Neurosis

Strings

"Maybe we feel empty because we leave pieces of ourselves in everything we used to love." - R.M.Drake

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At first I couldn't figure out what it meant. I thought I was going insane. I didn't dare tell anyone - I knew they wouldn't believe me. Why would they? I was seeing red unbreakable bonds between people.

I thought about him a lot back then. I had only known him mere minutes, and yet it felt like we had been acquainted for an eternity. He was the essence of mystery, beauty; darkness. I didn't see him again at the dinner party. I heard him, his laugh every now and again, a tone higher than the rest of the adult monotone and a bit crazy, but when I turned my head to look, he wasn't there.

I saw the first string the day after the dinner party; it was a Saturday. I had been thinking about him incessantly. You must understand, it was so different back then; so new. I was turning sixteen. I had yet to fall in love. It wasn't like this usually. I had met my fair share of guys, believe me, but he - he was different.

I remembered him.

His memory stuck by me, leaving dust trailed on each of my thoughts. I filled in what I didn't know about him; made him up to become a complete being. I imagined he spent his days living wildly; in a job that had no comfort, no security, but one that he loved; perhaps an army man. I imagined he had a sister and maybe a younger brother that he taught pool to on Saturday nights.

And I remember those days so clearly. There were moments when I became so incredibly sad, missing this man who I didn't know, with a heart I didn't have. I told no one of him. He remained my secret; my canvas to paint on.

I was still okay back then, though. I still had a life, and dreams, and laughter bubbling inside my chest; I was still okay.

But it was that Saturday morning, the morning after, that I had been sitting in that coffee shop, watching someone outside smoking, and the smell reminded me so much of him. These days, I'll burn a cigarette simply for the smell; you'd think that it wouldn't bring so many memories but it does.

It was then that I saw the first thread. A girl with a blue dress had been walking, holding her hat, before bumping into a young man in a suit and hurrying on, who looked back at her to shout his apology, and then the two walked their separate ways. But between them was now a red thread. And the thread remained. It was faded, at first; transparent, but it got stronger. I sat up, frowning, watching. I had been so sure that it was a string that the two strangers had tied between them, but then I watched as by passers walked between these two strangers, through the thread, but it didn't break. It just remained.

I swallowed my coffee way too quickly, I was so surprised, and it burnt my tongue. I watched them for too long, watched her as she hailed a taxi, and as he continued to rush between the crowds, going their separate ways, and there I was staring at this string connecting them. I had no idea what it was. But just as I was about to ask the guy sitting next to me if he could see it, they were gone.

I didn't even finish my coffee. I had to get out of there. I ran out, and I was on the first bus that I could see. Looking out of the window had been my mistake though, because as the bus began moving, threads kept appearing. On street corners, in shops, between taxis; single red threads between a him and a her. Strangers, or acquaintances, it didn't matter.

I thought I was going crazy. I wanted to get home desperately. The drone of the engine of the bus was deafening. I needed to talk to someone; tell them. My world was suddenly filled with single red, unbreakable threads, and it didn't make sense. It wasn't making sense.

I figured it out just as I got off that bus. There were two men sitting on a bench, and they were the first to be of the same gender, connected with a red string. They were talking softly, and my eyes caught on them as the one laughed, and then the guy on the left leaned over to kiss the guy on the right.

They were a couple.

And it suddenly made sense. Red. Love.

The red strings connected couples, or couples-to-be. That lady in the blue dress and the man in the suit; they were to fall in love.

I ran to my house. Literally, ran, bursting through the front door. Red. Red. All my mind was seeing was red.

My sister, Alena, was studying. I rushed into her room and flopped onto her bed. I felt exhausted.

She looked up at me, frowning. "What's up with you?"

I sat up, slowly, but it was difficult to do even that. I groaned.

Alena twisted in her chair. "You okay?"

I nodded, trying to regain some energy. I looked at her. "Something happened at the coffee shop today. I saw these... threads."

She rolled her eyes, turning back to her laptop.

"No, no, Alena, I'm serious. These red threads between people, like just any people -"

"What the hell are you on about?"

I became desperate quickly. "The threads! You know!"

She glanced at me, frowning, fingers poised over the keyboard ready to type. "No, I don't know. Now shush, I have to get this done."

She began typing, but I couldn't stop myself; I just began talking. "Alena, there were these red threads, everyone had one. But they weren't real."

Alena sighed, looking at me. "Listen, Sarina, you know I love listening to your stories but I'm really busy, I've got this paper due and -"

"Alena, I'm not joking!" I interrupted her, but it came out louder than I was expecting.

She stared at me. "What's going on?"

"They were red, but dull and almost transparent, they were between the destined lovers, connecting them. They showed who would be together. I saw them, Alena, I don't know why but they were there but people could walk through them and it wouldn't break, and those who weren't connected to someone had a -"

"Destined lovers?" Alena interrupted, looking at me amusedly. "You've been watching too much T.V, you know that."

"Alena!"

"Go, I have study to do."

"Alena, I'm being serious!"

"Sarina, I don't think I can put in words how busy I -"

"Listen to me!"

She sighed, rolling her eyes as she continued to type.

I tried to explain. "I'm not joking, okay? I saw threads -"

"Do you see these threads right now?"

I swallow. "No, becau -"

"Look, I know you're joking around, so ha ha, very funny. Now can you please just go because I really have to work on this assignment."

I walked out of there, defeated, and feeling like a moron.

It makes me so sad when I think about that day. I was so new to everything, I had no idea what it would do to me.

They say your family are the ones to stick by you through everything. But just because they stick by you doesn't mean they understand you.

I didn't blame them.

How could I expect them to understand something I could barely understand myself?

That was the first, and last time I tried to explain the threads to anyone. I kept it to myself from there. I thought it would be easy.

I was so sure it would go away.

I was wrong.