The Hobbit {Male Reader Insert}

Chapter 2: The mission

Bilbo: The Lonely Mountain.
Gloin: Aye, Oin has read the portents, and the portents say: it is time.
Oin: Ravens have been seen flying back to the mountain as it was foretold. When the birds of the old return to Erebor, the reign of the beast will end.
Bilbo: Uh...what beast?
Bofur: Well that would be a reference to Smaug the terrible, chiefest and greatest calamity of our age. Airborne fire breather, teeth like razors, claws like meat hooks, extremely fond of precious metals.
(Y/n): A Dragon is what he's saying
Bilbo: Yes, I know what a dragon is.
[Ori rises to his feet]
Ori: I'm not afraid, I'm up for it. I'll give him a taste of the dwarfish iron right up his jacksy!
[the others cheer him on]
Dori: Sit down!
Balin: The task would be difficult enough with an army behind us, but we number just thirteen, and not thirteen of the best, nor brightest.
Ori: Hey! Who are you calling dim?
[everyone starts talking at the same time]
Fili: We may be few in number. But we're fighters, all of us! To the last dwarf*(y/n) coughs*... And Man!"
Kili: And you forget we have a wizard in our company, Gandalf will have killed hundreds of dragons in his time.
Gandalf: Oh, well. No, uh, I...I wouldn't say...
Dori: How many then?
Gandalf: What?
Dori: Well, how many dragons have you killed? Go on, give us a number!
[the dwarves start talking all together again, getting angrier]
(Y/n): Enough all of you!"
Bilbo: Uh...Please. Please.
[suddenly Thorin rises and shouts]
Thorin: Enough!
Thorin: If we have read these signs, do you not think others will have read them too? Rumors have begun to spread. The dragon Smaug has not been seen for sixty years. Eyes look East to the mountain, assessing, wondering, weighing the risk. Perhaps the vast wealth of our people now lies unprotected. Do we sit back while others claim what is rightfully ours? Or do we seize this chance to take back Erebor?
[as the others cheer Thorin speaks in dwarvish]
Balin: You forget the front gate is sealed. There is no way into the mountain.
Gandalf: That, my dear Balin, is not entirely true.
[Gandalf holds up a key]
(Y/n):*thoughts *wide eyed*The key to the second entrance to Erebor!"
Thorin: How came you by this?
Gandalf: It was given to me by your father by Thrain, for safekeeping. It is yours now.
[he gives the key to Thorin]
Fili: If there is a key, there must be a door!
[pointing to the map]
Gandalf: These runes speak of a hidden passage to the lower halls.
Kili: There's another way in.
Gandalf: Well, if we can find it, but dwarf doors are invisible when closed. The answer lies hidden somewhere in this map, and I do not have the skill to find it, but there are others in Middle-Earth who can. The task I have in mind will require a great deal of stealth, and no small amount of courage. But if we're careful and clever, I believe that it can be done.
Ori: That's why we need a burglar.
Bilbo: Hmm. And a good one too. An expert, I'd imagine.
Gloin: And are you?
[everyone looks at Bilbo]
Bilbo: Am I what?
[pointing to Gandalf]
Oin: He said he's an expert!
Bilbo: Me? No! No, No, No! I...I'm not a burglar. I've never stolen a thing in my life.
(Y/n): Aye he's right, look at him he's not burglar material"
Balin: And I'm afraid I have to agree with Mr. Baggins and (y/n). He's hardly burglar material.
Dwalin: Aye, the wild is no place for gentle folk who can neither fight nor fend for themselves.
[the dwarves all start speaking over each other, suddenly Gandalf rises]
Gandalf: Enough! If I say Bilbo Baggins is a burglar, then a burglar he is! Hobbits are remarkably light on their feet. In fact, they can pass unseen by most if they choose, and while the dragon is accustomed to the smell of a dwarf, the scent of a hobbit is all but unknown to him, which gives us a distinct advantage. You asked me to find the 15th member of this company, and I have chosen Mr. Baggins. There's a lot more to him than appearances suggest. And he's got a great deal more to offer than any of you know, including himself.
(Y/n): Hope your right about this Gandalf"
[looking at Thorin]
Gandalf: You must trust me on this (y/n).
Thorin: Very well. We'll do it your way.
Bilbo: No. No...
Thorin: Give him the contract.
Bofur: Orin. We're off!
