The Hobbit {Male Reader Insert}

Chapter 5: Adventure part 2

[when Bilbo looks round to watch Gollum, he sees that he's gone, we see Gollum is quietly approaching Bilbo and suddenly comes upon him]
Gollum: Bless us and splash us, precious. That's a meaty mouthful.
[Bilbo draws his sword and places it against Gollum's throat]
Gollum: Gollum! Gollum!
Bilbo: Back. Stay back. I'm warning you, don't come any closer.
[Gollum backs off]
Gollum: It's got an Elfish blade, but it's not an Elfes. Not an Elfes, no. What is it, precious? What is it?
[still pointing his sword at Gollum]
Bilbo: My name...is Bilbo Baggins.
Gollum: Bagginses. What is a Bagginses, precious?
Bilbo: I'm a...hobbit from the Shire.
Gollum: Oh! We like goblinses, batses and fishes, but we hasn't tried Hobbitses before! Is it soft? Is it juicy?
[Gollum starts to come closer]
Bilbo: Now! Now, keep...keep your distance!
[he waves his sword at Gollum]
Bilbo: I'll use this, if I have too.
[Gollum hisses at him]
Bilbo: I don't...I don't want any trouble, you understand? Just show me the way to get out of here, and I'll be on my way.
Gollum: Why? Is it lost?
Bilbo: Yes. Yes, and I want to get unlost, as soon as possible.
Gollum: Oh, we knows! We knows safe path for hobbitses. Safe path in the dark. Shut up!
Bilbo: I didn't say anything.
Gollum: I wasn't talking to you!
[turning to talk to himself]
Gollum: Oh yes, we...we was, precious, we was.
Bilbo: Look, I...I don't know what your game is, but I...
Gollum: Games?! Oh, we love games, doesn't we, precious? Does it like games? Does it, does it, does it like to play?
[Gollum laughs]
Bilbo: Maybe.
Gollum: What has roots as nobody sees, is taller than trees, up, up, up it goes, and yet never grows?
Bilbo: The mountain.
[Gollum laughs]
Gollum: Yes! Yes! Ooh, let's have another one, huh? Yes. Go, do it again. Do it, do it again, ask us.
[suddenly he turns in anger on himself]
Gollum: No! No more riddles. Finish him off, finish him now! Gollum, Gollum!
[Gollum turns to attack Bilbo]
Bilbo: No! No, no, no. I want...I want to play. I do. I want to play. I can see...you are very good at this. Uh...so why don't we have a game of riddles? Yes, just...just...just you and me.
Gollum: Yes. Just...just...just us.
Bilbo: Yes! Yes! And...and if I win, you will show me the way out. Yes?
Gollum: Yes. Yes!
[Gollum starts talking to himself]
Gollum: And if it loses, what then? Well, if it loses, precious, then we eats it!
[Gollum laughs then turns to Bilbo]
Gollum: If Baggins loses, we eats it whole.
[Bilbo pauses for a moment to think]
Bilbo: Fair enough.
[Bilbo puts his sword away as they start their game of riddles]
Gollum: The Baggins first.
[Bilbo thinks for a moment]
Bilbo: Thirty white horses on a red hill. First they champ, then they stamp, then they stand still.
[Gollum thinks for a few moments]
Gollum: Teeth?
[he looks at Bilbo and realizes he's answered correctly]
Gollum: Teeth!
[he starts laughing]
Gollum: Yes, my precious! But we...we only have nine.
[Gollum shows his teeth to Bilbo]
Gollum: Our turn. Voiceless it cries, wingless flutters, toothless bites, mouthless mutters.
[Bilbo tries to figure it out]
Bilbo: Just a minute.
[Bilbo turns trying to work out the riddle]
Gollum: Ooh! We knows, we knows!
[talking to himself]
Gollum: Shut up!
[as Bilbo is thinking he sees the breeze over the water in the cave's lake]
Bilbo: Wind.
[he turns to Gollum]
Bilbo: It's wind! Of course it is.
