starstruck - lrh

seventy-six.

Haven's POV:

"Haven Morano dropped from her agency after being deemed 'difficult to work with' and 'stuck up beyond belief'. Director, John Adams, shared that he's never met anyone in Hollywood who was more difficult to work with than her."

Having had enough of the article, I throw my phone at the wall as I'm in disbelief that this is actually happening. John actually has the nerve to say what he's saying regardless of the fact that he's the one who tried to control my life.

Yet my image and career is being the one ruined.

He tried to force two of his actors to have sex and he's not facing any repercussions for it.

Instead, I'm the one who's sitting here suffering and feeling the worst type of pain imaginable as I can't even get myself to be around anyone. Hell, I've even locked all the doors to my house due to the amount of times Aspen's tried to come over.

And I feel terrible for it.

I've cut off my sessions with my therapist as even talking about it became too hard for me. Especially because it all leads me back to Luke and that's what absolutely hurts the most.

I've cried myself to sleep every night since I've broken up with him and have hardly been able to remain asleep due to the fact that he's not beside me. My bed and my heart are empty as I lost the most important thing in my life due to my own fear.

I continue to try to convince myself that I did the right thing because I know a bigger heartbreak was lined up for the future. Due to the path we were going down, absolutely nothing was getting better. I know our future just consisted of people telling Luke to leave me and him defending me in any way he can.

I'd never forgive myself if he lost people in his life due to them not liking me.

He deserves better. He deserves someone who he can bring home to his parents that they love. He deserves to not be afraid to bring a girl around his friends due to their own opinions of her. He deserves the absolute world and I have no doubt that he's going to find that in someone else.

Resting my elbows on my knees, I press my palms to my face as I feel a wave of emotion coursing through me for the fifth time today. God, please don't let me cry again.

I grab onto my hair roughly, shaking my head as I picture him at home in the same position as me. I know he's hurting like hell and it hurts more than anything to picture him that way. After all, I pushed him away and didn't allow for him to have a say in any of it.

I hate knowing that I hurt him.

It sickens me to think of him having to explain to all the guys that I broke his heart, just for them to be relieved and thankful that I'm finally out of the picture.

After all, it's clearly what they want. Isn't that what everyone wants from me in general? For me to be out of the picture?

I feel a knot form in my throat as I hardly feel important any more. It's as if all my sense of worth has been stripped from me and all I'm left with is this shell. This shell of a body that forces me to take on all these obstacles alone and face the consequences of other people's actions.

I hear a banging at my door which immediately pulls me from my thoughts and assume it to be Aspen. I don't address it as I'd rather stay exactly where I am until she's done banging.

"Haven, I know you're in there," the voice of my dad rings. "Open the door before I call a locksmith."

I'm alarmed by this as I don't take his words lightly and know there's truth in them. This is the last thing I want to hear as I'm sure he'll be ten times more angry if he actually has to do that.