Blair Silver

Part 28: Regrets

Ugh, I want to see him so badly. Even if I know it'll hurt. I just want to see him.

I spend the night either in a state of fitful, restless sleep, or trying not to cry, or crying. Everything hurts.

Maybe that's why I have no willpower after my classes end the next day. I can't bring myself to go back home. I don't even have an excuse.

I just want to see him.

I just want to see him.

-

I still feel the deep ache in my gut the next day, but I manage to focus a little better in classes. Jillian hardly lets me out of her sight all day. I appreciate her concern a lot... I don't know if I would be able to function properly alone.

Rachel and Gabrielle are worried, too. By now, everyone is speculating that something happened between Blair and I, since he wasn't outside the school waiting for me yesterday. It's kind of ridiculous, because even when we were dating, he wouldn't pick me up every single day. Only when we had a date. He offered to, but I like taking the bus with Jillian.

I suppose people have noticed that I'm upset, though. I mean, I'm not moping around all day, but something feels off. Missing. Like when you're super invested in a really good book series and then it ends and you're not quite sure what to do with yourself. Except, it's definitely a little more noticeable than that.

Either way, I'd definitely prefer if everyone stayed out of my business. It's not really anything to them if he and I did break up. Thank goodness for Jillian, Rachel, and Gabrielle, who all try their very best to keep me from hearing any rumours about my breakup with Blair, and protect me from prying eyes. My friends are incredible.

But even my amazing friends can't protect me from what happens after dismissal. Out of sheer habit, I glance out the window that faces the school's parking lot. And there, standing under a cloud of smoke, with a lit cigarette between his fingers, is Blair.

And then I can't tear my eyes away. He brings it to his lips, and then leans his head back, eyes closed, and the smoke rolls over his lips almost hypnotically. I'm still inside the school, watching from a window high above him, but it feels like I'm right there.

"Theo," Jillian says softly, breaking me from my trance.

"Yeah..." I know I shouldn't be looking at him like this. I should be walking away. Getting over him. Accepting the hurt so I can move on, knowing it was worth it to be with him. But...

"Theo, we'll miss the bus," Jillian says, trying to coax me away from the window. I reluctantly let myself be pulled after her, tripping on my step but managing to catch myself. Trying not to think of all the times he caught me...

All the times he would keep his arm around me waist, tracing little circles over my hip...

All the times he would smile at me like I was the sole most precious thing in the universe...

All the times he would touch me, kiss me like he treasured me, like he cherished every moment...

Like he loved me...

"Theo," Jillian says softly, and before I can make myself stop I've turned towards the doors that go out to the school parking lot. To Blair.

"I have to," I whisper, giving her a pleading look. "I have to see him."

"Theo, are you sure? This is really soon... and you seem kind of upset... not to mention you'll have to wait for the next bus..."