Call it What You Want

20 - Bridges Burn

September 2017

Taylor's POV

My brain was in a fog as I drove home from Natalie's. I was supposed to be happy and hopeful  because Natalie agreed to help me. Now, we all had a better chance of living the lives we wanted. Instead, I felt sick and confused. Without thinking, I reached up and tenderly touched the back of my head. It was definitely bruised from where it slammed back into the door.

I flipped on a random radio station for background noise. Natalie's words   had been on repeat in my mind. "She is Joe's, and I never told him." In all honesty, I might have kept the same secret if I were in her position. I couldn't imagine trying to do the work that I have to do while constantly worrying about my child's safety. The fewer people that knew about her, the safer she would be. At the same time, I know that Joe would want to know about his daughter. He's mentioned multiple times that he wants to have kids once his agent days are over.

Natalie begged me not to tell him, and I agreed to as long as she agreed not to tell Joe that I visited her. If he were to find out he has a daughter, I think Natalie deserves to be the one to tell him. How would I even approach that situation? 'Oh by the way Joe, you have a daughter with the woman you thought you were going to marry.' Yeah, I would like to avoid that situation at all costs. All of us carried such heavy secrets and lies around. Most of the time, the lies weren't told out of malice but rather as a protective tool. At least that's what I told myself.

The radio music cut out for a moment and was replaced by my phone ringing through the Bluetooth system. Joe's name popped up on the screen. I panicked for a second before composing myself.

"Hey," I picked up.

"Where are you? You've been gone a really long time. I thought we had plans for dinner tonight." Joe's voice came through clearly on my speakers.

Shoot. I had forgotten that Joe made dinner reservations. My trip to Natalie's went way longer than I anticipated. "I went out exploring and got a little bit turned around when I lost GPS signal. I'm on my way back now."

"Will you be back in time for dinner?"

I glanced down at the clock in the car. I was still nearly 45 minutes away from home. "Uh, I'm not feeling too well. I would really like to stay in tonight. I'm sorry to change plans on you so last minute."

"It's okay. I'll cancel our reservations and order take away."

"Thanks babe. I love you."

"Love you too."

When I hung up, I noticed how tightly I was gripping the steering wheel. I let out a big frustrated sigh and relaxed my grip. This operation was supposed to be a relationship saver. What would be the point of going through all this trouble if our relationships blew up in our faces?

I couldn't do it. Not now. I didn't have the strength in me to face Joe when I got home. Just as I thought this, I drove past a bustling pub. One drink couldn't hurt. I pulled off the road into the gravel car park. Luckily, I was dressed casually enough today that I didn't think I'd have any problems fitting in.

Since it was evening, the lighting inside cast a dim golden glow. I felt cozy in here with the dark wood furniture and the upholstered benches. It was quite noisy with people trying to talk over each other, cracking jokes, and downing drinks. The noise distracted me from my thoughts.

"American?" The bartender asked as I approached the bar for a shot.

"Yup." I grabbed the tiny glass from the bar and drank it quickly. It only took me a few seconds before deciding to take another one.

A new mental numbness came over me. Within an hour, I had consumed too much alcohol to drive home safely. Knowing this, I took out my phone to call my boyfriend.

He picked up on the first ring. "Taylor? I thought you'd be home by now. Wait," Joe paused. He must have heard all the background noise. "Where are you exactly?"

"I'm out," I replied being unhelpful.

"Out where?"

"I dunno. A pub I saw on my way back. I'm drunk," I giggled.

I heard Joe curse me out on the other end of the line even though he tried to cover the receiver. "Okay, please stay where you are. I'm coming to get you."

"Okay." After hanging up with Joe, my most recent call list popped up on my screen. I apparently had two unreturned calls. The first was James and the second was Karlie. I should call them before I forget.

I clicked on James' number and waited for him to pick up. The noise level in the pub had nearly doubled by the time my call went through. A robotic voice answered and instructed me to leave a message. As soon as I heard the beep, I began to leave my message.

James! I practically yelled into the phone. Was I angry or excited? I couldn't tell. It's Taylor. I forget why I'm calling you. I'm in London. I saw Natalie today, and I'll let you know that she is a good person. You can stop wasting your resources on her. You and all the idiots at the agency spend so much time chasing your tails because you don't get to know the sources past their file. You don't even know me, and I've worked for you for over a decade now. I've done nearly everything you've asked, and it's still not enough. It'll never be enough. I'm sick of being used. I am done being your puppet. You're a piece of shit you know that? You sit on your fat ass at your desk in your secure little office telling all of us what to do because you don't have the balls to do it yourself. You and everyone else at the agency can fuck off. With that, I angrily hung up. 

Right when I hung up, Joe walked into the pub. I didn't have time to call Karlie. He did not look thrilled to be here, but he looked cute in his loose jeans and white t-shirt. His eyes scanned the room until they landed on me at the bar. Forcing his way through groups of people, he made his way to me. Joe rested his hand on my shoulder to try and guide me out of the crowded pub. "Taylor, come on. Let's get you home before anyone recognizes you."

In a slur of words I tried to say, "I don't want to go home."

"We need to get you home," he said in a tone that meant we would not be debating the issue any further. 

Sweet Joe helped me as I stumbled through the gravel lot. As we approached his car in the dark I asked, "Can I tell you a secret?" Without waiting for a response I told him, "you have a daughter."