A Pinch of Cinnamon

It's Okay to be Sad

"You having to come here, find me like that. You have seen me at my worst more than anyone in my life and we just met. You shouldn't have to be caring for me constantly. I'm pathetic." I sigh. His eyes harden as he listens to me.

"Stop it. I never want to hear you talk down about yourself again. Do you understand me? You are not pathetic. Far from it. Everyone in the world has something else going on that they don't like telling others. It happens to everyone. It happened to me." I look up at him curiously.

"I was married." My heart sinks for a moment before focusing on the fact that he said was. "Everyone in my life, including my parents, didn't like her. They said she would act like an angel when I was around and then a conniving bitch when I was gone." He groans and rubs a hand down his face. I take his hand and squeeze it reassuringly. "I should have listened. Not only was she spending all our money on useless things, but she was also cheating on me too. The divorce was messy. She kept trying to bleed me for money. It opened my eyes that she truly never loved me." His eyes turn sad, a shuddered breath escapes him before he continues. "Then, I get a bill in the mail for a doctor's appointment. I haven't even told my parents this, but she was apparently pregnant." I gasp slightly as I watch Nick closely. He looks distraught. "She aborted it. I was devastated when I learned but honestly, I don't even know if it was mine or not." He smiles sadly. My heart aches for him. Seeing him with Jay, I know he would make an amazing father.

He shifts his body to sit up, leaning against the headboard. I sit up too so that I am cross-legged facing him. I grab his hand again, trying to give him the same comfort he gave me. He squeezed it tightly as he continued. "I fell into a routine of anger and sorrow. Anger against her and myself for letting this happen, ignoring the warnings. Sorrow for the child that may have been mine. Sorrow for the future I had imagined that now wouldn't happen. I started pushing my friends away and turned to drinking and being alone. Every night for a month, I would go home, have a few drinks, and fall asleep. I barely ate. I turned into a shell of who I was. I turned it around in the end, but it took a lot of effort and friends who refused to give up on me." I silently mused over what he just said. I would never have pictured him as the type to drink away his feelings. But I could certainly understand wanting to feel numb.

He tugged me closer to him until I was cuddled up against his chest again. "I may not understand what you went through, but I know how hard it can be to come out from under that shadow. You are not pathetic Spence. Everyone has times where they want to give up. The fact that you haven't, makes you so strong." I gaze up at him, not wanting to believe his words. I'm not strong. I left Jay to wallow in my own despair. I shake my head.

"I'm not strong. How am I strong when I have your mom take Jay while I lock myself in my room. How am I strong if I can't bring myself to do chores. All I could manage was chucking them food and water." I chuckle bitterly. I feel like such a failure.

"Baby, look at me." I raise my eyes to look at him. "You thought of Jay first. You knew you were struggling, and you didn't want him to see that. You didn't abandon him. You asked someone you trusted to watch him for you. As for the chores, you gave them food and water. They won't die from not having a clean stall for a day. You need to take time for yourself. You have been run ragged and its catching up to you. You don't have to do this alone anymore. I just.... wish you had come to me. You need to know; I will always be there when you call." The hurt in his eyes caused my body to burn in guilt. I didn't know what to say. It's not like I didn't want him to be near me. The complete opposite. I just didn't want him to see me like this and decide I wasn't worth his time.

He squeezes me close. "You know, when I moved back, I never expected to meet someone that would steal my heart right away." My heart sped up at his words. "You completely knocked me off my feet. But when Jay came into the picture...I don't know. It felt like I was complete. Like I had always been missing a piece of my soul, but I found it in you guys." I blink at him, not daring to move as he looks at me with such love in his eyes. "I had always wanted a family and being able to care for you both the past few days, made me feel like all the shit I went through was worth it. I felt like I was finally home."

I couldn't match those words. The love poured into them shook me. He really wanted us. The fact that he has included Jay in the whole thing meant so much. He wants us. I have to tell him how I feel.

The elated feeling in my chest makes me throw out all previous misconceptions I had. I don't give myself time to think before I'm rising to my knees and hovering over him. His eyes sparkle in surprise, but he doesn't speak. I grab his face in my hands and lean forward slowly. I wanted this; him. I may not be able to say beautiful words like him, but I can show him. My heart rate accelerates the closer we get.

Finally, after what felt like minutes, our lips connect. Sparks danced as they molded to each other perfectly. Nick's grip tightened on me and I could feel his heart racing from where our chests barely touched. We moved together slowly and sweetly. A kiss that I hoped would convey how I felt about him.

We sunk into each other continuing the slow, passionate kiss. Neither of us tried to deepen it, the pace was perfect for the heavy subject we were just on. All I could feel was love, devotion, maybe a little lust. I could feel a tear slip from my eyes from the intense connection between us and when it rolled down to our lips, Nick slowly drew back. The heat in his gaze made me blush. He leans in and kisses the tear from the corner of my mouth. His sweetness almost setting off a new wave of waterworks. I shudder as his breath fans my face.

"You are so beautiful." Nick murmurs as he cups my face. He leans in and places a chaste kiss on my lips. He tugs me back down to him and we arrange ourselves so that I'm cuddling on his chest again and his arms are wrapped around me. The comfort I get being in his arms is something I can't quite explain. I know I need to tell him my story, but I don't want this moment to end.

A/N

And we have the first kiss! Did anyone expect Spencer to make the first move? What did you think?