𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐧𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐝. 𝐋𝐨𝐠𝐚𝐧 𝐇𝐮𝐧𝐭𝐳𝐛𝐞𝐫𝐠𝐞𝐫

𝗶 - 𝗼𝗻𝗲

It didn't bother me that mother loved Jasper more, because dad loved me. And only me.

I had the most unique name— because dad named me.

I know how to golf the best— because dad taught me.

I had the prettiest eyes— because I got them from dad.

Maybe it was the narcissist in him loving me because he saw his eyes.

In 5th grade, I met my now best friend Ana and that was the only time mother was proud of me.

She'd never been mean to me, but when she looked at me that day— it was the moon, the sky, the rainbows. Maybe dad loved mother for her smile. She was proud that I was fitting in with her society circle unlike Maria.

I never really knew Maria, still don't. She was always around, always there but she was just always so angry. She was angry at mother for putting her in the puffy white dress that matched mine. She was angry at dad for getting her the horse ride lessons I wanted. She was angry at Jasper for loving mother. She was angry at me for loving dad. I though, I did everything mother wanted because when mother smiled at me, everything was fine in the world. I did everything dad wanted because when he hugged me and I could touch his face with my fingers he didn't look so mad, so strict like everyone from office called him.

But somewhere along the way, mother wasn't a god anymore and dad really was that mad. Somewhere along the way they became the people they were perceived as.

It was a week after mother had left; gone, when Jasper didn't come home for 3 days. No one noticed but me. Dad had dug himself a work sized hole and Maria was being. . . . herself, mad. I was 11 and didn't want to get him in trouble just in case he was being a teenager and doing teenage stuff.

I didn't tell anyone.

3 days.

The police called 3 days later to tell us he'd been driving under the influence. He would've had to attend juvie. I wish he would've so he would've been better today but dad, oh dear old dad made them drop the charges. "No one was hurt" he yelled. "It's the Castellan name" Jasper whispered to me as he walked up to his room, with his eyes bloodshot and red. He smirked. He had the audacity to smirk because he knew how it was going to end.

We pretended like nothing happened.

Again. And again. And again.

That was 3 years ago.

Jasper is a drug addict now.

He probably won't call himself that. He say's it's "enjoying the complexities of earth" but we all know what's it code for.

Maria moved out when she turned 18, which was a few months ago.

She said she didn't want out blood money, like I had any say in it.

I haven't had a conversation with dad in years.

And everytime he calls my name— "River" I hate it even more. I was so used the hearing the word with love. . . Now all I hear when he says my name is pain.

Everything is ok.

Nothing is ok.

It's the best there could be.

I start high school tomorrow.

I'm scared.

I'm lonely.

I'm alone.

I don't wish to die.

I swear I don't.

If I die, who'll take over the Castellan company?

It'll be ok.

I'll read Harry Potter— he was alone too wasn't he?

Maybe high school would be the best thing.

Or the worst.

𝙔𝙊𝙐 𝙎𝙋𝙀𝘼𝙆 𝙄𝙉 𝙎𝙐𝘾𝙃
𝘼 𝙋𝙀𝙍𝙁𝙀𝘾𝙏 𝘾𝘼𝘿𝙀𝙉𝘾𝙀

✰ 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐧𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐝.
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