My Journal or Whatever

Burden

Lately I've been feeling like a burden to the ones around me, but mainly to my parents.

I have a few medical problems, them being my asthma, long list of allergies, and back (I have back issues and go to the chiropractor every couple of weeks).

Anyways, these things all cost money, and my family isn't rich. I feel bad that I'm costing them money that could go towards other things.

They sometimes ask me to do things that could help save a bit of money, or to use something that they bought for me. But for a little while now I just don't have any motivation.

To my parents it seems like I'm just being lazy, hiding in my room on my phone all day. But it's only because I can't get myself to do anything.

It just makes me mad. I wanna do things like learning to play my guitar, help out with dinner, and exercise (sort of), but I can't bring myself to do it.

First of all I just don't have motivation or energy to do anything.

And secondly, if I do have the energy to do something, I still tend to not do it because I get anxious if what everyone else will think of me. Even if it's completely unreasonable.

When I first got my guitar for example, I was so excited to play. But a week later I just didn't feel like playing it anymore. And the few times I've played it since then, I feel nervous that my family will hear me play. So I end up not really playing it for long.

I've wasted my parents' money because I don't feel like I can do anything. And now whenever one of them makes a comment about something they bought for me, nicely asking for me to use it, I feel like shit.

I feel like they'd be better off if I wasn't around. The money they spent on me over the years could've been used on something more worthwhile. Like my sister. And other things that'd make their lives easier.

Honestly I just don't feel like I'm worth it anymore. All the people I know have seen the act that I put up sometimes, but they don't know it's an act.

Maybe that's because I used to be the person that is now my mask.

I don't have a ton of friends, just a handful of ones that I've known for a while. And I feel like I can't tell them - and I honestly don't want to tell them - because they've learned who I am, or was at least. And if I was to say that it's been a lie for a little while now, I would feel like an imposter.

The same goes for my family, except they've known me for even longer than my friends.

That's a part of why I love Wattpad so much! Everyone on here is so kind, and I feel like I can be the weird, broken mess that I actually am without anyone judging me.

It's actually the opposite. All the people I've interacted with are amazing people. Becoming a part of this community is probably one of the best decisions I've made in my life.

I know the topic just made a complete 180, but I want to say thank you. And I love you guys! 😌

AJ🧡🖤💚