Unfixable [h.s]

1- Porolgue

"🎶I'm jealous of the wind-🎶"

I feel like I should introduce myself. I'm April Hunter but don't call me that. Only my friends call me by my real name and since I don't have mush of friends, nobody really calls me that. I have nothing to show and nothing to give. I'm a complete useless person. I never show emotion or empathy. I never show if I'm hurt or sad cause as weird as it sounds, I never am. I'm just full with anger and when things are tough I run or laugh like they are not. I live with my mum and brother in a small town in England, you might have heard of it, Holmes Chapel. A lot of people visit here and I really have no idea why, it's nothing special but everybody acts like it is. Maybe it is, I wouldn't know cause I moved here a year ago..

"🎶That ripples through your clothes,
It's closer than your shadow,
I'm jealous of the wind-🎶"

Jealous. Labrinth.
Such a beautiful song to describe the feeling of jealousy of a person who loves a person but can't have him. The feeling of the hate towards yourself that the one you love is happy without you. You aren't enough. You'll never be. You envy the one who is. you envy even the most simple things that can touch it as if the rain and the wind.

"🎶'Cause I wished you the best of
all this world could give-🎶"

I wish I knew what he's talking about, but poetry only interests me simply because I have no idea what they were talking about while writing what they did. I always understood it, plainly I mean, I could understand the words they're saying, I could understand that they were hurt, but I simply couldn't feel for them. I couldn't understand those feelings. Simply, cause I don't feel. It's all simple to me but hard for people to understand. Nobody likes me because of that. I won't care if you'll leave me, I won't care if you'll stop talking to me, if you'll begin fighting with me I will just keep listening to the music running up to the earbuds into my ear and ignore you completely. Simple cause I don't care. Yes I'm cold. Yes I'm apathetic. Yes I'm lackadaisical. Call me however you want, again, I don't really care.

"🎶And I told you when you left me
there's nothing to forgive.
But I always thought you'd come back,
Tell me all you found was heartbreak and misery.
It's hard for me to say,
I'm jealous of the way you're happy without me.🎶"

I simply don't understand what can be so sad by being not enough for someone, I'm pretty much used to it, I live it. I have no one that I can hurt, no one that I could break his expectations and let him down, it's a simple life.

"🎶I'm jealous of the nights
that I don't spend with you.
I'm wondering who you lay next to.
Oh, I'm jealous of the nights.🎶"

As I keep playing the piano, my mind is completely empty from thinking about this morning. I have no worries, just playing the piano as always, thinking about things that I don't know.

"🎶I'm jealous of the love,
love that was in here
gone for someone else to share.
Oh, I'm jealous of the love🎶"

Love is a nice word. Doesn't mean anything to me but it's a nice word, there are two kinds of people; the ones that say that money is the thing that runs the world and the other kind. The more pathetic ones that believe that love is the only thing that matters for a healthy life, the passion and care for another person, this feeling that keeps you going, makes you stronger. Love is the strongest thing that exists and it is the thing that runs the world. I believe it's both bullshit.

"🎶'Cause I wished you the best of
all this world could give.
And I told you when you left me
there's nothing to forgive.
But I always thought you'd come back,
Tell me all you found was heartbreak and misery.
It's hard for me to say,
I'm jealous of the way you're happy without me🎶"

Now to the annoying switch which I can never perform.

"🎶As I sink-🎶"

Terrible sound out of the piano.
Another one out of my throat.

The only thing I feel is anger. In my life I have nobody to let down except myself. My mum couldn't care less and so as my brother. He loves me with all of his heart but it's hard for him. I think Shawn is the only person that when he's close to me, I can truly feel something. Him and Michael. It's small but it exists. He thinks I'm too hard on myself. I hate ruining music. Especially when it isn't mine to ruin. Music is pure. Music is thoughts and emotions that gets into millions of pages and sheets, it's the history of million lives that passed here on earth. I hate ruining it.

I get up from the chair in front of the piano, take the chair and push it with force to the front, close to the door.

"fucking shit!"

Always ruining it. Just like dad always says. Or used to, at least.

I fell to the ground. My back to the piano. Angry with myself. The only thing I can feel is anger, misery and pure hate. And all of this, towards myself.

"Hey, hey—"

I hear a soft, deep, raspy voice following by fast heavy footsteps.

"What are you doing?"

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That's for now :) what do you think? 5 votes for next part!!

Btw the first parts are gonna be quite short but I promise as much as the story will go on I'll write more and more and try to keep uploading more and more, love y'all!!!!