Stimulus Response Book

Snippet #1 -- An Explanation

You know those funny little cartoon-comics that appear sometimes at the beginning or end of a Disney movie? Well I had an idea for a snippet story that kinda' acts like that, but doesn't come before or after a book, just goes in here every now and then to flesh out the waiting period between full chapters of my other books. Kinda like cutting a scene from a random book, except there's no book, just the scene. Hope you guys like 'em! 

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We were sitting around a fire-pit out on Shamel's backyard patio when it happened. The sun was setting behind the house, but it wasn't twilight yet, the sky colored something in-between with pink and orange and a few wisps of grey curling around all lazy-like. It was the middle of September in Albuquerque, so all we really needed was the fire, but most of us had on sweaters and boots to prep for the coming chill in future months. 

Lisa and Lizzie, the Twin Terrors as we oh-so-lovingly called them, were visitng again from Britain, and that would've been fine except for the fact that Noel and Lizzie were taking this opportunity to celebrate their first year anniversary together. And Noel and I have a past that I'm still not sure Lizzie knows about, even after what went down that evening. Not to mention, Noel and the Twin Terrors weren't really part of our main group anymore, they kind of tagged along that day when Tanisha and Ariella invited everyone over to Shamel's for a random house party. 

Apparently only Rita and I could make it, so Shamel invited the other three as well. And while I was not as happy as I could have been, it had all worked out that day since Shamel, Rita, and I had had a fantastic time while the rest of them hung out around us. We were all winding down, drinking random mixes, and all I remember leading up to it was Shamel and Ariella joking about something that I'd reacently experienced. I think it went something along the lines of this:

I laughed. "You guys are such jerks! I'd never do something so ridiculous!" Shamel and Ariella share a look with Rita that I catch. "It's true! I only SAW it happen, I never said I did it!" Rita shakes her head like 'I-know-better' and goes to take a sip of her drink, but she's shaking so much from laughter that half of it went down her shirt, which just makes the rest of us laugh more. 

Just as I'm about to stop my giggles and start saying what a great time it's been, Noel says from across the pit, "yeah right, says the girl who tried to kill herself when she couldn't have me." My smile dies quicker than a flame in space, and the girls go so quiet we can hear ourselves breathing. Noel's smirk falters a bit at the silence, but he braves our shocked looks by snickering like he's made a hilarious joke and not insulted me publicly. 

I'm thankful now that I was around two of my best friends and my cousin because I don't know if I would've had the courage to combat him like I did. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Rita open her mouth, probably to defend me, but by then I'd gotten over my shock and beat her to the punch. "Wow. I never thought you'd play that card; this is a new low, even for you." I leveled my gaze at him, daring him to respond. And, like I knew he would, he rose to the bait.

"But it's true. You survived a year without me and then decided it wasn't worth it and tried to off yourself." By now I'm sure Noel had realized how badly he'd judged his little non-joke of a statement, but he wasn't one to back down and he defintely wasn't going to with this conversation. My jaw tightened as my brain whirled through repsonses, and I shook my head at him, disappointed.

"I know we never talked after my attempt, but you have no idea why I tried to kill myself that year. I would say it had nothing to do with you or our breakup the year before, but I doubt you'd believe me and quite frankly, you're not worth the explanation anymore. If you want to believe it's all about you, fine, I don't care. What you think about me is none of my buisness. But I hope you never make the mistake of trying to embarrass me in front of my friends again. This is my turf right now, and you're overstepping your boundries." Noel's face had gotten closed and gaurded, something he does when he's trying to protect himself from getting hurt, but I knew what I was saying was getting through to him.

I didn't really have anything else to say to him, and I saw he wasn't going to respond, so I turned to Lizzie. "I hope you're okay knowing that your husband puts others down to feel good, and you can live with yourself being a bystander to it." Neither of the twins had anything to say; just sat there with curious expressions on their faces that I couldn't really put a name to, and still can't. 

Tonisha, Ariella, and Shamel, on the other hand, looked so proud of me; still pissed, but proud, and I couldn't help but feel awesome as well. I turned to Rita, wanting to make an escape now that I'd said my piece. "Let's go take care of that shirt of yours." And just like that, her and Tonisha followed me into the house, not wanting to wait to talk about what just happened. 

As I walked away, I heard Ariella say, "I can NOT believe you said that about my cousin. You're a jackass, and I hope you move to England and never come back." If I hadn't still been reeling from the shock of actually being able to stand up to Noel, I would have smiled at her outburst in my defense. A couple minutes later she joined the three of us in the kitchen where Rita had taken off her shirt and was rinising it in the sink. 

"Shamel is showing them out." Ariella explained when Tonisha gave her a questioning look. "She said Noel wasn't welcome around her anymore, and the Terrors decided to leave with him." Rita shut off the water, wrung her shirt out, and handed it to Shamel who was waiting to throw it in the dryer. When she came back and handed Rita a pullover to use in the meantime, we headed to the living room.

"Can I ask a question?" Tonisha, the newest member of our group, looked at me, and I instantly knew what she wanted. "I've only been around for a year, but why DID you attempt? No one really knows. Not that I've been asking or anyhing," she quickly corrected. I smiled to reassure her, and got cozy in my loveseat. 

"It's long and complicated, but the short version is that after Noel and I broke up, I was thrown into a depression which only got worse over the next year when certain things besides our relationship exacerbated it." I pulled a blanket over my legs. "Basically I felt that there wasn't anything for me to live for; that nothing I did was good enough, and I wanted to stop feeling that way." I shrugged my shoulders. "So I tried to die."

The girls were silent for a while after my revelation since none of them had ever really heard my reason; I'd never bothered to explain it to anyone since it hadn't really mattered. "But you don't feel like that anymore, right?" Rita, who knows the most about my attempt, spoke up just then; I think she was trying to get me to reassure the others, but I wasn't in the mood to fake anything right then. 

"Kinda'. I think I'll always wish the attempt worked, but most days I have something to live for. The best I can explain life after an attempt , at least mine anyways, is that now that I've found something I want to accomplish, it's slightly easier." Rita looked a little disappointed, but the others seemed to be deep in thought, so I just stared off into space.

"One thing I'll never forget is the look on Noel's face when you gave him what for!" Shamel got us laughing again, and eventually we started gossiping about other things. All in all, it wasn't that bad of a day.

I look down at my daughter and smile. "And that's why Rider's daddy doesn't like me. We haven't talked to each other since." My ten-year-old looks at me seriously with a little frown on her face.

"Should I not play with Rider anymore?" I laugh and hug her.

"Only if you don't want to. I don't mind if you two play together; his daddy's problem with me has nothing to do with you or Rider, okay?" I use my thumb to smooth out the cute crease between her eyebrows. "Now stop worrying my little bean. I have to take you to Aunt Rita's in ten minutes." For a second I'm worried she won't let it go, but soon her face is beaming again, and she's running for her tutu. 

I take a few moments to collect myself after that explanation, and wonder what the coming years have in store for me. She's only going to have more questions about my life, especially since she goes to school with the kids of everyone I used to hang out with. After travelling and moving around for a good twelve years, stories about which Lily never tires of, we finally settled down in my hometown. Why exactly, I'll never understand, but now I have to deal with the consequences of that decision affecting Lily. Case in point: this whole conversation with her.