The Woman With The Headscarf

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Four hours later, it was all over and done with. Lamees sat in the waiting room of the clinic, waiting for her mother to finish talking to the doctor.

The procedure had been much faster than she had expected. If anything, it had taken much more time filling out the forms and meeting with doctors than it had for the actual abortion. They had given her medication for the pain and cramps afterwards and Lamees felt lightheaded the whole time she'd been there in the clinic.

She was glad that her mother was there with her because she didn't know if she would've been able to go through this by herself.

Her mother came into the waiting room and held her in her arms, patting her back. "Itz all over now. You can rest."

Lamees closed her eyes, recalling when the doctor had asked her if she was sure about the abortion, in the meeting and she had nodded. She was hesitant, but she knew that her mother was right about this, that she'd been through so much trauma recently, and she wouldn't be able to dedicate a 100% of her time and love to it. It wasn't the right time.

So she'd gone through with it in the end, but for some reason, she couldn't ignore that little twinge of guilt pressing heavily onto her. She'd asked her mother earlier, tears in her eyes, if the guilt ever goes away and her mother sadly smiled at her. "Yez and no. Sometimes you know you did de right thing, other times, your heart questions it, you know?"

There were no words between them now as her mother helped her up and they both made their way to the car parked outside. It was a silent drive back home and Lamees went straight up to her room, not coming out for the entirety of the night.

She wasn't sure if her mother had told her father everything, and frankly speaking, she was too mentally exhausted to care at this point. The doctor had already warned her about feeling this way; saying that it can take some time feeling like you're back to normal again, and that this was normal behaviour for most women undergoing an abortion.

He had referred some counsellors to them, even suggesting online counselling if Lamees didn't feel comfortable enough with a face to face session, and all she had managed to mumble out was, "Okay, I'll think about it."

Because thinking of counsellors reminded her of therapists and therapists reminded her of Gunner's mom, who in turn reminded her of the one person always on her mind. Gunner. She still hadn't said anything about him to her mother and the weight of all the secrets was getting to her.

She sunk into the pillows on her bed and started to weep, her breath hot as she buried her face further into them. She just wanted it all to stop because she was tired of constantly hiding this, of constantly questioning if a future was even possible for her and Gunner.

She just couldn't keep on doing this with him, meeting him in secret, hiding from her parents and everyone who knew her, straining her already strained relationship with him even more. It wasn't fair to him, and he didn't understand all of her religious reasons for doing so but he nonetheless, never argued or complained. Instead, he hid the relationship from his parents as well and so, they had both become partners in this crime.

Lamees hated herself for doing this to him, for making him do those things, just because he wanted to spend more time with her and because he loved her. And she loved him. It was because of that she plunged further and further down this abyss, where she didn't know what the ending was, but as long as she could have Gunner in her present, she put the future on a shelf, tucked away. She didn't want to think about it, afraid it might reveal an unpleasant future or at least one that didn't involve Gunner.

He'd been a part of her life for a couple of years and somehow, she had put him into every picture she ever painted in her mind — her future, a life together with him, growing old with him and watching his eyes open first thing in the morning and watching those green gems disappear as he faded to sleep.

She'd spent so much time building up this beautiful bubble inside her head, but ignored reality, shrugging it away, hoping she wouldn't have to deal with it ever.

And meanwhile, Gunner had been doing the same thing. Dreaming of his own future and building a life around Lamees, while ignoring the signs and the red flags, because the present was enough. The present included her in the picture and what could be better than this? Wouldn't this be enough and wouldn't this last? How could it not last?

After all, love conquers all, doesn't it?

Lamees raised her head from her pillow, sniffing, with tears all across her face.

Doesn't it?

A little voice seemed to whisper in her mind, spreading fear and doubt. Love doesn't conquer all but it was cruel that she had to learn this the hard way.

She never stopped crying that night, finally being brought face to face with reality. Gunner couldn't be a part of her future, no matter how much she or he wanted it.