somewhere only we know {Parkner Oneshots}

christmas blues and gingerbread houses

67 - "I just came home to you crying while watching a movie, please tell me what's going on."

*

Christmas was never an easy time of the year for Peter.

His mom adored Christmas, from the very few memories Peter has of her. They only got to spend five Christmases together, an unfairly short amount of time, but it's enough for the smell of chocolate chip cookies, for the faint sounds of Mary humming along to the radio, and the warmth of the fireplace while they watched Christmas movies to linger in the back of his head like ghosts.

May and Ben tried their best to make the following six Christmases without his parents to be different but equally memorable.

Ben would be working, he didn't get holidays off, but he'd always come home, arms full of presents from his coworkers and take-out. May would try to make a dessert, but she burned it every time. The only thing she could do was gingerbread houses with Peter, and sometimes Ned, in the kitchen, wincing when Ben would come home to a mess of icing and candy and crumbs.

The year after, Christmas was spent in silence.

May tried, she did. Peter will forever be grateful for the effort she went to get the same take-out they always got, to get the ingredients for gingerbread houses, and made sure Peter had a gift by the TV, having forgotten to decorate or put up a tree, even if it was just a new pair of shoes because money was tight.

Peter couldn't stand to look at her, still hearing the phantom echo of the gunshot, still feeling the washed away dried blood caked under his nails. He held May when she cried, when the door didn't open at six like it always had, no Ben with gifts and laughter and traditions, and then they put on the fireplace channel, drink hot chocolate, and sit in silence until the sun sets.

After that, Peter convinced May it was easier if they just didn't celebrate it at all. Too much loss was associated with the holiday, he wouldn't have fun no matter what they were doing. So, at most, May would buy him a necessity like jeans or a pair of shoes or a new school textbook, and that'd be it.

Until Harley.

Harley who had lived in Tennessee all his life and had never seen New York in the full swing of Christmas and snow and winter and festivities.

May stops him when he's pulling on his winter coat, Harley already bouncing towards the front door in his excitement to see Times Square.

"Honey," she goes.

And Peter nods because he knows what she's asking. After four years without Christmases, four years dancing around the entire month of December like it's taboo, four years of pauses and hugs tighter than they should be, they've developed a wordless understanding of each other.

"Why don't you ask Morgan to tag along with you today? I'm sure the Starks would love to take a trip into the city with you," May tells Harley, offering a gentle smile. "With Peter's thermoregulation, I worry about him going out in weather this cold."

Pausing in his attempts to get his hat on nicely, Harley frowns and looks back at them. "Are you sure? I could stay here. I don't mind watching movies the rest of the day-"

"I'm okay, Harls, go on without me. There's nothing like Times Square on Christmas Eve, but I've seen it a dozen times before."

It's enough for Harley, still caught up in the excitement and rapid pace of the city, and he's out the door after a quick kiss.

May's quiet for a long moment, unmoving, before she draws Peter into a gentle hug, pressing a kiss to his temple. "You know he'd understand if you just told him instead of running yourself into the ground doing things you don't want to do."