The Alphabet Lovers

A is for Adrian - Emerald Pools

Two things to note; first, engineers that fail a course during the school year were part of a club called the j-section and they had to stay and retake the course in the summer. Second, the engineering students were notorious at our school for being the most rowdy and crazy people. So this mutual friend invited us to a j-section house party for all the engineers that stayed behind that summer and we knew we couldn't miss it.

Although Adrian wasn't an engineer, all three of his roommates were frat boy engineers. Bailey and I showed up to the house party around midnight and we were not disappointed. Kegs were flowing, people were screaming, music was blaring and everyone was hammered. We went to say hi to the hosts and once we saw Adrian, a light bulb went off above both of our heads. We had just discussed bringing someone into our little exclusive club for the summer and it seemed like the universe was gifting Adrian to us. Adrian had this mystique surrounding him that we wanted to unfold and the fact that we heard he had a crush on Bailey through the grapevine made it that much more interesting. And although this wasn't really part of my plan, Bailey thought she would use her flirting as a tool. She knew that some innocent playfulness and being hard to get would only fuel a man further in his quest for a hook-up. So we drew him in at social gatherings and dinners and hang outs. What was initially meant to be an exercise in recruiting a new friend turned into something so much more meaningful than all of us thought possible. We realized quickly that there was way more to Adrian than we thought. He was a kind, caring, sensitive, funny, supportive, intelligent and just an overall amazing human being. He became a great friend to both Bailey and I. No sooner than a few weeks passed when Adrian officially became part of our posse. In retrospect, it's both shocking and hilarious how over the course of one summer things can change so quickly and how wrong I was with my initial feelings on where I thought these relationship would head. The lesson I learned here was not to underestimate my value, but also not to generalize and assume what other people want because of their outward exertion.

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Do you know that feeling you get when you didn't know you wanted something until it happens? Or that feeling of complete disbelief when you reflect back and realize you were so naive about something? And that you couldn't possibly have thought of this thing until it all blew up and you were forced to face it? Or you realize later that you subconsciously wanted this all along and were even hoping for it? But up until that moment of said event happening, it didn't even occur to you that such a thing was in the realm of possibility? Did I find Adrian attractive? Yes. He's a handsome dude. Did I find his mystique and shyness, which is a stark contrast to my personality, cute? Yes. But did I ever for a second think that something could happen between us? Absolutely not.

I didn't even give myself a chance to fantasize about Adrian in this way because I was so scared I would be disappointed. I was scared that I would somehow ruin this amazing three-way friendship we had. And, if somehow Bailey and Adrian ended up together, and they found out I liked him more than just a friend, I would be shunned. Or worst, I would become their pathetic joke and so I never entertained any of these ideas. The fact that we were forming this amazing friendship was enough for me. And although he continued to impress me every day through his quiet and charming demeanour, and became a caricature of what I felt to be an ideal guy, I had to remind myself that he was still a straight guy, who had a crush on my best friend. I've been in this position before and I knew not to cross any boundaries. I enjoyed our friendship from a distance even though we started to spend a big chunk of time together. We started to rely on each other for virtually everything and our friendship started to divert away from the original three-some.

Through these intimate moments between Adrian and I, he slowly opened up to me and we had heart-to-hearts about everything under the sun. And just like that, without even knowing, I was starting to see him differently. How could I stay neutral when he was showing me all these parts of his heart that I knew he never showed anyone before. He was proving to me that straight men can be vulnerable and caring, a trait that I rarely saw in my life thus far. And it's sad to think because I was so afraid of the what ifs, I never gave myself a chance to think of a scenario that would have made me happy, or thought about confronting feelings that were clearly brewing in my mind and heart.