Barely A Memory

Chapter 10

"Ugh! Like I said, you're an idiot." Caroline's voice was so high that he winced a bit. Nonetheless, he couldn't help but crack a little smile from the passion in her voice at a topic that did not affect her own life at all.

"Why am I an idiot exactly?"

"Do you know why Elena was even coming over to your house in the first place?"

There was a long pause.

"No," Stefan replied honestly.

Caroline huffed on the other end. "She broke up with Damon! She was going to come over and talk things out with you, Stefan. She wanted to make things work because she's clearly crazy about you, and even if you won't admit it, you're crazy about her."

Stefan opened his eyes. What? Had he just heard that right? Elena had broken up with Damon to be with him. Elena wanted to try things out between the two of them. "Elena Gilbert?" Something inside of his chest leaped, and his hand flew over the location; his heart was pounding erratically.

"Yes, dummy! Elena Gilbert!"

He couldn't stop the smile from curling onto his lips. So what he was feeling for Elena wasn't just gratitude. She felt their chemistry too. She felt for him what he felt for her, and maybe, just maybe, she was just as confused as he was about it. They could figure it out though. They could figure it all out. She wanted to figure it out.

And just then, he heard footsteps coming up the stairs, and once again, that flying feeling returned to his chest. "Yeah, Caroline, I'm going to have to call you back."

He quickly hung up and watched the door as the sound of Elena's sneakers against the hardwood floor came closer and closer. Suddenly feeling nervous, Stefan brushed his sweaty palms against his jeans, looking down. Damn it! He still had the torn shirt on. As the Elena's steps came even closer, he quickly rushed to his drawer, threw the shirt off, and fumbled to put a sweatshirt on. When she arrived in the doorway, Stefan was putting his final arm into the final sleeve, and he let out a sigh of relief... until she saw her face. For a moment, she looked annoyed and distraught and angry, but when she caught a glimpse of him, Elena brought her hand to her mouth and began to laugh.

"What?" he questioned, confused. She had to bite her lip. Unable to contain her laughter, she gestured to his sweatshirt, so he looked down. Dear god. He had the sweatshirt on backwards. Of course he had the sweatshirt on backwards! Bashfully, Stefan averted his gaze and pulled his arms back in, swinging it around.

"Do you need a reminder on how to put on clothes?" she chuckled, taking a step closer to help him spin it around. Stefan swallowed, standing a little straighter in an attempt to look strong and independent for her. "Do you even have anything on underneath this?"

"Um... no," he admitted, looking at the floor.

Elena snickered, shaking her head a bit. "Maybe you do need a lesson. Here..." She stepped past him to the second drawer on the right –she knew exactly where Stefan kept his comfy shirts—and tossed him one of his white tank tops. Stefan laughed to himself and turned around, pulling the heavy sweatshirt over his head.

Elena was about to ask him about his day with Katherine, but was momentarily distracted by the smooth curves of his back. It was stupid, she knew, but she missed simple moments like these, when he'd change into something more comfortable and she would just be able to watch him and stare all she wanted. She missed Stefan; she missed the memories they had made. Now that he knew nothing about them, they almost seemed like a dream. "Stefan, why did you call Katherine?" She finally got out the words that had been nagging at her all night, although she knew the answer.

"I thought she was the girl from my dream," he replied curtly, not turning in her direction. He began to fiddle with drawers and fold clothes that were already folded. Elena waited for him to elaborate. "Maybe she was, I don't know. I guess it was all just kind of..."

"Overwhelming?" she offered.

"No." He turned to look at her. "Underwhelming. It was underwhelming." Letting out a long breath, Stefan took a seat beside Elena, staring straight ahead. "Was I stupid to think that all of the feelings would come rushing back? I mean, maybe they're there and we just have to uncover them. I don't know; I mean, I could try and make things work with Katherine, but suddenly I just feel so tired I didn't think that you..." He cut himself off, not quite ready to mention his knowledge of Elena's feelings for him, not after what he had done with Katherine today. So, instead, he buried his face in his hands. "God, I'm just so tired of feeling like this."

Elena looked at him sadly, her eyes welling with tears. She wanted so badly to help him, but she didn't even know where to begin anymore. She was tired, too. "Feeling like what, Stefan?"

"Like something's missing!" he snapped, throwing his hands in the air. "Like I'm empty. Honestly, Elena, I feel hollow inside, and it's been there ever since I woke up. And no matter how hard I try, no matter how often I dream of this girl and hope to find her, it's still there, and it keeps getting worse and worse and I feel like I'm just caving in more and more every day. And I'm starting to think that maybe love isn't... that love isn't this panaceathat I've been looking for. Who am I kidding?" He laughed humorlessly. Shaking his head, lips trembling and eyelashes wet with tears, Stefan stood up and began to pace. "She left, Elena. Whoever the girl was, she didn't love me enough to stay. She left and because of that, I'm empty. I can hold onto the things I felt in that dream all I want and hope to find her, but let's look around: she's not here. And I've been lying to myself for so long, but you know what? I think that I'm starting to get it. I'm starting to understand the world we live in. It's not a fairy tale. You're right. True love is complicated, and it's messy, and it's incredible but it doesn't exist."

His back was away from her now, his shoulders shaking as his body wracked with uncontrollable sobs. Elena closed her own eyes, trying desperately to hide the fact that tears were streaming down her own face. Once again, Stefan was broken and it was her fault. All she was doing was hurting him. Stefan was right; true love was messy and complicated, but it did exist. Her aching chest was proof of that. His miserable demeanor was proof as well. "Stefan," she breathed.

He hit the top of his drawer roughly, and something fell and shattered. Elena jumped. She half expected him to break something else, but he slowly pressed his head against the wood of the dresser, breathing in and out heavily. "How do you do it?"

Elena swallowed. "Do what?"

"Everything." He gave that halfhearted chuckle again, and it broke Elena's heart. Stefan turned around and looked at her, as vulnerable as she'd ever seen him. "You're empty too. I see it in your eyes." He stepped closer and slowly approached her, placing the Vervain pendant that rested over her chest in his palm. Elena held her breath. "How do you find a reason to wake up every day knowing that he's gone?"

She was breaking. This was all too much and not enough. Elena wanted to tell him everything right then and there, but she restrained herself. She would tell him that he'd died later, that they were once in love until cruel fate tore them apart. He didn't deserve to hear that tonight. She wanted a fresh start just as he did. Stefan did not wish to remember his past; he wanted a new one. "I guess," She trembled. "I'm just hoping that someone will come around and make me feel a little less empty."

He continued to trace his thumb along the intricate design of the pendant. "Do you think it'll happen?" His green eyes flicked up to meet hers.

"Yeah," Elena answered honestly. Hesitantly, she once again threw gasoline into the fire and brought her hand up to the side of his face. She was done fighting this blazing chemistry that they shared; it was causing more harm than good. And so, just tonight, for just a moment, she needed to give in, for Stefan's sanity, for her own sanity. So, she took a leap of faith, closed her eyes, and gently tilted his head down until his lips met hers.

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