Now What ?

Chapter 7

My breath is starting to shake, like my hands. My chest is pressured as if someone was sitting down on it.

My heart is pounding so hard I feel it in my legs and neck. It's been so long since I have had this feeling. I wanted to forget this. Make a new beginning with Logan. I am trying my best but everyday is so hard. I am holding my breath until I can say all that I am feeling in front of him.

Cry into his arms, and have his hand wipe my tears or just him looking helpless.

Letting me cry and letting me go. I often see myself, walking out his apartment door, and walking to the park near his building.

Letting all the tears fall down in the night, no one around to hear my heart breaking. Packing all my stuff and walking out this city that once was a memory of happiness.

I wrote this letter to him, a letter he'll probably never receive. 

dear logan ,

listen, suddenly it all feels like it's slipping away.

I was broken once, I was raped once, scared once and I am not willing to let my heart on the line to be broken and hurt once again even in a different way.

Couldn't you tell me in the beginning that you didn't want me ? So I wouldn't be scared now.

You know well my insecurities, how I am scared you'd leave me for anyone.

So any sign I analyze it.

Little silly things such as a good morning text matter. Yesterday you sent me the first text and this alone makes my heart happy.

I don't need a lot .

Last time I saw you, I felt it. I saw you wiped your hands on the covers after I caressed you. You were so cold and distant. Daydream is what the world feels like right now. I wish I could wake up.

My mind whispers to me all the time that it is not right that I should overthink it.

I don't want to go through all that again. I am needy but it's not an all time attention I need. It's from time to time and I miss you text or just anything to prove you care.

If I am too much to handle, that is just myself and I am certainly not apologizing for being this way.

If you can't deal with me... Well, I am going to find someone who will.

A woman, A man, met in a bar, met at school, who'd be willing to deal with me.

I will be with someone different than you, but will hope they have a part of your personality, like your smile, the way your eyes brighten up when your laugh, your dad jokes or anything that reminds me of you

Oh yes, this laugh of yours that could warm up any cold and empty space.

In a way If you leave, I will thank you. You did so much for me than anyone could have asked for.

You brought me happiness in the darkest of my times and gave me the opportunity to meet a wonderful person. A person I now care deeply about. We have bounded over so many things. Over you but most of all we created a friendship of our own. She'd still be a person I'll care about. Her laugh and our funny and not so funny conversations.

Our feminine problems, our pregnancy scares.

There is that one person that'll be the person that will own a little bit of my heart. I am glad to say it was you. Because although I ain't the easiest person you were here.