[Gollum hisses in anger]
Gollum: Very clever, hobbitses. Very clever!
[Gollum starts to come upon Bilbo in anger and Bilbo draws his sword again]
[Bilbo carries on the game of riddles]
Bilbo: A...a box without hinges, key or...or lid, yet golden treasure inside is hid.
[Gollum mumbles to himself as he thinks]
Bilbo: Well?
Gollum: It's nasty.
[Gollum carries on mumbling to himself as he tries to come up with the answer]
Bilbo: Give up?
Gollum: Give us a chance, precious! Give us a chance!
[Gollum thinks hard and suddenly comes up with the answer]
Gollum: Eggses! Eggses! Wet, crunchy little eggses, yes. Grandmother taught us to suck them, yes!
[Gollum laughs, Bilbo gets distracted by bats flying and turns to see where they've come from, when he turns around he sees Gollum is gone but he can hear his voice]
Gollum: We have one for you. All things it devours; birds, beasts, trees, flowers. Gnaws iron, bites steel, Grinds hard stones to meal. Answer us.
Bilbo: Give me a moment, please. I gave you a good long while.
[Bilbo starts muttering to himself as he thinks]
Bilbo: I don't know this one.
Gollum: Is it tasty? Is it scrumptious? Is it crunchable!
[suddenly Gollum appears behind Bilbo placing his hands around his neck, Bilbo turns and gets out of his grasp, holding his sword out in front of him]
Bilbo: Let me think! Let me think.
Gollum: It's stuck. Bagginses is stuck. Time's up.
[Gollum gives Bilbo an evil look and just then Bilbo realizes the answer]
Bilbo: Time? Ti... The answer is Time.
[Gollum hisses in frustration and anger]
Bilbo: Actually, it wasn't that hard.
Gollum: Last question. Last chance.
[Gollum picks up a rock and holds it hidden in his hand]
Bilbo: Okay. Uh...
Gollum: Ask us. Ask us!
Bilbo: Yes. Yes, alright.
[Bilbo turns to think and puts his hand in his pocket, touching the ring he mumbles to himself]
Bilbo: What have I got in my pocket?
Gollum: Well, that's no fair. It's...it's no fair! It's against the rules!
[he throws the rock in hand in anger]
Gollum: You ask us another one.
Bilbo: No. No, no, no. You said, ask me a question. Well that is my question. What have I got in my pocket?
Gollum: Three guesses, precious. He must give us three!
Bilbo: Three guesses, very well, guess away.
Gollum: Handses!
[Bilbo holds up his hand]
Bilbo: Wrong. Guess again.
Gollum: Uuh! Fish bones, goblin's teeth, wet shells, bat's wings! Oooh! Aaah!
[Gollum hisses in frustration and anger, then looks up at Bilbo]
Gollum: Knife!
[to himself]
Gollum: No, shut up!
Bilbo: Wrong, again. Last guess.
Gollum: String! Or nothing.
Bilbo: Two guesses at once. Wrong both times.
[Gollum cries in frustration]
Bilbo: So. Come then. I won the game, you promised to show me the way out.
Gollum: Did we say so, precious? Did we say so?
[Gollum turns and looks with evil intent at Bilbo]
Gollum: What has it got in its pocketses?
Bilbo: That's no concern of yours. You lost.
Gollum: Lost. Lost? Lost?
[Gollum moves to put the ring on, but finds the ring is missing from its place on his loincloth]
Gollum: Where is it? Where is it?!
[he starts looking around himself]
Gollum: No! Aaah! Where is it? Nooo! Lost, lost! Curse us and splash us, my precious is lost!
[realizing that Gollum is referring to the ring, Bilbo quickly moves the ring out of his pocket]
Bilbo: What have you lost?
[Gollum in tears turns to look at Bilbo]
Gollum: Mustn't ask us! Not its business! Nooo! Gollum! Gollum!
[Gollum cries for a moment, then looks at his reflection in the water]
Gollum: What has it got in its nasty little pocketses?