explosion (jay halstead / one chicago)

chapter 26

liz's pov

I tried to find the right words to tell Jay about Alejandro. I had gone through this so often in my head, had practiced what to say, had practiced how to say it. Yet my mind was blank. It wasn't because I didn't want to tell him, I really did. I was just scared that speaking it out aloud would bring the memories back to life, and I was scared what Jay would think of me. There weren't many people who knew about this, and most people who did knew of it because they knew, not because I told them. It was a part of my story I wasn't proud to share.

Jay cleared his throat, pulling me out of my thoughts and making me look up to face him. "I gotta admit something," he said. "What you're about to tell me? I know." I studied his face in confusion which lead him to continue. "The day we busted Vince, before we took off. Kim was going through your journal and sending your notes to the colleagues in Madrid. She showed it to me and asked if I knew about it, because it didn't make sense to her. So we googled. We read an article."

He stayed quiet for a moment, giving me some time to understand what he just said. He knew all along? "I'm sorry," Jay continued. "I should have told you. I should have asked you. The timing just didn't feel right." It all made sense to me now: Why he didn't seem surprised or freaked out when Vince told him I had a history of fucking cops. Why he didn't pressure me to talk about it although he had every reason to.

I met his eyes. They were warm and full of love, and his smile took every little piece of doubt I had about what he might think if he knew. Slowly, I nodded. "I'm the one to be sorry. When I talked about my past, I left it out. Somehow, I just didn't have the courage to tell you then."

Jay placed his beer on the table beside the couch and grabbed my hands. "That's fine. No one expects you to tell everything about your past, and no one believes it's easy either." He leaned forward and gave me a peck on the lips. "I love you, Liz. And if you don't want to do this, it's okay. That's not gonna change anything for us."

Although I was still stressed by the situation, stressed by the prospect of telling him, and overwhelmed by the fact that he already knew, I had to smile. Jay really was the sweetest, and he knew how to make me feel better anytime. "No," I said. "I want to tell you. I want you to hear it from me."

jay's pov

"I had only just turned fourteen when it started. I was a kid," Liz said. I gently stroked her hands with my thumb while she continued. "I was deep in trouble at the time. I was Vince's girl for everything, and I started realizing I didn't want that to be my future." She let out a sarcastic laugh. "Alejandro was like a gift from heaven. Someone brought him in, and I immediately knew something was off. I was smart, and I was always around. I saw things, I heard things. I figured out he was an undercover cop. I was never a fan of violence and I wasn't interested in earning a reputation in the scene, so I wouldn't have benefitted from telling anyone. Instead I confronted him about it. I wanted to get out and have a normal life, and Alejandro said he would help me if I kept my mouth shut. He said it would take some time, and I believed him." I nodded. To this point, it all sounded legit. That guy could call himself lucky the girl who knew his secret wasn't interested in giving him away. After all, it might as well kill you when someone found out you were a cop.

"Then something went wrong. I don't know what it was, maybe someone else figured he was police. All I know is that Alejandro went back to patrol. But he still came around to see me." Liz took a deep breath. Clearly, this was were it got bad. "He said he could get me out either way. That I would just have to do something more for it. I was young, and I was desperate. I believed him. I thought doing what he wanted was my only chance. I couldn't see what it really was – Alejandro raped me. Multiple times."