Worst Nightmare

21

"That day was and still remains the darkest day of my life."

F.A.B

I slammed my door shut as soon as I got into my apartment, I was furious, I was mad.

So this is how anger feels like?

How can you say you want to change me?

I need to calm down.

But why will he tell me that? Is it a bad thing to be the way I am? Is it horrible to be exactly like this? This is why I don't want to be with people, why I don't like relating with people, you'll be left broken...beyond repair.

I can't risk that again.

I dropped my bag on the floor and walked into my room and flopped on my bed, resting my head on the pillow then I felt something hard under it, I lifted the pillow and saw a box of chocolates right under with a folded note on it, I opened the note and it read;

"Don't be angry poppy, it's not good for your beauty and besides your happiness is what matters most, don't let anger settle in, you're a beautiful flower...you're my poppy."

Okay this is definitely from a boy, and this is the sweetest thing I've ever read, but it definitely can't be from Gloom.

Gloom.

The thought of his name makes me even more angry, so I opened the box of chocolates and eyed it conspicuously, well, since I ate the cookies and nothing happened, and this hasn't been opened before, so I think I'm good. I took one out and ate it...oh the bliss of cocoa uplifted my spirits, but even the taste of this chocolate was not enough to make me forget what happened today. I groaned at the reminder and closed the box and went to keep it in my fridge. Needing to get rid of the anger in my blood, I grabbed my stress ball and tried to squeeze the life out of it, but it's a squishy stress ball, so it won't burst it'll just squeeze, then when I release it, it'll return to the way it was before.

This isn't working.

I took my phone and played Jon Bellion's "Dead Man Walking" then "An Immigrant," then "All Time Low." I've never listen to his "Hand of God" I don't want to hear it. I don't know how it happened but my blood went cold, I didn't feel the anger again, but it didn't leave my mind. It has been decided that I won't try to talk to Gloom...he's nothing but bad news.

So I took out my paintings and continued to put my initials on them.

O.F.M.

When I'm in private...it's difficult for me to contain myself especially if I have nothing to do, the thing is, no matter how hard I try to forget about it, it envelopes me and threatens to suffocate me. When I'm alone I have what I call "episodes"...moments where all I can see is red and nothing else...moments where the reality of it all gnaws at me and rushes at me like a hungry lion...that is why anytime I'm alone, I make sure not to be idle, but it's difficult especially if you're lazy like me or if you keep doing things at your free hours so it seems you're completely free and have nothing at all to do when you're alone.

I'm always alone anyway.

I looked at my charm bracelet and felt a huge wave of emotions, that wasn't pleasant, not even in the slightest, but what can I do? I have to live with the reality, the bitter and harsh reality that keeps rushing at every artery of my heart.

It's supposed to make me pained, extra pained, but really, I'm so used to this harsh reality that I don't feel pain anymore in anyway and it's a waste of time for me to think of pain, but I do know that if I eventually get out of this (not the reality, it's part of me forever), it'll bring in a huge wave of emotions, including pain. I just can't stop the transition, I can only delay it, I'm not ready to tackle it headlong...so...I'll deal with it bit by bit, being careful enough not to let it hit me hard, I'll open the door to a new period of my life slowly, as slow as a snail moves.

I dropped my hand pulling my eyes away from the bracelet, even though it reminds me of the trauma, I just can't stop using it, it might be a reminder, but I just can't let it be useless, it is way too special to me to be dropped at home, or to be given out, it's dear to my heart, too too dear.

One huge problem I have now is facing Gloom tomorrow, I know he'll race at me for forgiveness...oh wait...he doesn't apologize, whatever. One more thing, how the hell did "secret admirer" know I was angry?

Next day.

I walked into class and tried my best to avoid eye contact with Gloom or Chatterbox, and making sure it stayed that way, so I sat at the end of the class as usual. But I doubt it would stay that way after the class.

And it didn't...

"Bat eyes, wait!" I heard Gloom plead as I left the class, gosh, he needs to stop calling me that and especially in public. But I didn't wait so he ran and blocked the way ahead of me, well, there are other stairs here, so I turned around and walked towards the other stairs but he grabbed my hand and made me face him, I looked into those smokey black eyes, but quicky looked away for fear of feeling pity for him or being hypnotized.

"I didn't mean it that way yesterday," he began, but I kept looking away.

"Please baty...give me a chance to explain."

"Explain!" I spat.

"I..." He started then trailed off, but picked up quickly, "I want you to see the world differently, I don't know what caused you to be broken but I want to give you a different lens to see to world, this might take a lot of time but I want you to trust me"

Trust?

"I can't trust you"

"Why?"

"I don't trust anyone or anything, neither do I believe in anything. I can't even let you do this."

"Let me try bat eyes"

"Try, but it won't make any difference"

"It would..."

"Excuse me"

"I'm Bryant by the way"

I sighed and replied;

"Your name won't make any difference I'll still call you Gloom..."

"Yeah, but just know it"

"Fine..."

"Your name? I know your real name so don't try lying about it."

"I'm Fiyinfoluwa, now excuse me"

"Chill" he blocked me again and I asked;

"What now Gloom?"

"I do not guarantee that I won't stop taunting you."

" I never said I would, good bye you're exhausting me..."

"That is my pleasure bat eyes."

I walked away not wanting to hear the rest of his rant, but I feel like things are going to change. Like things are going to be different very soon.

Very different.