Autophobia (Brusnop)

4: I'm In Hell

"I know, " Ben told me when we were alone. I was about to get a glass of water, but he stopped me. 

"You know what?" I asked. 

"I know that it's me. I know that I'm the one you like. " 

"What gave it away? " I asked sarcastically. 

"I'm not stupid. " 

"There's a shock, " I rolled my eyes. 

"Why didn't you tell me? " 

"Because you had a girlfriend! And you're straight! There's no point, and then you'd just think that everything's sexual because you're the dirty minded ass I've fallen in love with! " I looked away from him. 

"Danny, " Ben started. 

"Just go! " I snapped. "Just go, " I added, much more gently this time. 

"I'm not leaving just because you're afraid. Sometimes, you have to face your fears." 

I turned back around to face him. "You know what, Ben? I am afraid. I'm afraid that you won't be my best friend anymore. I'm afraid that you'll never look at me the same way again. I'm afraid that no one will want me in this band anymore because of this. And I'm afraid that I'm going to separate everyone. " 

"But you don't have to be. " 

"I have every right to. " Instead of telling him to leave this time, I walked off of the bus myself. This conversation ended a long time ago. 

I was sitting on a bench somewhere where there was no one else around, looking up at the sky, and smoking a cigarette. I heard someone walk in front of me however, and I was immediately annoyed. I looked forward and saw none other than Ben himself standing there, right in front of me. "You stole my favorite smoking bench," He pouted. He moved around to sit next to me. 

"Then I'll fuck off," I grumbled, moving to stand, but Ben grabbed my hand. 

"Don't go. I don't want you to leave. I want to talk to you."

"About what?"

"You told me that people wouldn't look at you the same way. That I would never be your friend again because of this."

"Because that's what would really happen!" I argued. 

"How do you know that? How do you know that nothing different would happen? You're not inside of anyone's heads. You don't know what would really happen."

"What are you getting at?" I asked him.

"Danny, I've always known. I've known since the day that you were staring at me during the recording of gang vocals for Stand Up and Scream and then you blushed when I looked back at you. This just confirmed it. The only reason why I was playing dumb was because I thought that you were embarrassed by it. By me." He took a deep breath. "And you know what? It really doesn't change anything between us. It doesn't change the way that I feel about you. It doesn't change who you are. And it doesn't change what we are. Best mates for life. And there's nothing that you could possibly do or say to get rid of me. Whether you like it or not, you're stuck with me." 

"But what if I wanted us to change?" I asked. 

"How so? I'm not gay," Ben pointed out. 

I looked down. I forgot about that. "Never mind that."

Ben lit a cigarette and after a few moments, stood up to move around. "But you don't need to be afraid of losing something that you never had to begin with. Just think about that, okay?"

Never in my life have I ever felt like I was more terrified of falling down a black hole into nowhere. Ben just said the one thing that would change everything between us. 

"Danny? Danny!" He shook me. "Danny!" He shouted again. 

I closed my eyes and then opened them again. "What happened?" I asked.

"You......your eyes rolled back into your head. And then you were hyperventilating. You wouldn't respond to me."

I stood up myself. "No big deal." It's not the first time it's happened, and it certainly won't be the last. "It's nothing serious," I assured him. 

"Goodbye, everyone," Ben said, looking at a rope that was in the form of a noose.

I couldn't move. I couldn't say anything. I screamed, or at least I tried to, but no sound came out. I tried harder and harder, but I still got nothing. I wanted to run to him. I wanted to save him. "BEN!" I was finally able to shout. 

"I'm not yours to save, Danny," He told me, jumping off of the edge of his bed with the noose around his neck. I watched as he struggled harder and harder to breathe. It was a terrible sound. A sound that made me want to shoot myself. 

And then, his eyes rolled back, and he stopped breathing. He was dead. Dead forever. Gone for real. 

"DANNY! DANNY!" James was shouting at me, shaking me back awake. I was in my bunk, drenched in sweat, and shaking like mad. 

"Wh-at?" I croaked.

"It's just a dream, it's only a dream," He assured me. 

"It was a dream?" I asked. "Oh, I see." I can't believe that I let myself fall asleep. Usually, I'm awake all night. I must've been too tired.