My Journal or Whatever

Empty

Hey again.

I just wanted to write down something I've been feeling for a while now and try to explain it as best I can.

For a while now, I've had this feeling of emptiness. Like it's something constant that I feel within me.

The thing is, I can still feel happy. It's not that uncommon for me to smile and laugh about something I find funny.

But there's always this lingering feeling that won't go away. It's not always overwhelming, though that is the case sometimes sometimes. But it's just annoying because I can't seem to feel sadness.

I don't mean this completely. There will be times where I'm disappointed, frustrated, or just sad in general. But I can't ever express those emotions.

Crying is something I haven't done in at least a year and a half. Or somewhere in that time frame.

The last time I cried was when my parents were arguing and my sister and I got roped into it. I tried holding back but ended up sobbing.

I haven't actually cried since then.

And I used to be a very sensitive person. You can probably still call me one. I just always hated it when people were mad or disappointed in me.

So whenever someone would yell at me I'd tear up and/or start crying over nothing major.

Now though, when I'm being scolded, if I feel myself getting emotional my mind starts shouting "stop getting so emotional" and "You're not weak" like a mantra.

Stuff like that pushes away my emotions. And now it's just second nature.

So I'm able to be happy, sad, angry, and all those things, but when it comes to those negative emotions, I can't express anything.

The best way I can think of explaining what I mean is comparing this feeling to constantly breathing in cold air. You can still breathe and get enough oxygen, but it seems harder and makes you feel all weird.

Its like you just want to breathe air that's "heavier" in a way, but you can't because you're stuck.

I'm not sure if this is emotional numbness that's a sign of something, or if it's just teenage hormones, either way, it's frustrating.

Aaand once again I don't know how to end this. But I'm getting tired so I'll probably head to bed soon. Good night you guys!

Sending hugs,
AJ🧡🖤💚