Barely A Memory

Chapter 19

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He now knew what it felt like to love someone so wholly, so desperately and completely that his heart was no longer the thing pumping blood through his veins. It was her now: her every breath, her laughter, the scent of her shampoo. She became an embedded piece in his foundation, a single stone that when pulled out would bring the rest crumbling behind it. He'd jumped off of the cliff long ago for her; as soon as she looked up at him with those beautiful, brown doe eyes, he willingly jumped without even knowing he'd walked off the edge. He thought he would enjoy the ride. But now, loving her no longer simply felt like falling; he'd already fallen, and it was a known fact that he'd never hit the ground. No, her love was a hurricane, a winding, endless twister of raw emotion that chilled him to the bone. Loving her enthused him and terrified him at the same time. He didn't even know it was possible until she entered his universe and spun everything around until he was so dizzy that she was all he could see.

Stefan sighed and spread his legs across the concrete sidewalk, crossing them at the ankles. He turned his head to face their bed-and-breakfast's run-down pool. Despite the blinding darkness outside, he could tell by the moon's reflection on the surface of the water that it was green and murky. Letting out a deep breath, he reached beside him until he found a pebble and chucked it into the water. The moon's reflection rippled as he did so. Then, he looked up at the night sky and closed his eyes. "What would you do?" he whispered.

Linked. That seemed to be the one word that kept returning to his mind. He was linked to Elena. By coming back, he'd put her own life in danger. As they returned back to the small town after visiting Elysia that evening, Stefan could tell by Elena's wide eyes and bright smile that she viewed this as a gift. As if she couldn't bear the thought of living in a world where he did not exist. It should have made his heart race, but instead, it seemed to only fall with this realization.

She was the only girl for him. But sometimes he did not want to be the only guy for her.

He wished to god that he wasn't, because chances were, eventually he would be hunted down and killed. He was being hunted now by vicious, resentful vampires, and if he died and Elena was ripped from her world after a mere nineteen years...

No. He would not let that happen.

"Damn it, what would you do?" he said a little louder this time, frustrated. What would Stefan do? What would the Stefan that Elena loved do? From what he had heard, the man that he used to be was selfless, a martyr. But now, Stefan felt selfish. What a disappointment he must have become after returning from the dead! He wasn't ready to stop loving Elena; he wasn't ready to break the link.

I'm sorry, he thought to himself a long pause, staring back at the reflection of the moon on the dirty water. I'm sorry because you wanted to stay dead and now I'm here, taking your place. I'm not you. I don't know you, and sometimes I don't think I ever will. I don't know, maybe I don't want to. I'm a disgrace compared to you. She loved you. And now, she loves me. She loves me because she loves you, because she thinks you're in here somewhere. But I think she's wrong. I'm stealing from you. Sometimes I want to run away, change my name. I'm not Stefan, I'm not Stefan Salvatore. Not really. I wear your face but should not wear your name. I love her so much and I don't know why. Really, I hardly know her, only a month; I don't know her like you knew her. I suppose my love for her is a phantom of what you felt, huh? Unlike you, I'm selfish. I want to love her, I want to keep loving her, even when she realizes that you're long gone. I want to love her even if it means I'm putting her life at risk. Jesus. There's a part of you that stayed dead, isn't there? I'm nothing but your shadow. You're long gone. The part of you that wanted to stay dead stayed dead. You left me behind, and I'm broken.