dreams

𝐞𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐡 𝐧𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭

the text that i received from him instantly put me on edge .  something was very off about his message .  what is he trying to say by saying ' goodbye ' ?  he can ' t be moving to another country ,  can he ?  if he is then why didn ' t he tell me ?  either ways i ran to his apartment ,  trying to find him in an attempt to get him to explain what was going on .

i fumbled with the keys to his door since he gave me a spare set ,  just in case something goes wrong .  usually i would knock but this is not the time for that .  i burst into the apartment ,  funding the area rather quiet other than the sound of my own breathing .  he was not here .  i slowly crept to his room ,  figuring that he might be there since it was technically his favourite place in the world .  what i saw next was what really shocked me .

he was at the balcony , holding on to the railings . the sound of me opening the door must have caught his attention as he slowly turned to face me with tears streaming down his cheeks .

" what happened ? " was the first thing i found myself saying , still in shock . no , he can ' t be thinking of that , right ? " i ' m sorry . i wasn ' t good enough for you .  you will only suffer ... because of me . "  he bitterly said ,  offering a weak smile .

" why ? "  i asked ,  my question coming out to sound almost like a whisper .  " i can ' t handle this anymore . "  he replied vaguely as more tears fell from the corner of his eyes .  i could feel my own tears slowly welling up ,  just the sight of him in a broken state was enough to being me to tears .

i stepped forward with the intention to stop him ,  stopping in my tracks when he pointed to his bedside table .  " please ,  read the letter after i ' m gone . "  he said ,  his voice wavering with emotion .  " i — "  i started before getting interrupted by a flick of his hand .  " i ' m sorry ,  baby .  i love you .  goodbye . "  he said ,  smiling one last time before throwing himself over the railings . 

i quickly rushed to the balcony ,  hoping that he survived the fall .  he didn ' t .  blood polled from his head as he was sprawled onto the street .  the many passers - by have by now gathered around the scene ,  talking in hushed whispers .  i retreated back into his room as i took the letter from his desk .  i can ' t believe it ,  he ' s now dead . 

the tears i have been holding in fell without me realising as i felt a sharp pain in my heart ,  squeezing it to a point where it almost rendered my ability to breathe .  he ' s dead .  he ' s gone ,  forever .  and it is all my fault .  if i was better ,  he wouldn ' t be gone .  if i did more ,  loved him more ,  he wouldn ' t be nothing more than a memory .  it was because i was not enough .  it was my fault .

a flurry of thoughts closed ,  i eventually surrendered to reality and broke down into tears .  i ' m sorry for not telling you my problems .  i ' m sorry for troubling you .  i ' m sorry for not being able to express myself properly .  i ' m sorry for not being enough ,  for not being able to make you happy .  i ' m sorry ...

for not being able to save you .

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