So Close (a James Hetfield story)

Chapter 47

I understood his pain so deeply, I could almost feel it scratching under my skin. He was already paying his penance though; he didn't deserve to be punished any more than he already was.

"Jamie," I said slowly, "you misinterpreted that photo. The love you saw was affection and friendship, at least on my part. I was never—ever—in love with Erik."

He looked up sharply. "Wait, what?"

"I was attracted to him and I cared about him, but I wasn't in love with him. I was never gonna love him, because I was always in love with you. It's always been you."

He stared at me and I could see that he was processing my words. He looked down finally, his cheeks flushing with shame. He suddenly reminded me of the first time we'd met as kids, sitting in the home of our piano teacher, his head dropped down as he avoided my gaze and his cheeks red with discomfort like they were now.

"I shoulda known that," he murmured softly. "You've told me and shown me in so many ways, why did I immediately jump to the wrong conclusion?"

"Because love makes us dumb. Both you and me specifically." I shrugged my shoulders. "I'm paraphrasing my mom."

Jamie's eyes widened. "Wait, yer mom said that about us?" He sat back and rubbed his eyes. "Great, glad to know we're really hittin' it outta the park."

He looked at me sideways and suddenly we were both laughing. Fuck, maybe my mom was right. That just made me laugh harder.

We laughed until our sides hurt, and then we leaned against the back of the couch, looking at each other.

"Why him?"

I could tell the storm had passed.

"I guess it was a lot like you and Kristen, I was trying to move forward." I grimaced slightly. "He was the first guy who took the time to be my friend and not just try and get into my pants. He understood that I was carrying around a lot of pain and he was patient and kind."

James chewed on that for a moment. "I guess...I guess I should be thankin' him then. For helpin' you when ya needed it."

My chest tightened; I knew it wasn't easy for him to be generous towards Erik.

"He's a good person. Though, I think he got the short end of the stick." Jamie shot me a questioning look. "He never really stood a chance," I explained. "I still feel guilty that I couldn't give him what he wanted."  

"Yer love."

"Yeah."

We were quiet for a few minutes.

"Am I an asshole for sayin' that I'm glad he didn't get ya to fall in love with him?" He shifted onto his side so that he was facing me. "I know I don't have a fuckin' leg to stand on here...cuz of how I broke us up, cuz of all the shit I did when we were apart...but whether he deserved it or not, I'm really fuckin' grateful that I'm the one you love." He gave a rueful smile as he added, "If we're bein' honest. And less stupid...for yer mom's sake."

I smiled at that, and then, surprised him by scootching over and cuddling up against him. His arms went around me quickly and we sat together on the couch as the light faded outside.

"Hello!" a voice called out from the open door accompanied by a hesitant knock.

We both looked up startled to see Kelly and Adrian standing awkwardly at the entrance.

"Are we interrupting?" Kel asked, eyeing the two of us on the sofa. "The door was open..."

I felt James kiss the top of my head. "Leila was just knockin' some sense into my thick head."