Sanity Journal

My Sexuality And Beliefs

Ever since I was a child, I have grown up in a God-fearing household. We had Bible studies every Sunday and we learned about a God that came to Earth to die for all of humanities sins. I had believed in this ever since I had the ability to somewhat comprehend what was being told to me. I am the youngest and I had a somewhat decent childhood. I know that other people go through way way worse than what I have. That is why I say somewhat, it is because I know and acknowledge that others suffer worse than me, but the events that happened to me still affected me. I was always the weird kid in school. My father when he would have a bad day would lash it out on my mother and my sisters and I by verbally abusing. It didn't happen often but when it did happen it got drilled into my mind. And when you are a 10 year old who just recently lost their beloved Papaw (grandpa) a outburst of your father shouting at you because you didn't think a decision all the way. Yes I admit he did apologise but it still affected me. It is drilled into me and no apology can erase it. I made a few good true friends that had my back. Some got me into trouble but they always found a way to get me out. I was a tomboy. I wore boys clothes I even walked like a boy. The only thing that probably made it somewhat obvious I was a girl was my hair. My parents made me have hair down to my butt. And let me tell you that hurts. It weighs so much that it leaves you with headaches not to be spoken of. Through all the smoke of my tomboyness my friends and things my father did occasionally, I knew that God was there. He didn't make those things happen and he didn't have those bad things end, but He was there helping me through it all. I could feel Him there giving me strength for the next day. Even when I would do things that I regretted and things I deserved, Jesus never left my side. But I didnt know Him. I knew of Him but I didn't get to KNOW Him. When I was in eighth grade, I accepted Jesus as my Lord and savior. I knew in my heart that I am a sinner, that I have done things that are wrong in His sight. I knew that God was the one and only true God. That none can take His place. I knew I had a penalty that only someone truly holy and sinless could pay for. I knew that Jesus was born of the virgin Mary and was born fully God and fully man and He was completely sinless. I knew Jesus suffered, bled, and died for my sins past, present, and future. That He, Jesus, the one and only Son of God had died on the cross to bear mine and the whole worlds sin entirely when He spoke " It is finished ". Jesus Christ died and rose three days later victorious over death. I believed this. I still do. I love Him with all my heart. He saved me from my sins and from my fractured body when I had my surgery as a baby.
After my spiritual rebirth and baptism, I was on fire with love. I even gave up the one thing I loved most over to Him. I gave up my tomboy lifestyle. I learned so many new things that didn't fully click until I became saved. One of the things is something that has been a hot topic for a while now. Homosexuality. This was something engrained into my head and something I thought and knew was wrong. The Bible says that it is wrong. My parents told me this and they showed verses to back it up. So I didn't question it. My parents said it and the Bible did too so it must be wrong, right? I had this mindset until high school. In highschool, I developed feelings without realizing it for another person of my gender. I was friends with her and she had came out a a few years prior as bisexual. I thought I just simply thought she was attractive nothing more. Then I started feeling weird around her, the kind of weird butterfly feeling that is given off when you have feelings for someone. I was scared but also excited. I mean I was friends with her and she all ready said she was bi so you know I have a good chance. So I told her and she was surprised but also somewhat excited. I was worried that she was going to say no and have things get awkward but it did and didn't happen. See the thoughts I had in my mind about homosexuality kept going and going and going. To where I hurt her over and over. I regret even saying anything because if I had given myself some time to think about it that wouldn't have happened. If there is ever a time I was mad at myself the most, it was that whole year that I did it. Yes, I know, a year. I know I was a jerk and I know no apologies will ever come to being forgiven for it. In the meantime of this happening, from beginning to end my Mamaw died and my sisters who I am so close to went to college. I had so much to deal with and that did not help and it was something I placed on myself. It is something I have to deal with. I prayed every night for God to help me make the right choice. That if homosexuality was a sin, that He would forgive me and help me change. Now shortly after a month or more of praying the same prayer, I thought it was an answered prayer that my sexuality would just be erased. For a while I liked only boys because I had changed something that was nacking at me.
