Letters To Nobody

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Dear Luke,

 

It is me again…. I have a secret. Remember your razor? Well..I used it. You made me promise that I would never be that weak. But hey…. You also promised to never leave me. After all, promises are meant to be broken.

 

Remember the therapist I told you about? She is trying to find a solution to my nightmares. She has me on a sleeping pill. I hate her room though. Blank white walls. It is like they are trying to brainwash me. No color. Just her, the blank walls, and emptiness.

 

And the therapist? I hate her. She is too perfect. Her perfectly ironed pantsuit. Her nails done with a perfect gloss and a manicure. I want to mess her up so badly. Ruin her. Rip her to pieces. Make her crack. Chip her nails. Throw water all over her perfectly done makeup. I want to see the real her. I can not handle her. She is too calm. All the damn time. She never hisses, she never even bites her lip. She sits with perfect poise and elegance. She is cold, insensitive, and unfeeling. You would have hated her too. I should know… after all you were the person who would make your room perfect and then mess it up in someway. Tip a painting, leave some papers scattered. I remember when I asked, you would always say “Nothing in this life is perfect. Looks are always deceiving.”

 

The nightmares are getting worse. I keep imagining you lying there. On the floor. My tears. Finding the pill bottle under your bed the next day. Your hollow eyes staring into empty space.

 

The therapist told me to focus on the good. To leave the bad behind and remember the things I loved about you. I remember when I got lost in the supermarket. I screamed for you but you never came. I screamed and sat down on the ground and cried. I thought you were gone forever.

 

But you found me.

 

You helped me up and gave me a huge hug. That was when you promised.. you swore that you would never leave me. Like I said… I guess promises are just meant to be broken.

 

I wish you would find me now. I dreamed about that day last night. But this time…. when I looked into your eyes and you told me you loved me? I could only see those soul less, piercing eyes. Dead and unfeeling. Uncaring. About me. The fact that I needed you. You left me when I needed you most.

 

…..I don’t know if I could ever forgive you.

 

I still hate you.

But I still love you.

 

I wish you would come back. But hey… I was always the dreamer.

 

Screw you…..

 

With love,

Your caramel apple