Blair Silver

Part 18: One More Day

We're almost late for our first class.

-

That night, I'm at Blair's house. I told my parents I'd be staying here for dinner (obviously, they don't know he's my boyfriend, my mom just thinks he's my friend and is ecstatic that I finally have a guy friend and therefore will say yes to anything involving him). Ms. Devons has some kind of conference, so she's been gone since about a half an hour ago. Knowing we won't be having dinner with her is the main reason I agreed to this- not that I don't like Ms. Devons. I'm just terrified about being around her when I'm around Blair, because she's my teacher and my boyfriend's mom and how could it not be terrifyingly awkward.

I'm currently reading my new book, since I've been distracted with the whole Jilly-and-Elliot thing recently and haven't gotten the chance to start it yet. At first, I didn't want to because I was afraid Blair would be bored, but he convinced me eventually. I think by pulling me into his lap and holding me close enough that I could feel his heartbeat through his chest. It was comfortingly even. Though, when I started shifting around to get comfortable about twenty minutes ago, it started to speed up. And then he quickly re-positioned us so I'm now lying on his chest, and he's holding the book for me. I think that was the first time I've ever seen Blair blush. It was faint, but definitely there.

I finish the page I'm reading and tap on his wrist. He turns the page.

When I finish the chapter I'm reading, I pull out my bookmark. It was a coming out gift from Jillian- it's got a beautiful rainbow watercolour design, and along the edges, it says 'no hetero' in morse code (it's a play on the term 'no homo', because I'm gay. In morse code, to keep it hidden from my parents. It's basically hiding in plain sight, it's amazing). I gaze at the bookmark for a moment, grinning at the series of dots and dashes around the border, before marking the page in my book. Blair closes the book and places it on my stomach, wrapping his arms around me from behind and resting his chin on top of my head. "I love your bookmark."

I try not to smile too much. "Thanks. Jillian made it for me."

He hums a little. "She's a very good artist."

"She is. Do you know morse code?"

"I used to. Is that what this is?" He traces a finger over the edge. I nod, and he stares at it for a moment, before asking, "What does it say?"

"Nuh-uh. I'm not telling you, I already gave you one clue. If you want to know, you have to relearn morse code." I put the book in my backpack (Blair picked me up from school), and zip it back up, then turn so I'm lying on Blair's chest, facing him. "What did you think of the book?"

He grins, leaning up to steal a brief kiss. "I like it a lot. You're good at choosing books based off of nothing but the cover and synopsis."

"And the author," I remind him. "And there are usually reviews on the back cover. And-"

"Alright, alright, I stand corrected. It's a very educated decision."

I peck his lips, grinning as well. "Some books just call to me."

"'Theo, over here, pick me, pick me...'" Blair says in a squeaky, high-pitched voice, and I smile a little more.

"Was that your impression of books calling to me?"

"It was. Why, is that not what they sound like?"

I giggle, snuggling up to him a little more. "Not quite."

"Guess I need to spend more time at bookstores, then."

"Oh, for sure."

He grins, leaning in to capture my lips with his for a moment before pulling away. I only wait long enough to take a breath before moving closer to kiss him again. This time, neither of us pull away.

-

I find myself googling 'morse code' just minutes after Theo leaves my house. Not because I'm super curious about what the bookmark says- more because Theo told me to.

Wow. I'm whipped.

It's so hard not to be, though. Theo is like no one else. Being with him feels so safe. He's so sweet and innocent and it's genuinely difficult to picture him ever judging me for the things I hate about myself. The things I hide from everyone, including my own mother. Theo is this pure little bundle of soft smiles and cute blushes and all I want to do is treasure him until the day I die.

But I know that I won't. That I can't.

I don't know what's wrong with me. But whenever I get too close to people, I end up pulling away. There's always a point where some part of me just freaks out and triggers this desperate need to get away as fast as possible.

Usually I try and avoid that bit by pulling away early, before the other person or I can get too invested. It's easier for everyone, because then I can gradually distance myself rather than completely ghosting the person and breaking their heart, and my own in the process. Not to mention the incredible guilt at doing it, coupled with the urgent, irrational desire to flee, which together usually result in overwhelming panic. Just thinking about it is almost enough to make me want to break it off with Theo now.

I probably should. I probably should have done it last week, if I'm being honest. He's too easy to fall in love with, which means I should break up with him a lot quicker than usual. But it's just so hard to bring myself to do it...

I know I'm probably already falling in love with him. My heart often threatens to explode whenever I so much as think about his smile, his blush, the way he cuddles into my side. He's absolutely adorable, and I love being around him way too much to ever want to take myself away from him.

But if I don't do it soon...

Just one more day. One more day.

Thoughts on the chapter? What do you think of Jillian and Elliot? How about Theo and Blair reading his new book, and Theo's bookmark? And Blair's POV at the end? Do you think he'll be able to go through with it? Do you have any predictions? I'd love to hear all your thoughts in the comments!

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