I was in French class when Jack texted me, I was so excited for it. I missed him so much. I right off the bat noticed his tone, he wasn't okay.
Turns out, Linnaea had a freak out, now trying to stop Jack from talking to me. It hurt a bit.
I was worried sick about him, how is he handling this??? Was he going to leave me??? What will he do???
He ended up telling me that he will talk to me in sercet, only when Linnaea is away. Which made me more at ease, but worried that Linnaea will cut me off.
I gave Jack my number just in case, but he brushed it off. I was still worried, what will this do to our relationship???
My intuition and my mind was so blurred, I couldn't even tell how this was going to turn out.
I was able to see a picture of Linnaea, she changed so much, I saw her as this skinny girl, now bigger than me. I knew this was a way to push me away and make Jack pick her.
I started to panic even more, was I really going to gamble my life? Even before I could complete that thought, I did. I fucking did. I felt so ashamed, have I not learned???
I didn't want to let go, I wanted to do everything to win this, to win the game. But I knew that this is a round I couldn't win at all. I just couldn't.
I pretended to be fine with it, but I knew that I did an impulsive decision, causing me to risk my freedom. I didn't want this, so, I decided, I must be honest. This isn't what I want, if they truly loved me, they won't force me...right??
I took a breath and typed out the message:
"Ight, truth time, I kinda regret my words. Once again, I can see how much problems I have with gambling my life. I don't know why you love me more, but I gonna say it here. I can't meet up to your expectations. You can hate me or leave me but I can't meet them.
Linnaea won, I give up. I can't be her, I ain't as powerful, rich, or free as her. You are so much closer to her than I am, she is able to win your heart faster than I am. I probably just a toy compare to her.
I lose this game, I give up. You can kick me out or whatever. I love you but I know I shouldn't risk my health and life. I don't know if you truly love me or you just say that to not my emotions, knowing you can replace me very fast.
Anyways, have a good day/night, I gonna chill, you can decide to break my heart or not. That's on you know"
I knew this was a make or break time. What they would do and say would either break my heart or make it better.
I was honestly so scared, what would they say? Am I truly not good enough????
A click in my mind, if he truly loves me, he would accept and love me no matter what. If he only loved the idea of me, the idea of loving me, or my body, he would leave me without hesitation
I waited for a couple hours, distracting myself with videos, music, games, and people.
I was planning in my mind that I would just move on to Keenann after this, since I knew he loved me so deeply and will never do such a thing to me.
Then, I heard it, that notification sound, I saw the kik icon. I was scared, nervous, what did they say?????
"Hey, its okay, I will always love you, no matter what, okay?"
Jack, Jack wrote that. I asked him why he loved me while Linnaea was bigger than me and I couldn't meet up to their expectations. He listed so many reasons, it made me smile but the storm wasn't over yet.
"Why didn't you tell the truth right away?"
He typed, I didn't know what to say, I told him that I didn't know how he would have reacted. I didn't want to lose him, just because I wasn't good enough.
A click in my mind, you are being a people pleaser, make them chase you, not you chase them.
I started to cry, scared out my mind.
What could have said? I saw him read the text. Typing, I was nervously waiting for his reply.
"You should know by now that I would love you no matter what! You don't need to fear me. Just because Linnaea is bigger than you doesn't make me love you any less"
I stared at this, in complete relief. I asked him questions. Like, about me not being able to get up that point since of my health issues, about me saying things out of impulse, etc.
He kept answering me with such positive messages, how he loved me for me. That he wouldn't mind it at all. Plus so much more.
It made me start crying in relief. It was okay, this relationship is somehow going to work. Somehow, some way. All I could do was sit there and cry tears of happiness.
He said that I should never hide the truth from him, I told him that maybe when he is horny that he would not like me backing out.
Another click in my mind, consent can always be taken back at any time darling.
I quickly zoned back in, he told me that he could never be mad or hate me, that it was okay that I sometimes have to rethink my actions.
He was so loving to me, it ended up so so so much better than I thought it would end up as!
I got to keep my relationship and be comfortable!! Of course, he did want me to be bigger but only at my own will. I thanked him, I told him that I was crying tears of joy.
He comfort me, telling me its all okay, I honestly hope this man will continue showing his soft side to me. I loved that side of him, it always makes me smile.
After that, I always been honest with him, yes we had to keep the relationship on a low but it was so worth it! I love him so deeply, I know he loves me deeply as well.
He kept saying how badly he wanted me to be there instead of Linnaea, how he wanted to feed me, etc. It made me blush and giggle so much.
I am so grateful for this working out and the universe, the moon, and the stars for helping me out. I feel so so so happy and excited for what's next in store for me. I am so grateful to have this polyamorous relationship and to have it be an amazing experience and time for me. I am so grateful for all the positive changes and how I am slowly turning into my dream self. I am so grateful for everything that is being given to me. Thank you so much universe, the moon, and the stars for giving this relationship and helping me keep and improve the relationship. Thank you for allowing me to have such powerful manifestation, I am incredibly grateful for this power I am gifted with, I will always be so grateful for this power that has been gifted to me💙💙
