Blair Silver

Part 26: The Way Everything Belongs

When Jillian gets on the bus the next morning, she seems undoubtedly lighter. I feel a little bad for not telling her about my encounter with Elliot yesterday, but I figure that bringing him up for no reason when she's just starting to get over this whole thing is unnecessary.

She takes her seat next to me smiling. "So, how was your date yesterday?"

"Really nice. I got two new books."

"Ooh, exciting!"

I eye her suspiciously. "What's got you in such a good mood?"

She shrugs evasively, a mysterious smile playing across her face. I narrow my eyes.

"You're not going to tell me?"

"Tell me what you're hiding from me, first."

My jaw drops. "I'm not-"

She gives me a knowing look. "He told me."

I frown. "Elliot? Are you two talking again?"

She presses her lips together and turns her head away from me, but she's smiling so I know she isn't really mad that I didn't tell her. I sigh and cave.

"Fine. Elliot was at the mall and saw me with Blair. I didn't want to tell you because I figured mentioning him would upset you."

"I know." She grins and hugs me tightly. "You're the best."

I hug her back for a few seconds, then push her away to ask, "So? Tell me what happened!"

"So, apparently, Elliot didn't know you were gay."

"Yeah, he mentioned that. I think Blair almost ripped his head off."

"He told me. But the thing is, Elliot didn't know you were gay because he thought you were dating me."

"What?!"

"Yeah! And that's why he went out with that other girl, because he told his sister about everything and she offered to set him up with one of her friends to help him forget about it. Because he likes me."

"I knew it! Didn't I tell you he was flirting with you?"

She rolls her eyes. "Yes, yes, whatever. But he asked me to go out, on an official date, this weekend!" 

I make a noise of excitement, which Jillian mimics, and basically that devolves into both of us squealing and giggling until we get to school.

Aside from the obvious excitement for my best friend, I'm kind of relieved. For several reasons, actually. Now I don't have to worry about Jillian anymore or worry about accidentally yelling at Elliot if I randomly see him in public at the worst possible time. Also, it explains his reaction when I told him I was on a date with Blair, yesterday. If he thought I was dating Jillian, it makes sense why he'd be confused to see me with someone else- male or otherwise. And let's be honest: it's always a relief when you find out that someone in your life isn't homophobic. Especially since Jillian could be dating him, now.

The next few days are undoubtedly lighter. Our entire friend group spends every second of Friday teasing Jillian about Elliot, which isn't difficult since she texts him constantly. Jillian and I hang out on Saturday, since her date with Elliot is Sunday. And then while she's out with him, I go to Blair's house and we spend the day together. Everything feels right. Even if it doesn't last, I'm so happy to get to experience everything seeming to fall into place, and everyone end up right where they belong.

-

Theo leaves my house around 5:00 to have dinner with his family. He was so happy when he came over today. Everything felt so right. Like nothing in the world could penetrate the bubble that his happiness had created around us.

That happiness lingered for a little while after he left. But that could only last so long. Seeing him happy only reminds me of everything I can't give him.

I'm lying face up on my bed now, and the idea of rolling over has been festering in the back of my mind, but I haven't gotten around to it. I'm too distracted thinking about him. 


I should break up with him. I should. I should. I have to, really. I need to do it before either of us falls further...

I should. I have to. I... I... 


I groan and scrub my face with the heels of my hands. I can't even tell myself that I will. I can't even think it to myself.

I sigh. Try again. It's okay if it's a lie; I can keep telling it to myself until I believe it. 


I... I will. I-I will. I will. I will. I will... I will... do it. I will- I'll break up with him. 


I'll break up with Theodore Rose. 


My sweet, adorable, cuddly, little Teddy Bear... 


A tear slips out. Followed by another, which gives it enough momentum to roll down my temple and soak into my pillowcase. WHY IS THIS SO HARD???? 


I love him. I know that I love him; it's an irrefutable fact, at this point. So is the fact that I am going to hurt him. And I'm going to hurt him more the longer I wait. I'm going to hurt both of us more the longer I wait. It'll only get worse. The only way for anything to get better, for either of us to start to heal, is to first inflict the inevitably injury. 


But I really, really, really don't want to. All I want is to treasure him like the sole most precious entity in my life, for the rest of my life. He's everything I've ever wanted. I've never loved someone like this. Completely unconditionally. 


And I have to let him go. 


I close my eyes, picturing his smiling face. He's beautiful. His happiness is this radiant energy, felt tenderly, like the feeling is timid and fierce at the same time. His smile is completely uninhibited: it takes over his entire body. Like the happiness transfuses itself into every single cell until he's so concentrated with the raw joy that he's practically glowing. Practically emitting warmth and radiating happiness to the people around him.

He deserves to feel like that all the time. And I don't deserve him, don't deserve to be around him while he's beaming with happiness. It isn't where I belong. All I'll do is hurt him. I reach for my phone.

It takes me a long time to finally dial the number. I almost hang up immediately once I do. But I can't back out of this. I need to do it.

"This is La Substance Alimentaire, how can I help you?"

I swallow hard and steady my voice. "I'd like to make a reservation, please."

After all, he deserves the best. 

This chapter is both late and short, I've been channeling all of my novelling energies into my NaNoWriMo project, so sorry...

What did you think of Jillian talking to Elliot again, and him thinking that Theo and Jillian were dating? And their potential relationship? How about Blair's thoughts at the end? Predictions for the next chapter?

If you enjoyed this chapter (or at least the first half, since Blair's bit isn't so happy), please consider giving it a vote! Thank you so much for reading!