Draft version - Russian Roulette - Family secrets

Ch. 73: You know how I am

"4 years ago? You mean?" Mackenzie was whispering because saying it loud would make it real. She was not ready for it to be real.

Cancer.

He had been battling cancer and not told her. In the months they had been seeing each other this time around he had kept that a secret knowing how angry and hurt she had been about him disappearing on her back then. Of course, he had promised to tell her when she was ready, but how the hell was she supposed to ever be ready for that information?

"Please, sit down and let me explain?"
"I'll mess the couch."
"To hell with the bloody couch. I'll buy a fucking new one." Gareth held his hand out to her and begged her, "Please, Mackenzie, give me a chance to explain."

Mackenzie did not want to hear what he had to say. She was afraid it was more devastating than what he had already told her. She could not live in world where Gareth, her magnificent Gareth, was sick. Maybe the reason he had been so relentless in wanting her was because he wanted something before he...

She was not ready to think that thought to end.

Reluctantly she sat down and noted how Gareth refused to let go of her hand.
"Ok, Gareth, talk."

Gareth shook his head. "I don't even know where to start. Honestly, I've gone over this conversation a million times in my head, and I still have no clue how to explain any of it."
"Is that why you ghosted me?"

"Yes."

If nothing else, he was honest with her about that. Mackenzie wanted to slap him. No, she wanted to beat him into a weeping pulp of an excuse for a man.

"I hate you," Mackenzie finally whispered bitterly.
"No." Gareth pulled her close and locked his arms around her desperately kissing her hair. "No, you don't. Be mad at me, yell at me, beat the crap out of me but don't hate me."

Wild with sorrow and hate burning inside her, Mackenzie pushed his arms away and he let her go not knowing what to do to calm her down. She hammered her fists on his chest in rage.

"I hate you!"
"Malyshka, please..."
"You could have died, and I would never have known!" she hysterically cried at him. "You meant everything to me. And you... You!" She was choking on the words and kept hitting him.

Gareth grabbed her wrists and held then tightly for her to stop hitting him. She was crying like her heart had broken. Maybe it really had. He had done it twice now.

"I know, Mackenzie."

Mackenzie resisted when Gareth tried to pull her in to hold her. "Why? Why did you put me through that? I would have been there for you."

"It wasn't on purpose, you have to believe that. Ask Vasili, he knows I never shut you out purposely. From I was diagnosed and throughout our friendship I tried to man up to tell you. I was going to." Gareth looked guilty and helpless searching for the words, pleading with her to listen. "I began treatments pretty much out of the blue because the doctors told me it had spread already. I went in for some additional tests and they kept me there."

Closing his eyes and remembering the darkest time in his life Gareth wished he had done things differently. He had been honest during truth or dare, he would never have let her go, if he had been in a position to make the choice.

"I got so sick from those treatments that nothing mattered. I wasn't coherent enough to take responsibility for anything. My friendship with you included."

He bowed his head in guilt having to admit something that would forever haunt him.

"I had given up, Mackenzie. I thought it was my time, so I didn't fight. It was the same for me. Die from cancer or die from the treatments draining my soul. I just gave up."