Thoughts

Release

I get so angry sometimes and all it takes is a resurfacing thought or maybe just a little bit of a specific song that's played on a piano, and suddenly I'm spiralling so fucking fast. Everything builds up and I want to fucking release it. It feels likes there's a special fucking task I'm supposed to preform and then finally I'm free but I have no shitting clue what the task is. The anger just continues to rise and all I can do is stare out my window laid on my bed as it builds and my mind wanders. Maybe if I didn't do this I wouldn't be upset or if they just disappeared forever then I'll be fine or if I plunged a large knife through their fucking skill twenty times the pain will be gone. But how will I hide the body, well you see I'll do it ironically I'll bury them with the images they kept and a voice recorder with the audios they saved and I'll burn the body with them. I'll probably get caught maybe that'll get rid of the numbness, prison or a death sentence will relieve the tension and I'll finally come to my senses but until that actually happens I don't know. The memory's that make me angry and upset might not even be real I could just be making them up all along and never noticed. The fucking thoughts will stop as soon as I stop listening to the music or my dad interrupts the fucking flow of the mental murder I'm comiting but I always return to the same spot. If writing about this is therapeutic then I wonder what happens when I do plunge the knife so fucking far in his skull I can feel the brain matter around it just give in and die, maybe the release of his life will release my pain. But it's not like the pain hurts it's just the overwhelming amount that has to be carried, I could cut it off but the ties that keep it in place are so dense and strong it's basically impossible. It's frustrating to know it's there but not visible. Maybe I'm just deluded and need the therapy but my mum and dad don't believe in that shit or maybe I'm just dehydrated and this is what happens when the body doesn't have enough water and you cry it all out in anger. Maybe I'm just hormonal and Ik like a pregnant women who wants to kill her husband but it's just her mind being all loopy from pregnancy. I know I'm not pregnant cause Christ I'm no Virgin Mary, god doesn't pick the crazed ones for that, it's probably just period problems ya know a little pms. I hope it is. Watch me be comepletelt fucking normal in two weeks lol. But then again the whole idea of murder can no longer be blamed on the blood you find between your legs, and then again murder might not be the key. Maybe if I slit my wrists and bleed the bad vibes away that's how I reduce the load on me. Crickey I haven't got the balls for that, I still have that small bit of hope that I can be better, and the fact I'm not dying before my nana cause she doesn't deserve to see me die, I've been given so many chances to die and everytime the fucking world has picked the option of no so what's to say I should just go now. Like I'm not suicidal but not I'm not completely fine, there's plenty of things that I live for and want to live for but fuck me it's difficult to remeber them when you're willing to throw your life away to relieve some tension lol . Maybe the anger will just disapate into the air and I won't need to worry about it anymore casue I will have forgotten. But fucking hell I want it to go. Ik it's a tangent but I Wonder what it feels like to get stabbed. Does it hurt or does it just feel like a hole becasue of the adrenaline like my brain can't imagine it except from the feeling of the blood struggling to stay within the body casue it has no control of the flow outward. I can feel it spill out of me without even having a wound and my head feels lighter and my heart slows with only just thinking of it. Tucking hell I sound like an edge lord rn I promise I'm fine well yeh, our bodies are only temporary and this shits gotta end at some point. There's that hope again waiting for the fuckibg release that I probably will never find.