Barely A Memory

Chapter 4

He didn't respond.

"You saw me grieving, you saw me wishing that I could apologize to him... and you were here, planning how to get him back? Why would you not tell me, Damon?" Her fists were clenched; she was so tempted to slap him.

Finally, Damon responded. "I knew you'd waste all of your time figuring out what you were going to say. It'd only be a matter of time before I lost you to a dead man, Elena!"

She gave him a look, a deadly look that shook him to the core. "Yeah? Well now, you did." And with that, she slammed the door behind her and walked into the hallway, trying to calm herself as she thought of what to say to the Salvatore she hadn't seen –hadn't really seen—in over a year.

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After looking through his drawers for what felt like an eternity, Stefan decided on wearing a white tank top and black sweatpants. They didn't feel particularly familiar, but they looked comfortable, so he decided to put them on anyways.

He was shuffling through a drawer full of shampoo and hair gel when he heard the door to his room open. "Good news!" he chuckled to himself. "Either I remember how to take a shower, or it's something that comes naturally to me."

When she laughed, he jumped a little and turned, his eyes wide. "Oh, I'm sorry," he stuttered. "I thought you were Caroline. But then again, she left about an hour ago. Wow, that sounded really rude. I'm sorry; it's not that I wish you were Caroline, I just—sorry. Elena, right?"

Elena nodded slowly, telling herself over and over to stay composed. "Yeah, that's me." She forced out a smile, awkwardly remaining at the door. "You seem frazzled," she observed.

"I have no clue who I am." He threw a container of hair gel on the floor and sat back on his bed, before surrendering to his slack muscles and flopping down on the comforter completely. "This doesn't even feel like it's my room. I feel like I'm invading the old Stefan's personal space."

She frowned at that, suddenly feeling selfish for the way she acted earlier. She was so upset over the fact that Stefan didn't remember her, but there he was, looking into everyone's unfamiliar eyes. Finally, she stepped inside. "It's your room. You'll remember eventually."

"I suppose," he sighed, closing his eyes. "What if I don't?"

"Then..." After a moment of hesitation, Elena sat on the edge of Stefan's bed, far away from him. "It'll be okay, right? You'll still be surrounded by people who love you. You've got a brother, and a friend..." And then there's me. There's me, who you used to love but really never should have. Here I am, privileged with loving you even though I'm the last person who deserves to. Elena didn't say these words, because she didn't know what she was supposed to be to Stefan now. "And in time, I'm sure you'll figure out how to love us, too." Or them, at least.

Stefan smiled, but Elena knew that look; that was the grin he gave when he was lonely, when he felt completely and utterly lost. She'd seen it plenty of times. "I should probably figure out who I am first."

"Me too," she agreed. Her words made Stefan turn and look at her, confusion flickering in his emerald eyes. "I have nineteen years of memories, Stefan, and I still don't know who I am. I've done things, bad things, and here I was so hopeful when I heard you were back. You won't appreciate this now, but I was going to try and make things right between us, because they'd gotten so screwed up."

Stefan sighed, looking at the ceiling. He wished this moment should have been meaningful, and she knew it, too. That was enough for Elena. She would take what she could get. "We were in an argument?" he questioned. "Was it like in-law animosity?" His attempt at a joke made Elena wince. He had no idea just how close that was.

"In a way," she replied curtly. "But we were close, if you were wondering. I don't know if it really matters anyway, but you mean a lot to me. I just kind of forgot that."

He gave her a reassuring smile, and Elena couldn't help but feel a little guilty. Stefan felt like he should have been comforting her, when in reality, she had been the one to completely ruin him. "If I could just take everything back, I would have. You were, um, a good... friend... to me, and I kind of threw that away. I needed to figure out who I was, not who I thought I was. I guess I still kind of do."

Then, with a little nudge, Stefan spoke, and he almost reminded her of the person he had once been. "We'll start over together, you and me."

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