Invisible String

Chapter 49 - The 1

But I knew at some point I'd have to get up and be a big girl. Deal with the world like an adult. Face my problems and with them, my fears.

I flung my legs over the side of the bed and put on a pair of sweatpants, then plugged my phone in on the end table. I left the bedroom, went back into the kitchen, and grabbed a pack of crackers from a packed up box. I sat down on the couch in the living room, and my eyes searched around for my laptop. Where was the last place I'd seen it? Had I packed it? No, I used it recently. Well, right before the break-up. At Jaiden's.

So, knowing I'd have to get it back sooner or later, I went back to my phone in the bedroom and sat on the floor next to the bed, checking my messages. There were four from Jaiden. The first three from before our end.

Jaiden: Hey, have you heard what happened with Alex?

Jaiden: Hannah, are you okay? I've tried calling.

Jaiden: I'm coming home.

The last one was from after.

Jaiden: I've tried calling you, but it just goes straight to voicemail. I hope you're okay. Your stuff is at my apartment, but I can have it boxed up. Just text me back and let me know what you want to do. The apartment I bought is going back up for sale.

I stared at my phone, dreading texting him back, but I knew I had to deal with what was going on. Five minutes after sitting, staring, and thinking, I finally texted him back.

Me: I can come by and pick it up.

I sat there, waiting for a response. After minutes, staring at my phone, I realized that he, too, had a life he had to continue on with. His didn't revolve around me. Not anymore.

So, as part of the cleansing and moving on process, I checked my voicemails. There were multiple from Alex over the last three days. In each one, he was clearly upset, his voice full of sorrow and, possibly, regret. He said few words in each of them but stated at the end of them all that he needed to talk to me and that he just needed to hear my voice and know that I was okay.

But I wasn't okay. I felt the farthest thing from okay. I felt broken and too dumb to put myself back together correctly. And more than anything, I felt lost. Could it be possible to love two men equally? To not know which path to choose out of fear of choosing the wrong one? Was there a wrong one? Could I be happy with either of them? The more I thought about it, the less sure I was about anything.

I stared down at my phone. There was a message from Jaiden, too. It was from before the breakup. Without hesitation, I deleted it. I couldn't bear to hear his voice. Not the way that he talked to me, the way that he loved me. Even knowing it was there made me want to weep all over again. But I choked back tears, and instead texted back the other person I knew I should.

Me: It's no carrier pigeon message, but here goes. I can't talk to you yet. I'm not ready. There's too much that's happened. So please, just give me some time. I'll call you when I'm ready.

My phone buzzed as his response came through quickly.

Alex: Whatever you need, Hannah. Just know that I'll be here, patiently waiting.

My eyes were glued to the screen and my heartfelt pained. It wasn't beating fast or slow, just regularly, but burning inside of me. I had numerous emotions bottled up inside; anger, relief, frustration, love, and many others I couldn't pinpoint. I was utterly confused. Torn between what felt right and what I knew was wrong.

I stood up, put my phone in my pocket, and went back out into the living room. I stared around at the dozens of boxes that cluttered it, filled with everything that I was going to take with me when I started my new life with Jaiden. But that was over. And I was still here.

I slowly began going through each box, putting things back on shelves, in windows, bookshelves, the entertainment center, the coffee table, and end tables until each was emptied. I spent the hours following that alphabetizing my movies back onto their movie case and the hundred or so books stored in the living room. I had a whole other library of books in my office that I never used.

By the time I looked at the clock, it was around midnight. I'd just barely finished the living room, and it was a bigger mess than before with boxes and newspapers everywhere.

I sighed, not feeling the same about this place that I used to call home. It felt like a gravesite of all the things that I once loved, that used to comfort me, but now only reminded me of everything that I'd given up. Of the things I'd reverted back to. Instead of moving forward, I'd simply wound up at the same place I was a year ago. Alone, depressed, and completely misplaced.

I turned, leaving my past for the night, and went back into my bedroom. While sitting down on the bed, I picked up my phone and checked for messages. There were some from my family and Sandra, but none from the person I wanted to hear from most.