🩹scared | taegyu

🩹fifty-two

everything.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

taehyun clutches bubbles tightly in his hand as beomgyu walks by his side down the street. the older of the two limps along the pavement, thinking the other doesn't notice. 

"how did you hurt your knee this time?" 

taehyun feels awkward all of a sudden. his mum had told them to take a walk and talk things out instead of sitting quietly in the living room with an audience. 

"i fell out the window a few days ago." beomgyu explains with a quiet laugh as he remembers how stupid he must've looked to the neighbours. 

"fell out?!" taehyun exclaims, stopping in his tracks, "why do you always go out the window? use the fucking door like a normal person!"

"there's no point in getting angry with me, taehyun. you know how much i hate her. don't worry, i'm okay."

"you always fucking make me worry about you!"

"and you think i wasn't worried?!" 

"seulgi took me out of class to tell me you had tried to kill yourself. of course i was fucking worried! i threw up for an hour straight, smashed two car windows, attacked a teacher, got suspended AND THEN I WAS FUCKING GROUNDED! do you think i wasn't worried, hyun?!"

"you never tell me how you feel, hyung. i never know what you're thinking about! how am i supposed to know you're worried?"

taehyun is overwhelmed by all the anger and resentment he has had towards this unpleasant beomgyu. because this isn't the beomgyu he fell in love with. this isn't the beomgyu who kissed him on the sofa, nor the beomgyu who comforted him in the hallway. this isn't beomgyu. 

"are you alright, hyung?" taehyun asks, but beomgyu doesn't answer.

"you have to tell me so i can fix it." he quotes the others words and it makes beomgyu's heart crack. he doesn't want to tell taehyun all the shit he's been through. it's too painful to bring up. 

"tell me." taehyun can't understand why beomgyu is like this. he hates this beomgyu. 

"tell me honestly!" he yells, waving is arms agressively around as he sniffles his already snotty nose. 

"stop pretending like you don't need anyone!" taehyun screams, "stop pretending you're okay!"

"i've shown you all of me! but it feels like i know less than half of you, hyung." beomgyu looks down at the ground. 

"let me know you. stop pretending you don't need anyone, stop pretending you don't need me." taehyun's eyes are burning as his honest thoughts stream out of his mouth.

"you know everything about me! you've seen everything, you've heard everything! but it feels like i'm standing here all vulnerable in front you, can't you see that i'm naked? i'm fucking naked, standing here in front of a fully clothed you!"

taehyun can't breathe. he doesn't want to either. beomgyu can't see. he doesn't want to either, he doesn't ever want to see the expression on taehyun's face. the anger, the sadness and the worry is heard in his voice, beomgyu doesn't need to see it to know it's there. 

"i want to know everything about you that you know about me. what makes you happy? what you're scared of and what gives you anxiety? what makes you sad? what do you hate the most out of everything in the entire world?"

"the dark." beomgyu says, looking up at the other, "the dark is what i hate the most out of everything in the entire world." 

"but why?!" taehyun yells, "why? why can't you just tell me?" 

but beomgyu shakes his head, he refuses to let taehyun see how vulnerable he is. even though he desperately wants to be comforted, he wants to be vulnerable, he wants to be held. beomgyu desperately wants to be held in taehyun's arms and just break down. 

"can't you just trust me? for once?! can't you just tell me what's on your mind? what's bothering you? it feels like you're keeping a million secrets from me!"

beomgyu bites his lip, closing his eyes as taehyun balls his fists. this was not the way he hoped their magical reunion would turn out. this is a fucking nightmare. taehyun tries to convince himself that this is just a bad dream. 

"don't lie to me anymore." taehyun cries, "don't lie about how you're feeling anymore."

but this can't be a bad dream, this is real. taehyun feels as if there's a hole in his chest, a big, black hole waiting to swallow him whole. the pain spreads through his chest, his blood runs cold and he wants to sink to the ground. 

"tell me when you're hurting. don't keep it to yourself. stop hiding from me. i'm not scary."

taehyun wipes his tears and beomgyu doesn't answer. the pain in his chest spreads and becomes more and more unbearable. the younger's eyes search the other's face for any sort of emotion. but beomgyu has a blank face. 

taehyun can't stop the pain, nor the tears. to bystanders they look like a couple dramtically breaking up with each other. 

beomgyu wishes he was brave. because he wants to them to be happy, but the words won't come out. it's as if he's mute, nothing is coming out. he's choking on his words, the words that'll save him from hell and finally make him happy. 

"just tell me that you need me. that's all i want to hear from you. just please tell me that you need me like i need you, beomgyu."

but beomgyu continues to be quiet. he's too scared to swallow the lump in his throat, even if this is his last hope. this will be the end if he doesn't say something soon. but as he tries to croak out a "hyun," taehyun doesn't hear it. 

instead he carefully places bubbles down by beomgyu's feet and turns around on his heels, because he has to get away. far away, he has to run.

now he's acting like beomgyu, now he's running away when he's scared and angry. now he's running away because the pain is unbearable. now he's doing what he hates the most about beomgyu. 

"just tell me that you need me, that's everything i want to hear." he says one last time, before walking away. 
 

☁️

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