I have been raised know homosexuality is an abominable sin. But so isn't oath breaking. The Bible says that if a man does not keep his word, that it is abominable because God keeps His promises and He hates it when others do not keep their word. Now He will forgive you when you do it, if you ask. And boom just like that with a genuine apology He forgives you. EVEN though it is an abomination. The Bible says that a sin is a sin it doesn't matter what. To God it doesn't matter, if someone kills another person it is the same as if he lied. He doesn't grade on a curve of severity. To Him it doesn't matter. He is there to forgive you if you ask. So if a sin is a sin, then a abomination is a abomination, no matter the "severity" or type. So then if I'm homosexual it is no different than if I didn't keep my word. But you don't hear people complain about oath breakers. No you hear people complain about the homosexuals and transgenders. Right now I have these thoughts going through my mind. 1) if a sin is a sin no matter what the severity, then that means that me simply falling in love with another woman is no different than someone who has accepted Jesus just as I have but has went his own way instead of with God which is what happens when you sin. Which sinning is inevitable it's going to happen. 2) The religious people have the wrong idea about homosexuals. They typically ( I won't say all because I'm sure there are some exceptions) tend to think that all homosexuals are non believers and aren't even people. When yes, they are people! I have been in hiding for years about my sexuality. Hiding it away from my family because I know they will not look at me the same. They will look at me like an insect and say I have not truly accepted Jesus. But I will say this the Bible does not say "whosever shall believe and trust in me ....and not be gay shall have eternal life". No. It says whosever shall believe in me (meaning Jesus) shall have eternal life and shall not die (meaning go to hell). They may be sinning yes I will admit that because it does have biblical text that proofs it but it is not different than any other sin. And as long as you trust and accept Jesus and confess your belief then you will be saved. 3) Homosexuals have the wrong idea about religious people (again I won't say all because of exceptions). Homosexuals think that when the religious people tell about homosexuality being wrong that they are being haters. Well some I'm sure are and are doing it in the name of Christ but do not have Him in their heart at all. But some religious people either are confused with how they have been raised and are just saying what they know is right. And some say it with all love in their heart. See what religious people should do, is not look at them like they aren't a person. HOMOSEXUALS ARE STILL PEOPLE! They may be doing something wrong and if you feel compelled to say something then do it. By all means yes do it especially if you feel God is telling you to. But please, look at them as people and tell them with love and not anger. 4) if I tell my parents will they disown me reject me or will they respond with love and understanding? Will they try to tell me to stop with love and not with hate? 5) God you have been with me this long so why do you feel distant? I ask this because even though I think that homosexuality is no different than any other sin I still feel weird. I feel like it is wrong. Which it is but my point is that even though it is wrong He won't let go of me because I have been accepted into His family in Heaven.
See, Jesus isnt going to send you to hell for being a homosexual. He sends you there because you were given the opportunity to ask for forgiveness of your sins that need paid but did not ask for Him to pay for it. I have done this. I will admit it to anyone who reads this. Jesus Christ is Lord of my life and of all. He is the one true God. I love Him and He loves me. I still struggle with myself. I struggle with what I've grown up knowing to the things I know now. I actually haven't told anyone yet about something. That something is that I am a homosexual. I haven't came out because I myself am not 100% sure. I'm like 80/90% which is close enough but I have not came out because of my family, myself, and of the area I live in. I live in a very very conservative area and have a conservative family. In of which my thoughts are not very well accepted. That is something that is involved with the struggle. Honestly, for the past few months I have just been in a state of depression and of denial and of low self esteem. Sometimes I recollect about how the Christian faith is based on others and serving your neighbor. Loving them as yourself. But there was a time told in the gospels that a man full of demons came upon Jesus and no priest could free him. So Jesus had freed him of the demons and the man was so full of gladness that he said that he wanted to follow Jesus on His mission. But Jesus told him to go home and tell his family of what has happened and to take care of himself. And the man did so. Jesus told the man to take care of himself. Which to me means you have to take care of yourself and others. So there is nothing wrong with loving yourself. Which is something I need to do and work on. I have been running from myself. I need to find me. Which is a prime opportunity for college. My plan is to find myself and go on my spiritual journey with God when I'm in college.