Fear - A PTX AU

Part 2

Most of the sessions were the same, we would go around in a circle and say how we felt and then we asked each other the questions that we had thought up as 'homework'. Every now and then, someone would hit a sore spot. Sometimes it would end in a fight, or someone crying or someone (like me) passing out. Dustin called that 'progress'.

I always tried my best to keep my questions safe, not wanting to ruins any friendships, but the others didn't always think the same. 

I walked into therapy today a little late than usual. My alarm went off, and I didn’t wake up. Kevin tried to wake me up but I was unconscious. He called a nurse and she had to throw a bucket of water on me. I walked in at 7:30pm, a half an hour late. 

"Ah," Dustin - the therapist - said as Kevin and I walked in. "Someone finally decided to join us, did they?" 

"Erm... Sorry. Another nightmare and I was erm, unconscious." Brown Eyes looked at me sadly, the circles under his eyes were darker then ever. Blondie had fresh cuts on his arm and Brown Eyes was still thin. Today wasn't a good day for any of us. 

"Would you like to tell us about your nightmares?" Dustin said softly as I sat down next to Kevin and Blondie. My heart rate sped up as the horrible images that haunted my sleep rushed back to me. I felt a wave of dizziness and I nearly fell off my chair. Kevin took my hand, gently squeezing it in pulses. I couldn't help but look over at Avi. His eyes were slightly darker then usual, meaning that he was either angry or drunk. He was watching me, and even without looking at him. I couldn't help but notice that one of the guards was standing beside the door, which was not a good sign. More reasons that he was drunk.

"No" I said quietly, not sure if Dustin heard me. I looked down at my feet and out of the corner of my eye I could see Blondie shaking his head towards Dustin. 

"Maybe next time then?" His tone was soft, but slightly cautious. I smiled weakly. He told me that they were just about to start question time. I had left my notepad at home. I attempted to hide my shot of nervousness. Kevin quickly dug through his bag after noticing my panic, pulling out my notebook. 

"Thank you" I mouthed. 

In my notebook was the questions I had scribbled this morning before I went to bed. My notebook was the only way I remembered most things.

Scott - Do you think you're getting better? I quickly scrawled it out remembering his fresh cuts.  Scott -  How are you really?

Mitch - Whatt does it feel like once you've eaten?

Kevin - Does sleeping in the day help?

Avi - When did you start drinking?

"Mitch, your up." Dustin said, looking hopefully at Mitch. "Kirstie, do you wanna go first?" 
"Yeah, uhm sure. How does it feel once you've eaten?" I tried to say it as kindly as I could. He looked around the room, but kept his eyes averted from Scott. He paused before saying "It just feels disgusting. You know when you eat too much candy or fatty food?" I nodded, "Its like that but ten times worse. And it won't go away till I throw it up..." His eyes were glassy by the time he had finished. Scott was next, asking a  question that got the same reaction from Mitch as I did. Although Avi - on the other hand - didnt follow suit. 

"Do you think it makes you like beautiful?" He said with a smirk on his face, almost to say 'Because it doesn't.' Tears spilled from Mitch's eyes as he shook his head. Kevin had obviously dumped his question for "Are you alright?". He got up and gave him a hug.  I kind of zoned out for the next lot of questions, handing my notebook to Kevin so he could read out my questions. I continued to stare into space until Kevin - who was still holding my hand - gently shook my hand.

"Huh?" I said as everything came back into focus.

"It's your turn" He whispered as he gently squeezed my hand. I looked around at my peers, dreading the words that were about to come out of their mouthes. Kevin was first. He turned so he was fully facing me, which made me feel like he was truly going to listen. He took my other hand as he said "When did your anxiety first start?" It started when he and I started dating which was.... "About summer of year 9". It wasn't about summer of year 9, it was July 14th.

I tried not to think too much about the other questions. 

Mitch. "Are you on any medication?" "Not yet, but the doctors said they might start next week"

Scott. "What does a panic attack feel like?" "It feels like someone has a rope around my chest and every time a breathe in, they tighten it. I haven't had a single panic attack that didn't end up with me unconscious," Avi raised an eyebrow at that.

And finally Avi. "What are your nightmares about?" Shit. The rule in therapy was, that you didn't have to answer Dustin. But you did have to answer the others in your group.

I could feel the rope around my chest

and I couldn't breathe.

Whoever is reading this, I hope you are enjoying it. We will try and upload soon. :) Stay tuned! - Avicado