Invisible String

it all started with an innocent crush

About one month after settling in in my grandparents house and my mom starting working on a new job at a nursing home, Robert and Noreen Fletcher, Cari's parents, invited us for dinner at their house. Of course I refused to go, especially after knowing that my former best friend was the perfect representation of what I despised - read was intimidated by - the most about high school and its universe, but my mom made me do it despite all my requests for staying in my room and leaving me out of the awkward reunion with the Fletchers. She insisted that it would be good for me to leave the house for a little and reconnect with my best friend, even though I explained to her that that was impossible to happen, but she didn't listen to me, so I had to go.

I was a nerve wreck when we arrived at their gigantic, beautiful house that was just around the corner from my grandparents'. I'm an anxious person by nature, always have been, but when I'm put in situations that I don't like or don't feel comfortable with, my nerves intensify by a hundred times and I can't function properly. And that time wasn't different. When Noreen opened the door and received us with the biggest smile, the only thing my mind could focus on was that soon I would have to be close and even talk to Cari Fletcher.

The dinner night went as awkward as predicted. I can't lie and say that Cari didn't try to keep a conversation going with me, but my shy ass didn't say much more than a few words in response so she stopped trying after a couple of failed attempts. She wasn't rude or displising like I thought she would be, in fact, she was surprisingly nice. She even said that if I needed any help adjusting back at school I could hit her up anytime. After a while, I wasn't sure if the intimidating feeling came from the being popular thing or if it was because of how beautiful she looked even straight out of the shower. She wasn't wearing any make up and her blonde hair was still wet when she came downstairs after coming home from the volleyball practice. I can still remember the scent of her shampoo to this day if I close my eyes for a minute. Even with no effort she looked flawless. I even ended up committing to join the volleyball team when Noreen suggested it and my mom backed her up basically taking the decision for me. But I think what really convinced me was that my ex best friend said that they really needed a couple of new teammates and I would be welcomed if I wanted to try. And, just like that, a week later, I was part of the school volleyball team, even knowing minimum about said sport.

After that night I couldn't look at her the same way. Everytime we crossed paths at school or had class together, my breath played games with me and didn't let me take the air to my lungs like a normal person. After a couple of weeks, I slowly discovered that I had, just like everyone from the male race and I'm sure all the queer girls from the school, a big crush on my childhood best friend. Realizing that scared the hell out of me, especially because I had to see her at every practice and have some classes together and sometimes have dinner at her house because of our parents' connection and all that stuff.

Pretty girls always made me feel nervous. But pretty and popular girls made me feel nervous times three. I think what made her so special was the fact that she wasn't like the stereotyped mean popular girl we see around, she was actually a really nice and sweet person, which only helped to make her look even prettier.

I remember being so confused around that time. It was hard for me to admit to myself that there was a big chance of me being gay and there was nothing I could do about it other than hide it from everyone else and pretend it wasn't a major part of my identity. Can you imagine being a shy, anxious gay kid back then when people weren't so accepting and used to make fun and bully you because of your sexual orientation? I was terrified by the possibility that somone could suspect that there was something different about me and start some rumors or something like that. It was one of my biggest fear for a long time to be honest.

But, returning to the story, the volleyball practices made me and Cari get a little bit closer over time. It was hard for me to feel comfortable around her the first times, mainly because of the crushing situation, but the way she was always attentive and asking me if I was adjusting well to the team or not, like the captain she was, made me feel a lot more relaxed around her. Also, I knew that the crush thing was nothing more than that, a crush. She would never look at me the same way, so all I had to do was dig whatever I thought I was feeling six feet under and pretend it never existed. My innocent ass really thought that would be an easy task to do. Well, as you probably must've been thinking, it wasn't.