Illicit Affairs

two. wanting freedom

When I arrive, he's happy to see me. I'm happy to see him too, since it's been a few days since we last talked. Turns out, college is a lot busier and bigger than I expected.

His room is messy, but I'm just happy that there's a free space for me to sleep. His distant roommate is gone once again. I've never met the guy, but Spencer tells me that he's creepy and rarely shows up to the room. That's good for us though as his side of the room is basically empty for me.

He starts to talk about classes, and how one of his classmates was flirting with him. I encourage him to make a move if he's interested in her, and he admits that he probably will. I try to cheer him on dramatically, and he shyly thanks for me the confidence boost.

Then, the conversation changes. We start talking about my boyfriend, Cole, and my unfortunate situation.

"Just break up with him already!" Spencer says encouragingly, without really realizing how meaningless those words are.

With that, I'm thrown into my old memories.

I'll always remain disappointed that what my college experience could have been like obviously won't happen. I don't care if it's too soon to declare this.

You see, back in high school, I had been counting down the days to college. Hoping for the day when I could finally be myself.

My plan was to break up with Cole. My excuse was going to be that the distance would be too stressful for us. I was purposefully pulling myself away from him so that the breakup seemed as if it were inevitable. I had everything thought out.

I had been dating him since freshman year of high school, merely a few months after I figured out my sexuality. I knew I was a lesbian and obviously didn't want to get into a relationship with him.

I never wanted to date him, but I was forced to accept my new role as his girlfriend anyway. It was what my family and his wanted. I've known Cole since I was young . Since the moment we met, my parents and his parents had agreed that we were meant to be.

They believed in us and our future marriage. When his parents made Cole ask me to date him at dinner one day, he was following what everyone else wanted. If I said no, I already knew that I would be ridiculed and judged by my family. It was such a huge issue, that I knew that our relationship would never be the same. So, in that stuffy dining room setting, I accepted.

I knew that my parents would eventually force us together, and they were successful. They planned out our meetings and dates beforehand, while I played my part. Cole is complicated.

Even before I dated him, he played his cards right and played the nice boy excuse to get with any girl that he wanted. I heard a variety of stories from girls at my school, including some where he took them out on dates and some where instead, he sent them disgusting texts. I never could really decide on what was true or not. I do know though, that he's a lying asshole.

Cole has always been a liar, but I don't know if he's also lying about his feelings about me. He acts as if he's in love.

Since that day at dinner, I had constantly been looking for a good excuse to break up with him and the "long distance doesn't work out" was the only perfect excuse that I had ever touched upon.

My family wouldn't be able to argue against it, and just like that, I would be free of that.

I was slowly approaching the finish line, when suddenly, it was university decision day.

The day that Cole ruined my plan and my life.

Apparently, I had been isolating myself too well. In fact so well that Cole could also sense the upcoming breakup. So, he chose to save our relationship.

What did he do?

He announced in front of everyone at our entire school that he would be going to the same university as me. He proudly declared that we would stay together forever.

It took everything in me to not breakdown the moment I heard the news.

I hadn't been smart enough to notice that he had his own plan while I was creating my own. He had applied to the same college as me and was accepted, all without me knowing. He wanted to ensure that we would never break up.

He took away my only chance at being myself. He took away my right to be free in a new place.

Now, I'm forced to continue playing the role of the happy girlfriend with her happy boyfriend.

I appreciate that Spencer is trying to encourage me, but I don't want to hear it. I've already faced the fact that I'll be forced to continue dating him. Worse, I'll be forced to marry him later on.

It would make my parents happy. If I back out at this point, I'll be seen as a monster. My family will never speak to me again. That's how much it means to them.

I have to suck it up and deal with the fact that I'll never get the life I dreamed of.

So, I tell Spencer, "fuck off."

He's clearly offended, but says, "you've always been there for me. You were there for me through everything, even when I transitioned and felt alone. So, it's my turn to help you out. I'm not going to leave you alone."

I'm used to those speeches of his. He's delivered one of those every few months since we were 15. Except, his help never arrives. I don't mean that in a bad way, because whatever he does will not make a difference. So, I can't blame him for that.

I'm just disappointed that that's how my life is.

No one can fix the unfixable mess that is my life.

I'm just forced to live through it, and I can't do anything about it. Trust me, I've tried everything.

I've tried every single possible breakup excuse, and nothing has ever worked. My last chance was taken away so I can't do anything more.

Spencer keeps talking to me, but I've blocked out his words. It just feels hopeless to keep listening to his meaningless words of positivity. It makes me feel worse.

He has a habit of talking to me to try to analyze all of my actions and emotions. He does that for practically everyone we know. He's a typical psychology major.

I'm similar to him in that way. I'm able to look further into who a person is through simple observations and listening. I could never handle being a psychology kind of person though. It just doesn't fit me. I'd rather use those skills to become a good lawyer and advance through a case.

After a while, Spencer falls asleep. I'm left awake and troubled about everything that's in store for me, but I try to not let it get in control of me.

I do what I've done for the past four years. I take a deep breath and remember at least I know who I am.

What makes it worse is that I can't even be in my own room. Of course, Aria has to ruin that for me too. I hate her, I really do.

She's absolutely unbearable.

I plan to update this story every few days!