Unidentified ambivalence

As to how we're friends

With my cloudy vision, there is an exact change in the sky's color illuminating from the ground. To this day, I still can't grasp to understand it at all.

Your closeness to this world shines so bright; even you find it so in the rain over me. You carry it all of it at once, but you need only to choose one to take with you. I welcome my clouds back, still looking dark and fluffy as I will always remember it. It is so that I can close my eyes. 

You who is fortunate enough to carry more than me has everyone on your side with nothing but smiles on their face. Between us two, we simply cannot compare, yet you walked towards me without a care in the world. The sheen you give off only hurts my eyes as you march towards me.

I'll tell you all the "I'm sorry's" the world has ever known. All I wanted was for you to be happy. Someone as fortunate as you could never understand these solemn feelings of mine. The fault in wanting more was because of you, yet there was nothing that I could've done. I never wanted you to get close to me so that this would happen. 

White noise, so stay quiet for the sake of both of us. How can you talk me up and possibly compliment me in any way? What you find in me is something I'll never understand. Ah, it's already time for my daily routine; the same rinse and repeat I've memorized on the back of my hand. Seeing others is a good distraction, and chatting with them takes my mind off the world. "Welcome home," this time, I'm greeted by the clouds that patiently waited for me. It's time for me to go to the place where you always seem to be.

You're always at the corner of my eye, making sure you're smiling my way. Your messages pile up until I have the time to read them, though I haven't the slightest clue of what to reply. With replies that are so dull, you seem to respond with enthusiasm and encouragement instantly. 

Being a part of your life meant I finally got to stand under the same sky as you. Seeing as you can effortlessly make those around you laugh makes me envious that the terrible me couldn't be like you in any way. The fact that I thought of such things hurts so much. 

I dearly want to tell you that I love your words to me, but the sky's rain prevents me from doing anything. How can the annoyingly happy you, who knows nothing about these feelings, have so much to say. You cannot compare to me in any way, but here you are, standing so close to me. I don't need you to get caught in the rain without protection anymore.

I feel nothing but hate to those who have everything handed to them. I don't want to hang around others that make me remember things I tried hard to ignore but knowing this; you still held my hand to the point I had no idea what you were thinking. There was no way you understood anything about this, yet you talked to me as if you did. I always stood in disbelief, but if you knew how I acted and understand my emotions then...

I'd apologize for a million times worth, but my words aren't restoring the smile you always made. For my neglect of your attitude, did it truly take someone like me to be happy enough to satisfy you? You aren't better than me in any way, yet it was me who made mistakes for both of us. If I realized sooner, I never would've kept you so close.