Barely A Memory

Chapter 22

"Well? What's on your mind?" she pried. He was shutting her out; she very well knew that he was very good at this. She would not let him put his walls up, though. Not tonight.

He laughed, an unfilled, grim chuckle. "It doesn't really matter now, Elena, does it? What's done is done."

Feeling her anger rising, Elena clenched her fists and finally entered his room. "No. That answer's not good enough. Don't shut me out. You always shut me out!" As a response, he turned his head just to the side, so she was in his peripheral. "I know you don't remember, but you've spent the past one hundred and seventy years keeping people at arms' reach, and finally, when there's someone here who loves you and has poured her heart out to you time and time again and is apologizing for making a massive mistake, you still can't have the decency to give me eye contact? You can't have the decency to pour your heart out to me in return?" Her voice had reached a crescendo, her anger flooding her mouth with words of red, hot rage.

Now, he turned. And when he did, he moved so slowly, so calmly that it made Elena want to shrink into herself. She'd expected him to yell back at her, say something, fuel her fury... But no, he simply turned and looked at her, disappointment evident in his tired, green eyes. It was worse than any shout from him could have been. "You think I haven't poured my heart out to you enough?"

No, that was not what she had meant to say. These past few months, he'd been so good at being open with her. He'd exposed his soul in so many ways, shown her new colors and depth and layers she didn't even know he had... That was not what she meant at all. "Stefan—"

"You want me to break down when it might not even matter tomorrow, Elena?" His voice was still calm, so chillingly calm. She knew he was anything but composed, though; his trembling fingertips were the main indication. His body trembled like that when he lost Lexi, when he spoke of losing Katherine, when he left her behind on that chilly night not so long ago to die in the woods...

Elena didn't quite know what to say. She just wanted to wrap her arms around him and never let go. She did not move, nor did she speak. She waited for him to keep talking.

"I don't blame you for breaking the link. I would have done the same thing if your life was at risk," he finally assured her, though it did not make her feel much better. His eyes burned into hers, replete with a chilling look of love and sadness and loss. There was no anger. Not like she'd expected. "I'm just so terrified that I'm going to wake up tomorrow and not feel like this. That you're not going to feel like this." He gestured to the empty space between them. "Once it's fully broken... I'm scared, Ele-."

Now, she understood. She completely understood, and oh, how it filled her entire body with despair and longing and... and before she even knew it, she was running to him, burying her face in his chest and inhaling his distinct, wonderful, perfect scent before he could even finish her name and she was weeping and holding him so tightly he probably couldn't breathe. And oh, she was so worried that he was going to push her away, although deep down, she knew he never would. No, he wrapped his arms right back around her, just as tight, his face in her hair. "I love you," he murmured. "I love you so much it hurts."

She knew the feeling. She hated it, loathed it to the core of her being. She despised how this already felt like a goodbye, an indefinite one for Stefan and a confirmed one for her. And as she pulled away from this embrace and looked into his eyes, she decided that this should be the moment at which she told him she had to leave, but as soon as she recognized the pain in his gaze, that pain which screamed that losing her was his biggest fear, she couldn't bring herself to do it.

Please, she thought, willing for him to hear these silent words and obey to them, somehow. When you wake up tomorrow, please don't be in love with me.