Bilbo: Please.
[Balin rises to his feet, holding the contract]
Balin: It's just the usual summary of out-of-pocket expenses, time required, remuneration, funeral arrangements, so forth.
[Balin passes the contract to Thorin who gives it to Bilbo]
Bilbo: Funeral arrangements?
[Bilbo opens the contract and starts reading it]
Bilbo: Ooh.
[as Bilbo reads the contract, Thorin whispers to Gandalf]
Thorin: I cannot guarantee his safety.
Gandalf: Understood.
Thorin: Nor will I be responsible for his fate.
Gandalf: Agreed.
[reading from the long list on the contract]
Bilbo: 'Total's cash on delivery, up to but not exceeding, one fourteenth of total profit if any.'
[to himself]
Bilbo: Seems fair.
[carries on reading]
Bilbo: Uh...'The present company shall not be liable for injuries inflicted by or sustained as a consequence thereof, including, but not limited to...lacerations. Evisceration.
[turns over the page]
Bilbo: Incineration?
Bofur: Oh, aye, he'll melt the flesh off your bones in the blink of an eye.
(Y/n): Bofur don't tell em that, you'll scare our burglar away"
[Bilbo tries to take all this in]
Balin: You alright, laddie?
Bilbo: Huh? Yeah, I fe...
[takes a breath]
Bilbo: I feel a bit faint.
Bofur: Think furnace, with wings.
(Y/n): Bofur your pushing it!"
Bilbo: I...I...I need air.
Bofur: Flash of light, searing pain, then poof! You're nothing more than a pile of ash!
[Bilbo thinks for a moment then looks over at the dwarves]
Bilbo: No.
[he faints, collapsing to the ground]
Gandalf: Oh, very helpful, Bofur.
(Y/n): Yeah,you couldn't keep your mouth shut for once"
[after fainting from finding out what the dragon can do to him]
Bilbo: I'll be alright. Just let me sit quietly for a moment.
Gandalf: You've been sitting quietly for far too long. Tell me, when did doilies and your mother's dishes become so important to you? I remember a young hobbit who was always running off in search of Elves, in the woods. He'd stay out late, come home, after dark, trailing mud and twigs and fireflies. A young hobbit who would've liked nothing better than to find out what was beyond the borders of the Shire. The world is not in your books and maps. It's out there.
Bilbo: I can't just go running off into the blue! I am a Baggins, of Bag End!
Gandalf: You are also a Took. Did you know that your great, great, great, great uncle Bullroarer Took, was so large he could ride a real horse?
[Bilbo nods his head]
Gandalf: Yes, well he could! In the battle of Greenfields, he charged the goblin ranks he swung his club so hard, it knocked the goblin king's head clean off, and it sailed a hundred yards through the air, and went down a rabbit hole. And thus the battle as won, and the game of golf invented at the same time.
Bilbo: I do believe you made that up.
Gandalf: Well, all good stories deserve embellishment. You'll have a tale or two to tell of your own when you come back.
Bilbo: Can you promise that I will come back?
Gandalf: No. And if you do, you'll not be the same.
Bilbo: That's what I thought.
[Bilbo rises to his fee]
Bilbo: Sorry, Gandalf, I can't sign this. You've got the wrong hobbit.
[he turns and walks off]
[watching as Bilbo walks off after his discussion with Gandalf]
Balin: It appears we have lost our burglar. Probably for the best. The odds were always against us. After all, what are we? Merchants, miners, tinkers, toy makers. Hardly the stuff of legend.
(Y/n): Just great"
Thorin: There are a few warriors amongst us.
Balin: Old warriors.
Thorin: I would take each and every one of these dwarves over an army from the Iron Hills, for when I called upon them, they answered. Loyalty, honor, a willing heart. I can ask no more than that.
Balin: You don't have to do this. You have a choice. You've done honorably by our people. You have built a new life for us in the Blue Mountains. A life of peace and plenty. A life that is worth more than all the gold in Erebor.
Thorin: From my grandfather to my father, this has come to me. They dreamt of the day when the dwarves of Erebor would reclaim their homeland. There is no choice, Balin. Not for me.
Balin: Then we are with you, laddie. We will see it done.
[later that night, the dwarves and (y/n) start singing about the Misty Mountains, the devastation of Smaug, and their kingdom]
Thorin [singing] Far over the Misty Mountains cold. To dungeons deep and caverns old. We must away ere break of day. To find our long forgotten gold.
