Dipshits in Space: Seasoru 7

72: Relative War

"Greg, we have essentially Infinite money. We can literally print money or gold if we want. Why are the dipshits still poor, and why don't we just give them a shitload of money? Just enough for a new ship that doesn't suck, enough for comfortable living off interest and enough to cover medical expenses and food?" Izzy asked.

"Because for one, Duffy and Marley don't want our handout. They want to be independent and not rely on Daddy's trust fund. I've offered."

"Did you have to refer to yourself as Daddy?"

"I regret that choice now, did sound pretty weird and disturbingly sexual. Still not as bad as when that Pizza guy refers to himself as big-pappa sausage. I'm not a poet Izzy, I word things poorly sometimes. Duffy doesn't want a handout in life, and Marley is content with drifting in space and the occasional gift of weed or video games, they want to earn their money and be proud of it."

"I really don't believe that Lawg would turn down money."

"Lawg wouldn't, but I don't like him and I don't want to give him money, so the other two overrule that. And I AM paying for their medical, they just don't know it. Remember last week when they applied for health insurance with Blue-Emerald Healthcare?"

"You made that up didn't you?"

"Of course I did, what the Hell is a Blue-Emerald? I pulled that out of thin air when the first 6 good names were already taken and I was impatiently drunk and sick of thinking up good names."

"That explains why they don't cover medicinal alcohol for Chafee, except Submarine Canadian Gin...You made that brand up too, didn't you?"

"Oh yea, that shit is terrible but it'll keep him alive. Comes in 3 flavors, Watermelon, Banana-Beef,...and Wood. Every store is always out of Watermelon ...modestly because I don't even make it. The company is actually taking a loss every month just to keep that prank running. It's because I care, Izzy...because I care."

"So this game show thing, I'm guessing it's just a rigged game to allow them to win survival money without knowing you are just essentially giving them money?"

"Izzy, it's not rigged, it's just intentionally easy. Lawg can screw up buttering bread, so if they lose, it's still funny and they blame Lawg. If they win, they get money. It also really strains his luck-reflex and it's great for the research. This is half science and half good-clean-fun. I barely even bribed the directors."

"Why not just rig it so they win a million dollars and be done with it?"

"Do you want us to get canceled? Because that's how you get canceled, Izzy! Give the main characters a life-changing amount of win-money and remove all reason to go on dangerous and entertaining adventures. It's like you want us to get canceled or something." Greg scoffed.

"Fine. But I don't like it, and Menace get's to play too." she said, crossing her arms.

"Or what?" Greg scoffed.

"Probably domestic violence, but since I'm a girl, instead of it being sad, it will be comical for some reason. I don't make the rules, but since I have a vagina, I can get away with assaulting you if you don't let Menace play."

"Hard to argue with that illogical point. They only think it's funny because men should be able to defend themselves as the slightly larger gender."

"No, you can't say that. Men and women are equal now and gender doesn't exist, unless it benefits the women, then it does, and it's okay."