Now What ?

Chapter 8

 We are now mid-november, school isn't easy and the days are long, but nothing could beat my happiness right now.

I am so happy, I know what a whirlwind it is. It is crazy how my life is slowly turning upside down since I have started manifesting.

I have manifested my relationship with Logan to improve and to get better and this alone made me realize how in love I am and it is actually slowly getting better and I am glad.

He sends hearts when saying goodnight, we have actual conversations about our days and we send actual texts.

It feels good. I missed it and It is getting back on track, it took time but now is my time and I will certainly not give it away.

I got to call zach this evening and it felt good although it took him a good 30mn to finally let go and laugh.

"So do you have an idea of what you want for christmas ? I ask him

-I don't want anything, he said sternly,

-you know me i'll buy you something and also i had an idea

-i told you i don't want anything, i don't need anything, he said and the tone in his voice hurt me

- and you what do you want ? he asked

- oh well, nothing, i don't know but for me christmas is about giving and I wanted to mark it this year." I was a bit disappointed by his reaction.

Once the phone call ended I felt relieved because I said I love you and he said he loved me too which felt good to hear him say.

All of this is getting better because we have conversations and talk a bit less during the day but still communicate and this just made my evening so I was so relieved, and It is getting better.

I talk to Anna about our call and she has been so invested in my relationship because I talk to her about everything and that's because I need to.

Tonight I said goodnight to him and saw he opened my snap without answering it. It hurt me so i talked to him and he explained that he had planned to say goodnight later in the night when he was going to sleep. I felt so bad and he told me not to worry, it just annoyed him, he said laughing.

This morning he sent me a "hiiii" text and i answered and said hi and he asked how I was doing etc, i'm glad he did this it made me feel pretty good.

Enough talking about boys, let's talk about school and friends.

My friends are my everything and I have decided to focus mostly on them, because if I ever break up with Logan they will be here for me just like they are right now.

I love them so much and spending time with them is so important to me, things as just eating at lunch time with them or texting matters the most to me.

The little things matter.

I am talking a bit more to Anissa, she needs me and I feel like talking to her was something we missed because we didn't have the opportunity to.

Lately besides from Baudouin, i get along with everyone, it's great but he is annoying me in every way possible, being childish and just aggressive not knowing what the hell people are going through. I just can't bear anymore. I'm just going to ignore his reflections and get on with my days.

My school life and my friends are much more important than this wannabe celine dion who can't even sing and who makes us bear her songs all day long and not doing anything for the school work when it concerns group work.

He prefers to sing and annoy the class. Not that i'm saying he doesn't have a shot at this career, he does, everyone does but I say that he should tone it down and leave it for his family to bear.

let's just skip forward to the weekend, this was a pretty chill weekend in general and nothing much happened.

I worked on my latin last minute and still managed to have a pretty good mark on my monday test.

There is this boy at my school, he loves star wars isn't that physically cute but we enjoy talking to each other. He's pretty nice and maybe If it wasn't for my actual boyfriend I would try something with him.

But I am perfectly happy with Logan and I don't plan on breaking up with him.

Right now I just wish I could hold him, Kiss him and have a physical touch.

Sometimes I write paragraphs to him in the hope it could do something but when I think of it, it feels like talking to a wall.

We are at the end of November, the 30th to be exact. And things are finally getting to somewhere, he tries to make the conversation and send hearts and cares and it feels so good to be honest.

Sadly I probably won't see him on the 18th of december's weekend. I longed for this day for the past two months.

He has exams and I honestly and brutally don't know if I will be able to hold on much longer.

This long distance relationship is eating me up from the inside. I know this will get time to move on.

It won't be easy for me, maybe it will for me which is what I wish for him.

For now it is Christmas time, the first time I will have a boyfriend I actually love on christmas.

And this time of the year is a synonym of happiness, love and warmth and red and green and golden.

Watching your loved ones opening their gifts and smiling, receiving love and giving it out.

Families walking down the streets with their children to admire the shop's front.

Children write their letters to Santa, and ask for wonderful toys, or a dog, kitten or horse.

shops putting on sale their most popular products and parents testing wines and champagne for christmas eve.

Restaurateurs or organizing their stall with tons of beautiful and tasty food.

This truly is the most wonderful time of the year. Which should be spent by drinking hot chocolate, decorating the christmas tree and watching disney classics or bad romance movies.

Now for me this will be a time of work, classes, and unhappiness. Even though with Logan it is getting better, I still am scared and stressed and spend nights crying.

But whenever I am with you i feel home again, I hate my heart for making me feel like this.

Hate how I love the way you smile and get addicted to seeing you laugh or just genuinely smiling.

Thinking about all this just makes it impossible for my mind to focus on anything in front of me in class.

I put an airpod in and listened to I MISS YOU by Adele. I never related more to my music than now.

Understanding and taking in every single lyric.

I do miss him, in every series I watch my first thought is " would he like it ? should I talk about it to him ?" but every single time, I don't ask and just wonder about it.

The worst is : Rose was celebrating her 1 year anniversary with Alex, her boyfriend, and he wrote a letter to her with Logan's help. Yes his help. So he can do this for a relationship that isn't his but can't do the quarter of the half of it for our relationship. This genuinely broke my heart, I heard it shatter and felt it shatter. I told Rose I was crying of happiness for her because I was happy for her. I genuinely was, she is the sweetest person I have ever met and I wish our friendship to still be whenever I break up with her best friend.

But here I am, lying on my bed, wondering why.