Dwarves and (y/n) : [singing] The pines were roaring on the height, the winds were moaning in the night. The fire was red, it flaming spread. The trees like torches blazed with light.
[the next morning, Bilbo wakes up to find his house empty, he looks around looking for the dwarves]
Bilbo: Hello!
[Bilbo looks pleased that everything is back in order, but then he looks down and sees the contract, he thinks for a moment and then we see him flying out the door, contract in hand as he runs to find Gandalf,(y/n)and the dwarves]
Hobbit: Here, Mr. Bilbo! Where are you off too?
Bilbo: I can't stop, I'm already late!
Hobbit: Late for what?
Bilbo: I'm going on an adventure!
[Bilbo finally catches up with Gandalf and the dwarves in the woods]
Bilbo: Wait! Wait!
[everyone stops and turns to look at Bilbo as he runs towards them, waiving the contract]
(Y/n): Knew you would come"
Bilbo: I signed it.
[he gives the contract to Balin, who checks it]
Balin: Everything appears to be in order. Welcome, master Baggins, to the company of Thorin Oakenshield.
Thorin: Give him a pony.
Bilbo: No, no, no, no. That...that won't be necessary. Thank you. I'm sure I can keep up on foot. Yeah, I...I've done my fair share of walking holidays, you know? Even got as far as Frog Morton once.
[suddenly two of the dwarves grab hold of his arms, pick him up and place him on a pony]
[as they all ride along in the woods, Bilbo rides on his pony, looking very uncomfortable]
Oin: Come on, Nori! Pay up!
[Bilbo sees the dwarves throwing bags of money to each other]
Bilbo: What's that about?
Gandalf: Oh, they took wagers on whether or not you'd turn up. Most of them bet that you wouldn't.
Bilbo: And what did you think?
Gandalf: Well...
[Gandalf suddenly catches a bag of money one of the dwarves throws at him]
Gandalf: My dear fellow, I never doubted you for a second.
(Y/n): Same here"
[suddenly Bilbo sneezes]
Bilbo: Oh, it's horse hair. Having a reaction.
[looks in his pockets for his handkerchief but can't find it]
Bilbo: Uh...wait, wait. Stop! Stop! We have to turn around.
Gandalf: What on earth is the matter?
Bilbo: I forgot my handkerchief.
Bofur: Here! Use this.
[he rips off a bit of cloth from his robe and throws it to Bilbo, who looks at it with disgust]
Thorin: Move on!
[as they continue on their journey]
Gandalf: You'll have to manage without pocket handkerchiefs, and a good many other things, Bilbo Baggins, before we reach our journey's end. You were born to the rolling hills and little rivers of the Shire. But home is now behind you. The world is ahead.
[later that night, as everyone is asleep around the campfire, Bilbo gets awakened by the loud snoring of the dwarves, not being able to sleep he goes and feeds his pony with apples]
Bilbo: Good girl! Here's a good girl. It's our little secret, Myrtle. Just tell no one. Shh-shh...
[suddenly Bilbo hears a wild shrieking, he turns to Kili and Fili who are sat by the fire]
Bilbo: What was that?
Kili: Orcs.
Bilbo: Orcs?
[we see Thorin awakened by the noise]
Fili: Throat cutters. There'd be dozens of them out there. The low lands are crawling with them.
Kili: They strike, in the wee small hours, when everyone's asleep. Quick and quiet, no screams. Just lots of blood.
[Kili and Fili laughs as they tease Bilbo, who looks very worried]
(Y/n): *hits Kili on the head* will you shut up!*walks away*"
Thorin: You think that's funny? You think a night raid by orcs is a joke?
Kili: We didn't mean anything by it.
Thorin: No you didn't. You know nothing of the world.
[Thorin walks off to be by himself]
Balin: Don't mind them, laddie. Thorin and (y/n) have more cause than most to hate orcs.
[after Bilbo hears the orcs shrieking and (y/n) walks off in anger, as Thorin follows]
Balin: After the dragon took the Lonely Mountain, King Thror tried to reclaim the ancient dwarf kingdom of Moria.
[we see flashback of the battle of the dwarves with the orcs]
Balin: [voice over] But our enemy had got' there first.
