Break In My Heart

18. Okay

"What do you do when you care about someone so much but you don't like them like that anymore?"

"Oh, piccolo (baby)," Padre said as he pulled me into him. He gently rubbed my back and pressed a gentle kiss into the crown of my head. "I know, trust me I do. I went through the same thing with Gracie, remember? Granted, we weren't dating, but it was the same concept. You have to give her time, Addi. Like you said, she's still holding on to love with you. I doubt you've told her about your feelings for Tyler, so of course she's shocked and hurt, regardless of if you're separated or not. You've realized that she still feels strongly for you, that's what was tearing you up inside. And I'm definitely not saying that you should've put yourself in a position where you weren't happy for her sake nor am I saying that this is your fault, but you've got to understand, Addison, this hurt her. Badly. Especially because it seemingly happened out of nowhere."

"I know," I softly said. "I just...her face and her words. They hurt me too. I feel an overwhelming feeling of guilt. It's suffocating, especially when I find myself feeling happy with Tyler and then I remember her and I feel guilty all over again."

"I know, kid," Papa sympathized as he ruffled my hair in an affectionate way. "This is all new to both of you. Just give her time and try to talk to her again. You not only want to smooth things out with her, but you also want to make sure that she won't put you in a compromising situation."

"I tried asking her not to tell, but she just laughed at me, cursed me, then left. I don't know what that means."

Padre's jaw clenched. "That means that you need to be careful, Addison. You need to be aware and be careful."

"Yeah, Addi. When people feel hurt or betrayed, nine times out of ten they end up doing something really stupid in the name of the temporary satisfaction revenge gives them, even if their actions are far worse than the initial pain," Papa added. "Now, I'm not necessarily saying Kyra will do that, but you did say that she's experienced losing a male figure in her life she deeply cares for to another man before and..." After a few seconds passed, words still failed to fall into place for my father. Though he tried to keep a calm disposition, the way he looked at Padre told me everything I needed to know: he was scared. For me.

Every leaf and twig I'd used to construct a weak barrier of protection from my actions came crashing down as a wave of the weight of the full situation hit me, nearly knocking me off of my feet. This was serious. Really serious.

Then everything suddenly felt real.

My feet were finally meeting the ground after being in the air on cloud 9 with Tyler for so long shielded from reality by light kisses and hopes that could only be described as foolish, especially with the brewing storm we were perched on. The once steady dependable earth started cracking beneath me and eager to bury me alive.

A suffocating feeling filled my chest as the feeling I hated more than anything else in the world filled my being: the feeling of losing control.

Sure, when I'd initiated whatever weightless feeling that fluttered between Tyler and me, some of my well-maintained control slipped through my fingertips. But I'd lost it to myself, or rather, a different side of me. A side that'd been hidden between the facades I'd unconsciously built around myself and the delicate balancing act of trying to find my place in the changing, manic world that made up the looming trees in the jungle that was my psyche. But it was still me nevertheless.

But now everything was different.

Instead of having a detailed map that helped navigate my way through me, I'd landed in a make-believe world where Princes could have their own Princes Charmings and happily ever afters were easy to come by. A cruel front that sneakily broke the steel grip I'd thought I had over myself.