Barely A Memory

Chapter 22

Not shockingly, hours later, as Stefan was motionless and nestled against her with his arms around her and his breath steady on her shoulder, Elena could not find solace in sleep.

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The sun was barely beginning to rise when Elena looked over at the clock. They'd been brought back from the vampires' kidnapping at around five am yesterday, meaning that the link had probably started to break around four or four thirty. It was now five thirty. Twenty four hours had passed. That uncomfortable pain in her chest had now been replaced by a hollow sensation in her chest. Fearing what her reaction would be, Elena turned her body around and turned to Stefan, who was still fast asleep. His arms were still around her, and he seemed to be smiling just a bit. She wondered what he was dreaming about. She still loved him. God, how she still loved him. She loved him no less than she had yesterday.

Elena couldn't help but sigh out in relief. That relief, however, was short lived. She knew, after all, what she had to do now. It was time to go. Just when she began to turn and crawl out of bed to find some clothes to change into, Stefan stirred a bit. Mentally cursing herself, Elena turned back to him, meeting his sleepy eyes. He was out of it and half asleep, for sure, but this surely would be the moment of truth. Did he still love her like she loved him? "You're beautiful," he murmured, just like he did every morning, too hazy from sleep to realize just how significant this morning actually was to the both of them. Elena swallowed and closed her eyes, already feeling fresh tears filling her eyes. He loved her. He loved her just as he always had.

She reached over and ran her thumb along his bottom lip. She knew very well, from previous experience with a half asleep Stefan, that he would have no recognition of this encounter when he woke up later in the morning. So, one last time, she told him that she loved him.

"Mmm, love y'more," he smiled, eyes already closed. Maybe he did.

And just like that, he was asleep again, snoring gently. Elena placed a subtle kiss against his unmoving lips one last time. "Goodbye, Stefan," she whispered. And as soon as she untangled herself from his limbs, she found that leaving that bed was the hardest thing she'd ever done in her life. Who knew when she'd be back in that bed with him? Never was a sure possibility.

And so, as he slept, she sat at his desk and wrote a rushed letter. It was equally as hard as getting out of the bed. She had so much to say... So many possibilities. But she had to be quick and finish before Damon or Katherine awoke as well.

Stefan,

You're probably wondering where I am right now... If I'm downstairs looking for breakfast or if I've gone out. I'm sorry I have to tell you this through letter, but I've decided to leave town. I think it would be best for both of us. I don't know how long I'll be gone or if I'll ever be back, but please don't wait around for me. You need to move on. For me, please, will you move on?

I woke up this morning and a part of me seemed to be gone. When I looked over at you, I felt nothing. I'm not sure what this feeling is, but I do know one thing: the link is broken and I do not love you anymore.

The lies were rushing from the pen to the paper and she sure hoped her tears wouldn't stain the page too much. This, after all, was the only way to keep him from looking. So, she kept writing.

I hate that things had to end like this. I didn't want to face you this morning and tell you. Maybe it's easier this way. Now that I am out of your life, I want you to find happiness, I do. I don't know what I'll do now, but I do know one thing—my future does not lie with you and that will not change. I'm so sorry. You deserve so much more than I now have to offer. I hope you understand.

Please don't look for me. I do not wish to see you right now. The memories we've shared have been wonderful and I will carry them with me, but my attachment to you ends there. I need a fresh start. I'll call Jeremy and Bonnie tomorrow to say goodbye and explain myself. I assume you will inform Caroline and Damon.

Maybe we'll cross paths in the future. I sure hope you can move on like I have.

-Elena

She had to cover her mouth to keep her loud sobs from waking up Stefan and the rest of her house. She felt miserable, guilty, and horrible. She had to admit though, she was a bit relieved to know that she would not be present to see all the pain she would inevitably be putting Stefan through.

But oh, the idea of it filled her with so much pain. She loved him, wanted to scream it to the world right now and wake him up and write it all over her disgustingly false letter, but she didn't. Stefan's life depended on it. So, instead, she left it right on the desk and headed out of the room, closing the door behind her.

As soon as she was out of the Salvatore boarding house, Elena collapsed to the ground in a heap of hysterical sobs.

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A few hours later, Elena was in her car, just outside the state of New Jersey. Her tears seemed to have finally ceased, now replaced with an aching numbness that resonated through her entire body. She tried not to think about Stefan and the life she'd left behind, but every little thing seemed to be a reminder.

She wanted nothing more than to pick up the phone and call him. She was tempted, too. Maybe she could just call and listen to his voice, much like he once had when he'd left with Klaus. It didn't seem like such a bad idea. Yes, it was a horrible idea, but she was feeling guilty and was physically aching for him. She just needed to know if he was doing okay, that he hadn't done something foolish after reading her letter.

Elena hated herself for pulling over and turning her phone on. She knew she would have to deactivate this thing soon, but just for a few more days...

She was not surprised by the four missed calls from Stefan, though they did seem to only twist the knife in her heart. On top of that, she had one missed call from Damon, one from Jeremy, and one from Caroline, who had left a message about an hour earlier.

Elena didn't want to play the message, but she had to. She knew her friend was just going to scold her for leaving and, yes, Elena needed a good scolding, needed someone to yell at her and tell her that she was a horrible, heartless human being.

So, she pressed play. At first, she only heart rustling and what seemed to be muffled yelling, and much to her dismay, Elena soon realized Caroline hadn't meant to leave a message and had forgotten to hang up.

She was just getting ready to delete it, when she could hear the voices to the yelling. Caroline, definitely, and...

Stefan.

Dear god, she could hear Stefan incoherently yelling something while Caroline seemed to be trying to comfort him. This exchange went on for a few minutes, stopped, and then they picked it up again until the timer on the voicemail ran out. Hurriedly, Elena pressed play again, needing to discern his words.

She heard him say, "She's gone," a good five times, which took the oxygen from her lungs. Caroline was yelling at him to stop breaking things, and then there was a long silence between them, where Elena could hear nothing but heavy breathing. "Everything hurts," Stefan had said. "I can't move on. I can't... I can't breathe." At this point, Elena's hands were shaking so badly that she wasn't sure she would be able to start driving again. And then she heard Stefan say the one thing that broke her heart the most: "I wasn't enough." That was the last thing she could make out before the jumble of his and Caroline's voices blurred together into incoherency.

Elena clenched her teeth together and balled her fists, furiously hitting the steering wheel over and over again. She hated the vampires who had kidnapped them so much. She swore to herself that she would kill all of them before they had a chance to even snap their fingers. She hurt so much, felt so broken... She never wanted to love again.

"You were enough," she cried, wishing he could hear her. "You were enough."

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