Barely A Memory

Chapter 16

He said nothing. When she glanced over at him, there was an overwhelming expression of sadness across his face. At first, Elena thought she had upset him by displaying Katherine in a new light, but then, she recognized another expression. He knew. He knew very well just what Katherine was capable of.

"What's that look for?" she asked, her voice much, much softer now. She almost wanted to reach out and touch him, caress his arm or even the back of his hand, but she thought that maybe he would break if she did. Or maybe she would. They had both been worn so thin at this point, that it was just a matter of time before they both shattered.

Stefan kept his mouth shut, but his expression remained.

"You know that Katherine is a bad person," Elena observed. "That's why you're paying all of this attention to her, isn't it?"

Nothing.

"You're trying to make yourself feel something for her."

Stefan's fingers twitched and he clenched his jaw, a sign that she had struck a chord with him. When Stefan was overwhelmed, he always clenched his jaw. "But why?"

He looked down at his lap, and Elena patiently waited for a response. She knew she'd get one eventually. "Katherine is...," he started slowly, unsure as he tried to put his thoughts into words. "You're right. She's not good. But I'm not good, either."

Elena's heart fell as she recalled his words from last night. "You're not a monster, Stefan..."

He didn't hear her, not really. "You're good, Elena. You deserve someone good."

She both wanted to both hug him and slap him at the same time. How could he think that he didn't deserve her? "I'm far from good, Stefan. You don't even know half of it. I don't know what you remember, Stefan, but the person you were, the things you once did... you've redeemed yourse—"

He finally turned and met her gaze with intense, piercing eye-contact. "I bit you, Elena. You. Of all people. And I loved you. I killed a lot of people, too –I remember every kill-, but I didn't have any emotional attachment to them. I bit you and I laughed. Laughed."

Elena closed her eyes tightly, feeling hot tears beginning to pool. Every kill? How was he even coherent right now? She didn't know if she would have been able to even stand with that sudden rush of memories. Every time he closed his eyes, he must have recalled yet another lost life, recalled the way she screamed when he attacked. And this just wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that he had to suffer again; he didn't deserve it. Stefan didn't get to hate himself again; he didn't get to loathe his existence again. This wasn't supposed to happen.

He took her silence as evidence to his argument. "You're too good for me, Elena."

Now, she opened her spilling, watery eyes and glared at him harshly. "I'm too good for you? Are you kidding me right now?" She ran her hands along her face. "I slept with your brother the day after I broke up with you. The goddamn next day."

Stefan turned to face her, his eyes filling with confusion. "What did I do to you?" That sounded... so unlike her. "Did I hurt you?"

"No!" she shouted, shaking her head violently. "You didn't do a damn thing except love me, and what did I do in return? I threw it away. I didn't even care, too. Not really." The tears were streaming down her face now. There were far too many things rushing through Stefan's mind at this moment. Of course Elena did this to him; after all, he never really had deserved her. Then, he felt sad because she was sad; she didn't need to be sad. Then, the worst of all, he felt... betrayed, angry. Deep in his chest, his heart felt heavy. He felt heavy with the sense that he hadn't been good enough for her, never would be. But all along, he knew that, didn't he?