Chasing Empty Spaces

Chapter 5

"If this is some kinda joke to you," Louis quietly started, eyes sill trained on Harry's faint touch, "Can - Just, stop." He turned and looked up at Harry with a compilation of trepidation and exhaustion, "M' too old to still be playin' games like this."

Harry's lips parted and his nose wrinkled. He dropped his hand and self-consciously wrapped his arms around his upper body. In that moment, Louis looked as young as Harry felt. They were both figuratively and literally treading around each other. Harry wasn't emotionally or mentally prepared to face what caring for Louis meant. The only thing he was sure of was that without Louis, everything would diminish back into a useless haze.

"It's not a joke to me," Harry murmured.

"You sure?"

"I - I'm not saying that I'm," Harry meaningfully paused. He steadied himself and found enough courage to quietly say, "But, I know that I care. About you. And, well, I'm not gonna hurt you."

Louis angled his body to fully face Harry, water circling just below his sternum. He searched Harry's face for something and Harry hoped that he was transparent enough so he wouldn't have to voice the turmoil of feelings he was bottling up. After a moment, Louis looked back towards the dock.

"Should probably be gettin' you back."

"Get back?" Harry's spine straightened and his arms dropped to his side. "You wanna leave?" He shook his head and moved to take a step closer, but quickly remembered they both weren't clothed and stopped. "I - Lou, please don't be mad," He begged, knowing that he probably sounded ridiculous. "I'm not playin' any games with you," Harry's eyes frantically darted over Louis' face. He scratched the back of his neck, "I'm just...This is all new and, well, y'know...Not anythin' I really understand."

"I'm not mad at you," Louis weakly sighed. He raked a hand through his hair, "But, it's like ya just said, this," He gestured between their bodies, "Whatever you're feelin' towards me, is new for you." A sad smile lifted the corner of his mouth, "I think you need time to think about it before you tell me somethin' you don't mean." He took a step back, "Or make a promise that you can't keep."

"But -"

Louis took another step towards the dock, "C'mon, Harry."

"What happened to things not chanin' between us, huh?" Harry snapped, covering his hurt with frustration.

Pinching the bridge of his nose, Louis loudly inhaled, dropped his hand, and then moved back towards Harry. He reached out and firmly gripped Harry's shoulders, eyes intently locking onto Harry's.

"Nothin' is wrong, okay?" Louis enunciated as his thumbs pressed into Harry's wet skin. "M' still not goin' anywhere," He slid his hands down to Harry's wrists, hesitating for a moment before he dropped them. Louis' shoulders sagged, "No matter what you decide on, I'll still be here."

Harry released his bottom lip from between his teeth and uncertainly asked, "What I decide on?"

"Yeah, Stud," Louis nodded and folded his arms. "If you wanna pretend yesterday never happened," He sucked in a breath and shrugged, "That we never talked about any of this...We can do that. Go back to how it was."

Harry immediately hated the idea, already shaking his head before Louis finished the sentence.

"No."

"Just," Louis scrubbed a hand over his face, "Give it a day, yeah?" He lowered his hand, "Please?"

Harry clenched his jaw and turned away from Louis' hopeful expression. Every single feeling that he was harboring, was raging war upon itself. He couldn't verbalize why he didn't want to pretend things never happened while at the same time, hated the feelings that had been burrowed inside of his chest since the night before. It was a chasm of destruction and he was terrified of being alone with it. He tightly nodded and waded back towards the dock, not wanting his layers of hurt and confusion to be on show for Louis.