This is the story of When Harry Met Z. A group of aspiring singers's lives changed overnight when chosen to form a band by the biggest producer in the world. The bandmates shared everything for about five years, but things became complicated when t...
*Note to myself: I don't ever write a diary. But, there are so many things on my chest. Literally, I feel there is no one I can talk to, is it something catholic? The need to practice confession? I shall burn this page as soon as I am done writing.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Have been quite successful recently. In all fronts. It is end of 2019, everything is going well. Just preparing the new tour, after the album was out, everything is just what I imagined. Have tried to stick to my principles. I think I have been smart enough to ally with the good people, the ones that have power, connections, the ones that can bring me to that place I always dreamed of being.
Where is that place, many might ask? Where is that place. Good question. I always ask myself that.
Is it fame, money, being admired, idolised, what is it?
The other day during the therapy session, the shrink said one thing which bugged me. She talked about narcissism. Am I a narcissist? Or am I a people pleaser? Or am I a hugely empathetic person with sides of narcissism? (for narcissists aren't supposed to have any signs of empathy).
I know I am a performer, I love being on stage, I love entertaining, I love using my voice, and I would do almost anything to attain that. I am also quite emotionally smart, unlike my friend Z. Who always let his emotions get the best of him. I am able to restrain myself, to manage stress, to shut up when I need to shut up, to do the right moves, and sometimes, to get rid of uncomfortable situations without causing too much drama.
I have done a good PR for myself, I have paraded myself with very high profile chicks (some of them really are vain, I know that, but I don't care). Kendall Jenner, Camille, Taylor Swift, they are good looking, talented, but most of all gave me huge publicity, they helped me widen my horizons in terms of audience, and I am smart enough to use those opportunities. Who hasn't done that?
Sometimes I think Zayn is the one with true singing talent in the group. Yep, Zayn. But, his emotional intelligence equaled almost zero. He wasn't right in a boy band, he should be an independent artist, I could have helped him, and I tried. But, to each its own. I can't fight with him, or help him, when he doesn't want me to. I don't want to carry the blame for not being there for him. I know the right moves, but it's not something that can be transferred. I have aligned myself with very VERY powerful people, but it takes a huge personal, social effort to do that. Does Zayn have that capacity? I doubt it. Why am I writing down all this? I guess, just to understand why we were never able to make it work.
Am I gay? I think I am. I don't want to tell the world about it. Why? None of their business. Also, I want to check how far I can go without disclosing my sexuality. I DO CARE ABOUT MY FANS and all the women who love me. They are the ones that brought me to stardom. What will happen if I say I am gay? It's over...No more Kendalls, Taylors, Camilles ... I can't let that happen!!!! EVER!!!!!
Maybe one day. But, I have been SO careful with that, all those manoeuvres to pretend to leak photos, to have paparazzis following me when I am with a gal...all of those I manoeuvred so well. I am a genius.
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
