Anxiety. [LT AU] I

» 08.

 dinner was so awkward. i picked at my food just like everyone did except vivian and steve. i felt highly uncomfortable with ashleigh glaring at me every now and again, and also the fact i was sitting next to hayden. i was dreading thinking he was sociable, like all 'jocks'. sadly, i was correct.

"so louis, have you always been at my school?" i gulped and nodded my head in response but not looking up into his brown eyes. "oh, wow. that's weird because i never really see you. who do you hang out with?" that's awkward isn' it. i didn't know he existed, and he didn't know me.

i take another deep gulp and look down at the peas on my plate, moving them about, "no-noone."

silence filled the air for a few seconds. the hayden nodded his head slowly in response. it's alright for him, he has it all. the looks, the brains, popularity.

"wow. um, cool." he replies awkwardly and for the rest of the meal nobody talks; ashleigh continues to glare at me though. gosh, i talked once didn't i? isn't that enough - gosh.

i cannot be perfect.

i look across the table to vivian who gives me a reassuring smile which warms my heart. at least she is understanding, then again it's part of her job to deal with cases like me. that reminds me, i need to confront them because of my reassure into my mother's coma. well, that'll start world war three. lovely. i'll be homeless  after that happens. wonderful.

bracing myself.

+++

he took another two hours after dinner to leave, and it was so hard to pretend to be interested in his long ass life story about his love for sports but how he found he had a passion for drama too. my mother used to always say i was good at acting stuff out, but was far too scared to do things in front of her anyway.

"bye babe, i'll see you in the morning." then they kissed outside my bedroom window. i almost opened it just to barf out on them. that'll be a nice surprise.

i don't know why i'm even feeling like this. it's so irritating.

i can't believe hayden can comfortably waltz in and steal everyone's heart. i bet he'll break it. he does seem the sensitive sort as well though. hmm.

he's everything a girl could ever ask for anyway.

they looked happy together. was i happy, because she was happy? or was i sad because she was happy, due to someone who wasn't me. i knew i couldn't make her happy like in my dreams, mainly because i'm too shy. this anxiety really is destroying me.

i watch her wrap her arms around his neck and his arms go around her slim waist, and they hold those position for what feels like forever. sure it's cute and whatever but. i don't know.

i'm gonna date one girl and girl name is education. excellent.

sounds like a plan.

++

that night i couldn't sleep. my mind was on the idea that ashleigh's thoughts were consisting of hayden. i wonder if she really likes him, maybe on the verge of loving him. i wonder what it's like to be in love. i don't know if i'm ready for it. it's not like in school, when you can prepare for things by revising in advance. it honestly sucked so hard real life situations. school doesn't prepare us for heart break. it should though. we should be taught how to deal with it and not let us slowly die because of it.

luckily some people are naturally strong minded. they can take it. they can take their husband walking out on them and their messed in the head, overly shy, overly scared little boy. and then to find out that he killed himself?