[we see Thrain, Thror and Thorin fighting valiantly]
Balin: [voice over] Moria had been taken by legions of orcs, led by the most vile of all their race, Azog the Defiler. The giant Gundabad orc had sworn to wipe out the line of Durin and (l/n) He began by beheading the king and (y/n)s father"
[we see Azog screaming as he holds the decapitated head of Thror and Regvar (l/n) and then throwing it aside as Thorin and (y/n) watches in horror]
Balin: Thrain, Thorin's father, was driven mad by grief, he went missing, taken prisoner or killed, we did not know. We were leaderless. Defeat and death were upon us. That is when I saw him. A young dwarf prince facing down the Pale Orc.
[we see as Thorin fight Azog and losing his armor]
Balin: [voice over] He stood alone against this terrible foe. His armor rent, wielding nothing but an oaken branch as a shield.
[as Azog is about to deliver a deadly blow, Thorin suddenly uses his sword to cut Azog's arm]
Balin: Azog the Defiler learned that day, that the line of Durin would not be so easily broken.
[Thorin rallies his army of dwarves and they continue their battle with the rest of the orcs]
Balin: Our forces rallied, and drove the orcs back. Our enemy had been defeated, but there was no feast, nor song that night for our dead were beyond the count of grief. We few, had survived.
[as the battle with the orcs was won, we see the younger Balin as he watches Thorin]

Balin: And I thought to myself then, there is one who I could follow, there is one I could call king.
[back at the camp, Thorin turns and sees all the dwarves have risen and are looking at him with respect]
Bilbo: And the Pale Orc? What happened to him?
Thorin: He slunk back into the hole whence he came. That filth died of his wounds long ago.
(Y/n): Let's just hope that's the case.
[at this comment Gandalf looks at Balin]
[across the mountain where the dwarves have camped, we see an scout riding on a warg following Thorin's trail]
Hunter Orc: [subtitled] Send word to the Master, we have found the Dwarf-scum.
[the group continue on their journey into the woods riding in the torrential rain]
Dori: Here, Mr. Gandalf? Can't you do something about this deluge?
(Y/n): Dori have a little patience it's nature after all!.
Gandalf: It is raining, master dwarf. And it will continue to rain until the rain is done! If you wish to change the weather of the world, you should find yourself another wizard.
Bilbo: Are there any?
Gandalf: What?
Bilbo: Other wizards?
Gandalf: There are five us. The greatest of our order is Saruman, The White. Then there are the two blue wizards. Do you know, I've quite forgotten their names.
Bilbo: And who is the fifth?
Gandalf: Well, that would be Radagast, The Brown.
Bilbo: Is he a great wizard or is he...more like you?
(Y/n): He's a crazy wizard but once you get to know him you'll like him.
Gandalf: I think he's a very great wizard, in his own way. He's a gentle soul who prefers the company of animals to others. He keeps a watchful eye over the vast forestlands to the East, and a good thing too, for always evil will look to find a foothold in this world.
[we see Radagast in the forest seeing a strange mold growing on the trees, he picks a dead leaf and looks at it]
Radagast: Not good. Not good at all!
[he starts running through the forest and passing dead animals, he picks a mushroom and then whistles to some birds which land in the nest on his head, he then turns and sees an ailing hedgehog]
Radagast: Oh. Oh, no! Oh, Sebastian! Good gracious.
[he picks up the hedgehog and runs to his home and gives the hedgehog something to cure him, then a bunch of hedgehogs surround the ill one]
Radagast: Move back! Give him some air, for goodness sake!
[Radagast continues to use his magic to cure the sick hedgehog, but nothing works]
Radagast: I don't understand why it's not working, it's not as if it's witchcraft!
[suddenly he realizes something]
Radagast: Witchcraft. Oh, but it is! A dark and powerful magic.
[Radagast sees large spiders crawling onto his house, realizing what will cure the hedgehog, he gives the potion to the hedgehog as he recites a spell, and as the hedgehog is cured the giant spiders crawl away, Radagast watches them retreat into the forest]
Radagast: Where on this good earth do those foul creatures come from?
[a small bird starts tweeting something to Radagast]
Radagast: The old fortress? Show me.
[we see Radagast following the bird in a sled being pulled by large rabbits through the forest]
[back to the group, they stop outside an old ruined farm]
Thorin: We'll camp here for the night. Fíli, Kíli, look after the ponies. Make sure you stay with them.