He's My Cousin!

[Ch.54] Choose Me

"Hindi ba niya alam? I didn't need that! I knew best of how wicked my doings were. I know because it creeps my bed every freaking night. Araw-araw iniisip ko iyon. Araw-araw, kailangan kong harapin si mama, araw-araw... nagsisinunagaling ako sa sarili ko." I stopped right there, because I might break down if I didn't.

Ella was my best friend. My sister from a different mother. I loved her so much it hurts me that we're going through this. I didn't want to lose her, but with all that she had said... it made me think twice. Umasa akong kahit papaano ay susubukan niyang intindihin ako. I hoped she would try hearing out my side for the very least. Ngunit maging ang pagpapaliwanag ay ipinagkait niya sa akin.

Hindi man lang ba niya inisip na hindi ko naman ginusto na gano'n maging kakumplikado ang sitwasiyon ko? Did she really think I had an affair with my cousin just because? Just because. Then maybe she never really knew me. Maybe our so called friendship was too shallow compared to how we thought it was. Maybe we were just two individuals afraid of being alone so we just stuck with each other.

The possibilities were killing me.

"You know Ella well," paalala niya. "She loves telling words she doesn't mean to say, she loves pushing people when she actually wants them to stay." She pressed her lips together and gazed towards me. She hesitated for a moment, but she continued, "Remember how she treated Anton? Remember what she always tells him? Remember how she pushed him away even if she loved him? Gano'n si Ella. She's afraid of expressing what she truly feels. She appears tough because she doesn't want to get hurt... or at least, let people know she was hurt."

Napahinto ako— pilit inaalala si Ella simula noong magkakilala kami. I've seen how she acted like it was nothing when she was declined for the lead role in her former club but I saw how she secretly left the auditorium and cried herself out; I saw the many times she told Anton that she didn't like him, that it was impossible, that she wouldn't mind losing him, but I also saw that sad look in her eyes when she met Erika and Anton together... Ella has always been like that— always telling it's all right, always making people realize she didn't need them, pushing people away. And she was good at it.

"To the extent she'll hurt me... just to conceal she's hurt?" I asked, my voice mocking. Kinalma ko ang sarili ko. Ella had the rights to get mad at me, but I couldn't let that fact sink in. My best friend's wrath was the very least thing I'd ever want right now.

"Aya..." Her voice was consoling. Inihilig ko ang ulo ko sa balikat niya. Hinimas niya ang buhok. "You don't have to worry. I'm here for you. Aayusin natin 'yung kay Ella, okay? Everything's going to be okay. Hindi ka matitiis no'n. You're best friends."

Parang dinudurog ang puso ko sa bawat salitang lumalabas sa bibig niya. Hindi ko na talaga alam kung magiging maayos pa ang lahat ngunit nang yakapin ako ni Liz ay may parte ng sarili ko ang nais maniwala sa kaniya. Na hindi impossibleng maging maayos ang lahat. Na maari pang mabalik lahat sa dati. It gave me sparse hope... kahit malabo, kahit walang kasiguraduhan.

"Ilang months na?" I awkwardly asked after few minutes of silence.

"Five," she answered. Hinimas niya ang tiyan niya. Tinignan niya ako at ngumiti, "Baby boy."

Matapos naming mag-usap ni Liz ay hindi ko na nakita si JJ. Matagal ko na siyang hindi nakikita at ayaw ko namang makita niya ako sa ganitong lagay. Umuwi ako agad at wala nang dinaanan matapos iyon.