Bittersweet // Complete

36.

"You're very happy today?" he asked, brushing my hair out of my face.

I wasn't happy. But being around Noah was calming. I was at peace. I kissed his jaw first, then his cheek, watching his eyes flutter at the tenderness of the moment. His lips were feather light on my eyes and the bridge of my nose, and everywhere. Lips never meeting, we found our serenity in this small bubble, hands exploring, as if we were memorising each other. Like we would never experience this moment again. We stayed like this for what seemed like ages, before Noah's stomach rumbled and we had to go get out pizzas.

It was almost like an unspoken agreement, let's keep this peace till we eat. I don't want to fight right now. Noah settled on his side, and I cuddled right in, back pressed to his front, eating our pizza in silence. Occasionally one of us would make an off hand comment about the day, only to come back to total silence.

This was nice.

I liked myself like this with Noah. But someone had to get this thing out of the way. Wiggling my way out of his arms, I sat up, crossing my legs and facing him as he lazed in bed.

"Can we talk now, please?"

Noah stiffened before nodding. Okay. As usual, he never spoke first. I wondered if it was a habit.

"So, about Halloween..." I started, pausing to collect my thoughts, "I am very, very upset that you lied to me. And it's not the first time you did this."

"I know, and I just don't think you need to drag this out that much. I'll be there for three days and then I'll be back home. And we have Thanksgiving and Christmas together, and I promise you right now that we'll be together for both of those."

I pursed my lips. Maybe I was pushing this too much. He apologised, and he was promising me Thanksgiving and Christmas. There wasn't much else, was there?

We went back and forth over Thanksgiving for a bit, and I was back in his arms once more, the calm resting over us like a weighted blanket.

"Where are you staying in Seattle?"

"Jen's got a big house," Noah said after a moment of silence.

My heart sped up, unsure if we were on the same page, "You're staying at her home?"

Noah nodded, but quickly added, "We're going to be staying in separate rooms, obviously."

It doesn't take too long to step from one room to another, does it?

He must have seen the accusation in my eyes, the suspicion raising, the fears and paranoia oozing out of my pores, because he quickly mentioned, "There's going to be like ten people staying there. Not just Jen and I."

"I don't know, isn't that kind of crossing a line there? Like, I'm trying to be okay with the fact that you're even going to be around her, and now this... How can I be okay with you staying with her, knowing your history?"

"Jen and I have moved past it, Bri. You should too." Noah groaned, rubbing his face with his palms.

I felt the heat rise up my eyes as tears welled in, swallowing audibly, "I just would be more comfortable if you would stay somewhere else." I had kept my mouth shut once before, I had accepted whatever Caleb threw at me and never questioned it or voiced my feelings. I could never lose myself like that again. Never base my entire life around his validation.

"I've already promised her, Bri. I can't change my plans now."

A bitter laugh rose up my throat, "So it's more important that Jen's happy than me?"

"That's bullshit, and you know it," Noah shook his head, as if he was already over this argument, "You're doing nothing but jumping from one conclusion to another."

I stood my ground though, "No that's exactly it. It's more important to you that you don't break Jennifer's heart than it is to respect my feelings and just stay in a fucking hotel or something. And don't fucking tell me you don't break promises because we both know that you do."

"God Bri, will you just shut the fuck up!" he sat up straight, automatically a head taller than me, "It's not my fault that you're so fucking jealous of Jen you can't think straight! You can blame your stupid insecurities on your drunk mother all you want-"

Everything else he said after that was muted. I was hearing, but not listening. What the actual fuck did he say?

"Get out." I spat.

Pausing, Noah leaned in closer to hear what I had said. I repeated, still seething, "I said, get out."

Colour drained from his face as he probably went back to what he had said, realising what hurt me. A somber expression came over this beautiful boy, and I could only stare as he pushed his soft brown hair off his forehead.

"I didn't-"

"Leave." I was seething, and then River's words came to haunt me in my head. You'd be one of the outliers, I guess.

I didn't want to be an outlier. Was it so bad that I wanted normal and boring for once in my life? Ever since I came to earth, nothing has ever happened the normal way with me. Absolutely nothing. Was it so fucking hard to get one normal occurance? The sudden headache building in me was paralysing me, unresponsive to Noah as he reached out to hold my hands, leaning in to brush his nose across my cheek. The small action sent shivers down my spine, but I had to stick up for myself, or no one would, would they?

"You should go," I lightly pushed him off, and he didn't resist, "I'm so fucking tired of this Noah. I'm just tired of being hurt by you. I can't keep doing this."

Fuck, saying it out loud was worse. It was like a hole was being ripped into the wall behind me, and the debris was landing straight on my chest.

"No," Noah's voice quivered, or maybe I hoped that it would have, maybe I was wishing he would be as hurt as I was, "Don't do this Bri. Let's- let's find some way- I'll find a way to fix this I just- don't- fuck." Noah stood up suddenly, running his hand through his hair, almost hard enough to tug the roots.

"Brianna, we can figure something-"

"I think I asked you to leave." I knew I would bend and submit if he stayed longer. The deep ache in my heart knew that if Noah did it, I would allow him to twist and turn my emotions till I allowed him to stay. The tossing in my stomach knew that Noah just had to hold me once, and I would be liquid under his touch. So even as my insides screamed at me to make him stay, I watched Noah accept it.

"So, you're breaking up with me?" He asked one more time, as if we hadn't just been through this. I nodded, too hurt to look into his eyes.

I watched the denial fade away, I watched as he grabbed his phone and keys off the table. I watched him as he pulled his shoes over the ugly neon green socks he had on. I watched him walk out of the apartment, face now stoic, not giving a hint of emotion away. I watched him as he walked away, shoulders squared, chest puffed, as if I was the only person having her heart broken in two here.

And if someone asked, I hope you wouldn't tell that I watched his car as it drove off the street before the first tear rolled down my cheek.

***

Happy December pitchess!

I hope those who celebrated Diwali had a great one, and those who celebrated Thanksgiving stuffed themselves with great food, and I hope your Hannukah preparations and Christmas shopping is going well :)

If anyone has any good Christmas presents planned, help me out please?  I have no idea what to gift most people lol and I don't want to half-ass the presents. 

p.s. Not complaining or anything, but I'd love if I could get more feedback from the readers. As a writer, it really helps me improve my craft. Please drop in your thoughts/ comments/ suggestions wherever you think I need to improve! I would really appreciate it :) 

Thank you for reading so far, and I am so grateful for all the 13k reads we have so far! 

Love, Pari <3