Guilt

Chapter 6

"What is your profession?"

"Again, we can skip the small talk," Emma said it with a smirk as Regina put down a tea pot. The woman playfully rolled her eyes as she retrieved two cups and set one down in front of Emma.

It was the second time they were meeting, and it hadn't been more than six days that had passed. This time, they'd decided to meet up in Regina's mansion.

Emma only knew the way to the bedroom and she was curious to see what else there was in the house. Regina hadn't shown her around, though, and she'd simply led her to the kitchen.

Regina sat down opposite Emma. "Okay, then. Whatever you want," she said and smiled. "I think we'll just continue where we left off, right?"

Emma nodded slowly, knowing what Regina was implying. For some strange reason, it felt easier to talk to Regina about things that made her feel vulnerable, instead of talking about casual every day things.

Although, she didn't really know how to respond to Regina's question, about the way she was in bed, because she knew the answer was silly.

"I just feel like.. Killian never got to realize how much I loved him. I- the last thought he had before he died, was probably his wife letting him down because he thought we were going out, but I cancelled. And, if I'd stuck to our original plan, I would've picked him up from the station and all of this would've been avoided."

Emma sighed softly and rubbed her temples. It was quite a rough topic for a Saturday morning. "It just feels like it's all my fault. He even called me, saying he'd wait, but apparently he'd started to drive home already. Maybe I'd said something that had pushed him into driving home sooner? I don't even remember, but it's all weighing on my shoulders and it hasn't gotten any less over the past months."

Regina didn't know what to say. She felt absolutely clueless as to how to respond to this situation. She knew there was very little she could say to make Emma realize that this all wasn't her fault.

"Eventually, my thoughts only got worse and I started sleeping with people to take my mind off things. But then I got angry with myself for pleasuring myself, when I should be punishing myself. When I started telling hook-ups that, they immediately got into the bdsm mode. Except you, and I really appreciated that."

Regina nodded slowly, with her eyebrows raised. "I've had my fair share of bdsm, so I know when someone's intrigued or not. But Emma.. I know this may not change anything for you, but you can't live your life on the "if only"."

Emma looked confused, so Regina continued. "If you keep thinking "if only I'd picked him up from the station", or "if only I'd told him to wait in the car", you're going to tear yourself apart. Because no matter how painful and horrible this is, it's not going to change what happened. You're only hurting yourself for no reason, because you couldn't have seen this coming."

Regina hoped her words would get through to Emma, and given the expression on Emma's face, it seemed as though the woman did contemplate what she'd said.

"He knew you love him, Emma. You were married for a long time and I'm certain he knew that you love him."

Emma hummed as she processed everything Regina was telling her. Somehow, everything Regina was saying did make sense. Many people had tried to convince her that it wasn't her fault, but no one had put it like this. She still felt horrible and she still hadn't forgiven herself, but she could try to be less strict to herself.

And she felt like Regina could help her with that.

~~~~

Emma loved her job. She loved that imagination was the number one priority when she was working, and she loved painting. She'd just sold several paintings and finished one, and now she was on her way home.