sat by the ocean

destroy me

my bruises are burning
trapped between my two knees
color my eyes, and
come sit behind me

I want I want I want I want I want
tear me apart
or tell me just one phrase
alter my life's path

I want to do it alone
but I don't know if I can

shatter me tenderly
destroy me night after night
let the new me set in
then take her right out of my hands

oh, feel my hands
warm and unsure
I wanna make big mistakes
but instead I just lay here

I want to feel explosive,
I wanna burst like a firework
mental health, it drains me
please just let go of me

you don't want me
I don't want you
so fucking let go

I tell myself lies and that's enough
to know it's wrong

I'm wrong
I'm so so so so so wrong

make me be someone else
make me be something else

my brain tells me no no no no NO
don't do that
but I do it anyway
because there's nothing else
nothing nothing nothing
and even that's a lie too

don't you want me?
doesn't anyone?
why the fuck am I still here?
I've moved on before
why is it suddenly so difficult?
damn you for starting this,
and thank you, too,
you absolute horror show of a person

don't talk to me anymore

I only want to talk to me,
and I want to talk to me alone.

fucking let me go already
I'm tired of this shit
what're you gonna do when it all falls back down on me?
this cotton fence isn't getting any stronger
damn it, I'm tired
don't you want me?
don't you fucking love me?
I'll tear your insides to shreds until you spit it out

I'm tired and aggressive and I don't want anybody to see
you're just me.
I'm talking to me.
I shift around a lot
but now it's me.

it's just me.

it's only me.

it's always been that way.

I've been alone through everything.

I'm alone now.

I'm trying to make my flaws perfect.

I don't wanna love you anymore.

it's one heart-wrenching line after another, and I'm relying on your reactions to form my own.

I just wanna respond, not react.

let me be bigger than a universe and smaller than a planet and the same size as a mouse.

I am wiser than you, I am smarter than you, I am bigger than you, I am better than you—and yet you treat me like I'm nothing.

like I'm just another thing in this world.

I'm sick of this feeling.
this feeling that resided here at this time in my life.
its energy is a constant.
can't you feel something similar around you?
I'm getting mad now,
red and orange and frustrated
and I don't do that much these days
so you should feel me out while it lasts
because I don't want you to
so you know it's gotta be good

don't always do what I say
sometimes,
it's better not to respect me in the most commonplace way—
sometimes,
you need to disobey me to respect me.
nobody seems to get that.

I'm never really fine,
fine's just a passing feeling.
I'm really grateful for it,
because I get to keep my sanity.

but now I'm skipping,
falling,
falling,
where's my destiny?

there's somebody I'm supposed to be

let me the fuck go
you're holding on too tight
better yet, don't touch me at all
I am disgusted at your mention

am I really anything at all?
how do I display my power in full?

I envy you and your cut-and-dryness,
even though I know it's a mask.

I wanna change and grow and move so far forward that me right now is just a distant memory for myself that while I love I am no longer.

why don't I let me do that?